Monday, August 07, 2006

Sea World Orlando Doesn’t Know What The Hell Journey to Atlantis Is About

A public relations representative of Sea World Orlando unwittingly confirmed this weekend what theme park insiders have suspected for years; the park has absolutely no idea what their Journey to Atlantis attraction is about.

Melissa Statkus, 22, a newly hired media relations coordinator, was charged with leading a camera crew from a local cable access show around the park on Saturday. The group had exited the Manatee Rescue exhibit, and was setting up their camera for footage of the exterior of the Mack water coaster when the incident occurred.

“I was surprised that she had only been working at the park for a few weeks. She seemed so knowledgeable about everything.” said Orlando Opus cameraman Larry Grzybek. “She told us about how there’s been a couple of different Shamus over the years, and that their park is much cleaner than a Six Flags, despite the fact that they serve free beer. But when we asked her about the story of that Atlantis ride, she kinda freaked out.”

Orlando Opus host and producer David Strand concurred. “All I did was ask what the ride was about, and she got really pale and started stammering. I guess it was good that Larry caught it on tape, but I felt really bad for her.”

ARN&R has reviewed the tape, and the mental unraveling of the young woman is truly disturbing. After initially describing the story as a “mystical journey” to the lost city of Atlantis, she quickly backtracks, saying guests will be sent on a wild adventure after offending the sea goddess “Allura…or something”. The situation only gets worse after Statkus is asked why the ride features music from the soundtrack of the motion picture Beetlejuice.

“That girl went right off her trolley.” Strand said, shaking his head. “I haven’t seen a girl crying that hysterically since my prom night.”

The tape shows Statkus flying into a frothing rage, screeching that her Sea World superiors told her to “make up some bulls--t” if anyone asked about the attraction’s storyline, and that she had been on the ride “like…sixty times” in an attempt to work it out for herself, but to no avail. Her eyes filling with tears, she states that she “didn’t have to deal with this kind of crap” when she worked at Old Navy.

“And that was it. She covered her face, and ran off in the direction of Kraken.” Grzybek said. “I guess our segment turned out okay, even if we never did find out why OSHA hasn’t shut down that Wild Arctic simulator ride, or why the entire Penguin Encounter smells like rotten garbage.”