Monday, October 31, 2005

VH1 Debuts New Reality Show

Continuing its successful franchise of "celebreality" programming, the VH1 network last night debuted a new show called But Can They Design a Roller Coaster? Hosted by Ahmed Zappa, the show pits nine celebrities in a roller coaster design battle. At the end of each episode, the coaster designs are showcased before a studio audience and judges, whereupon the people of America vote for the winners.

In the first episode, airing immediately after the popular trilogy of VH1 shows 80 Hottest Hotties Over 80, Peter Brady Plows Some Bimbo, and C*ck-Punching Danny Bonaduce, the new program showcased the coaster design talents of such major celebrities as Antonio Sabato Jr., Larry Holmes, and Morgan Fairchild.

Celebrities were allowed to enter any coaster design they chose in the first week of competition, and some of the designs were more successful than others. The winning entry came from Holmes, who produced a wood twister called The Knockout that featured remarkably smooth transitions and good airtime.

Others left much to be desired. For instance, Fairchild's entry was a steel looping ride that featured sustained forces in excess of 12 G's over the course of its seven consecutive non-clothoid loops taken at eighty miles per hour. Although riders reported a great feeling of excitement, the fact that all of them passed out, and most ended up covered in their own nose blood and vomit, led to points being deducted by many viewers at home. Joe Pantaliano constructed an aesthetically pleasing inverted coaster that seemed like a lock to achieve victory, but he unfortunately forgot to connect the track sections together in one location, leading to entire trains of passengers diving into the ground at fifty miles per hour; this modest defect caused him to be sassed by the judges, and Pantaliano finished a disappointing fourth.

The weakest ride design, however, was definitely that produced by Bai Ling. In her creation, passengers rode a kiddie coaster in circles over and over again while Ling herself wailed her horrifying rendition of Like a Virgin at full volume. The themed coaster experience was described by one passenger as a "visit to Hell itself," and viewers agreed, voting Ling off the show entirely.

But Can They Design a Roller Coaster? moves into its second week next Sunday, when the contestants vie for supremacy in the difficult Standup category.

--JCK

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Parents See Coaster Zombies Costume as "Too Scary"

Dana and Jon Kopkee have always let seven year-old son Ryan do as he pleases. They frown on excess, but try to let the young boy make his own mistakes in life and learn about the world around him. "We feel like Ryan is getting to the age where it is important that he start taking baby steps when it comes to personal responsibility," said Dana.

However, both parents put their proverbial feet down when Ryan said he wanted to be a Coaster Zombie for Halloween. "They seem kind of cool," said Ryan. "They like roller coasters and travel to ride them."

Jon said that there were a lot of good choices for his son's Halloween costume, but this was not one of them. "Let's face it, a majority of these people are, well, losers," commented Jon. "They spend time and money traveling to ride roller coasters. They don't have families or basic interpersonal skills. I am sorry, but it is just too scary to think of my son as an enthusiast for Halloween."

Permissible costumes included axe murderer, blood-sucking Vampire and even a flesh-eating Zombie. However, a Coaster Zombie just would not do. "We want our son to have self-respect, so we couldn't have him walking door-to-door as a tie-dyed coaster counter," sighed Dana.

While Ryan is disappointed by his parent's decision, he has taken it all in stride. "Mommy and Daddy said I could not be the scary Coaster Zombie, so I think this year I will be an escaped prisoner. At least they aren't afraid to talk to women," joked Ryan.

--FMB

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Search Strings Revisited

A recent glance at our logfiles shows us that among the twenty most common search strings used to locate ARN&R included "hairy boys," "pimp Mickey Mouse," "squeal like a pig," and the ever-popular "brittany rears" and "female wedgies." We certainly appreciate all the business you weirdos are providing us.

By the way, where did all those "Jessica Alba belching" and "Paris Hilton crotch" searchers go? We do so miss them.

--JCK
Sucking so Hard it Chafes

There are bad coaster websites, and then there are amazingly bad coaster websites. And then sometimes there are coaster sites so horrifically awful that you kind of wonder if the whole thing is just some kind of joke. That's the pickle we're in this week, as we debate whether The Geauga Show is actually the worst website ever made or just a lazy prank. Assuming it's for real...holy crap. The gaudy colors, the Tripod hosting, the one page that has all the site's pictures load at once, the over-reliance on exclamation points and misplaced quotation marks, the use of footage from "proffesional [sic] Shows that air on regular television" without permission, the non-working forums, the Brittany Lynn-esque failure to remove "Enter content here" headers from web pages...it all adds up to form a monument to suckage. And a Site O' the Weak, not coincidentally. And hey, if somehow the whole thing is a joke, more power to you. Glad you've got this much time to spare.

--JCK

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Enthusiast Shocked to be Used as Safety Valve

Lifelong coaster enthusiast Thad Norbert, 35, was amazed and befuddled this weekend at an office party, say sources. The reason for this shock was because, despite the fact that Norbert is quite open and vocal about his adoration of roller coasters, he was used as a safety valve by an attractive female co-worker eager to escape another conversation.

"I simply couldn't believe it," said Norbert. "I was chatting with a couple of office friends when I noticed Gillian out of the corner of my eye, sort of bugging her eyes and making furtive hand gestures at me. Of course, initially I didn't think she was doing it in my direction. I mean, why would she? I'd be very likely to bore her senseless by reciting the world's top fifty steepest wood coaster first drop angles or confuse her by talking about how I don't count Rebel Yell as two coasters but I don't care if other enthusiasts do."

"But after I had turned around a bit, I actually made eye contact with her," said Norbert. "And that's when it suddenly dawned on me that she was indeed making silent, pitiful cries for assistance in my direction. She was clearly shifting around, irritated by the conversation she was having with this guy, and every couple seconds she would mouth 'save me' or 'help' at me. And there was no one behind me, so obviously it was really me she wanted to provide a save for her."

"I still can't get over how Gillian wanted me to save her at a party," noted Norbert. "I mean, we're acquainted, we talk for a few minutes almost every day around work, we get along fine, but it's not like we're really close, and since I'm a coaster enthusiast and she's frankly kinda hot, it wouldn't seem logical that she'd see my conversation as an improvement over some loser who was following her around and hitting on her. Hell, usually I'm the one that people want to escape at parties. I sure wouldn't want to hear about what length of timber Summers and Dinn used to make their bents."

"Well, actually I would," he added after reflecting for a moment. "But I merely use that as an example."

According to eyewitnesses, Norbert indeed worked his way over to the other conversation and managed to come up with a reason why Gillian needed to see some imaginary mutual friend of theirs in the next room. For his assistance, Norbert was rewarded with a hug and fifteen minutes of conversation with a nice-looking member of the opposite sex. As an added bonus, the member of the opposite sex did not noticeably roll her eyes, yawn, or pointedly look at her watch when Norbert started poking fun at Arrow shuttle loops.

"Thad can get all excited that some chick actually used him as a safety valve for a party," said his friend Luke Solomon, 40, "but when some big, smelly drunk guy keeps trying to rub your shoulders while bragging about his awesome new truck and the cool fishing trip he took last week, anything, even some coaster nerd's blow-by-blow description of each element on Talon, sounds pretty cool in comparison."

--JCK

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Breaking News: Holiday World Admits Satanic Origins

We're surprised too, but it's right there (at least for now) in the HoliBlog, in the entry about the Tilt-A-Whirl's history:



Spinning virgins around, presumably to their deaths?

Come on...what would Santa think?

[Edit: A loyal reader points out the anagramic fun of Santa and Satan. It's all coming together, especially when you realize that "Santa Claus" is an anagram for "A Talc Susan." And "A Class Tuna." For shame, for shame.]

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Enthusiast Thinks He Catches Sister Snoring

According to coaster enthusiast Dan Wise, 36, there is widespread suspicion afoot that his sister Rebecca, 34, might have been snoring while he was describing his coaster exploits to her over the phone.

"See, I called up Rebecca last night to tell her about my awesome trip to Pennsylvania to go to PPP and Dorney," said Wise. "She seemed a little surprised to hear from me, since I forgot to call for her birthday, and my nephew's birthday, and went to ride coasters in Florida instead of going home last Christmas, but whatever. So she asked how I was doing, and where was I living since she hadn't heard from me in a year, and naturally I told her about how many rides I got on Phoenix, and how hard I bashed some kid on the bumper cars, and how Hydra's Revenge was a lot more rattly than most B&M's and therefore kind of disappointing, and then...."

At this point, Wise scrunched his face up before continuing:

"And then right around the part where I was describing how much better the fourth row of Steel Force was than I expected, because of that cool shelf where you can rest your feet and all, I heard this odd sound. A relaxed rumbling sound. I called out Rebecca's name four times, and every time the rumbling sound continued, until the last, when she said 'Wha? Huh? Oh, yeah.'"

According to Wise, his suspicion that his sister was uninterested in his exciting and important coaster conquests led him to brusquely hang up on her.

"I'm not talking to her again until something really important comes up," said a disgusted Wise. "Like if one of us ends up in the hospital, or if I think that new Intamin at Six Flags Great Adventure rules and I absolutely have to share it with someone right after I get off it. No one disrespects me like this and gets away with it!"

--JCK

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Vikings Thwarted

When the details of a wild party on board a cruise boat rented by members of the Minnesota Vikings professional football team surfaced, the reaction of the general public was one of disdain. But the negative publicity surrounding the party, which apparently included nudity, lewd acts, oral sex, heavy petting, and Star Trek Trivial Pursuit, appears not to have made an impression on the players themselves.

"What's wrong with having your knob polished?" inquired reasonable-facsimile-of-a-linebacker EJ Henderson rhetorically. "If these charter boat guys have a problem with our fun, we'll take it elsewhere."

But the Vikings' search for a new location to host their wily shenanigans has thus far proven to be futile. Cornerback Fred Smoot, the alleged renter of the infamous boat cruise, checked with local amusement park Valleyfair! on its willingness to host a function for the players, but the park management refused to cooperate.

"It's an insult that these Vikings players would ask us to provide a location for their public sex escapades," said a park spokesman. "Especially since they suck so bad, but also because semen stains are hard to get out of Intamin inverted coaster seats. Dunno why, but they are."

The spokesman added that Valleyfair! would be happy to host a lurid orgy as long as a "football team that doesn't suck" was involved. "Like the Colts or Steelers, or, I can't believe I'm saying this, the Bengals."

"Valleyfair! would have been a great place for a sex party," said a saddened Michael Bennett, who sometimes tries his best not to trip and fall on his face when he serves as running back for the Vikings. "I guess maybe we'll have to see if Smoot will host the thing in his front yard if we can't use the theme park."

Bennett then cut the interview short, adding mysteriously that he had to "purify himself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka."

--JCK

Monday, October 10, 2005

Deal of a Lifetime

It's not every day you come across an offer like this.

The New York New York Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas is currently offering the following spectacular online deal:

-An all-day ride pass for the loathsome Manhattan Express coaster
-An all-day pass for the Coney Island games area nearby
-A Manhattan Express souvenir photo that you'll ever view again out of fear that they it will remind you of the seizures the ride caused after it bashed your brain to smithereens
-Something the New York New York website calls a "Manhatan Express" t-shirt; we aren't sure whether the webmaster is unable to spell or if all the shirts have "Manhattan" spelled wrong, but rest assured that even one ride on this horrible coaster will most likely leave you unable to mentally process any written language ever again, so it probably doesn't matter what the thing says)
-A meal that consists of small fries and a coke, along with one hot dog or a slice of pizza
-And finally, for no apparent reason whatsoever, a clown doll

All for the low, low, low, low, low price of a mere $40.00!

Dang, why would you want to go to Islands of Adventure for another ten or fifteen bucks, or Cedar Point for another five, or maybe Holiday World, Knoebels or even, if it came to it, any random Six Flags park for less?

Anyone with the balls to advertise this "deal" online with a straight face deserves our respect, our admiration, even, yea verily, our Site O' the Weak award.

--JCK
DAFE Hard at Work on 2006 PPP Costumes

There is no rest for the weary. Two days after taking home another first-place award at the annual Phoenix Phall Phunphest, this time for their costume as the Knoebels' Shooting Gallery, the D.A.F.E. (Dark Ride and Funhouse Enthusiasts) started work on next year's get-up. Founder Steven Suggs said, "This is all that really matters. I don't go out socially, I don't exercise and if need be I am celibate. All of my time and energy is focused on one thing -- winning."

The D.A.F.E. have racked up a number of awards since first entering the contest several years ago. Whether dressed as rooms from the Knoebels' dark ride or as Whispers regulars, the group has constantly taken home the blue ribbon. Suggs said a large part of their domination is due to the lack of competition. "Sure, we work hard," he noted. "But, look at what's out there. Cute kids, Medieval Wenches, Fascination?! You have to be kidding me. Those chumps in black shirts and Devo hats can't hold a candle to us. They obviously haven't spent every Saturday night since July focused upon costume completion."

Tina Yothers, the only woman in the Fascination gang, defended her design efforts and her group's lack of nerdiness. "Yes, I only spent one day shopping on the costumes, but is that really such a bad thing? Don't brag to me about your utter lack of a life, Suggs."

Yothers is quiet about her groups plans for next year, but promises that they will blow D.A.F.E. away. Suggs insists that is not the case and said that his group will again remain supreme. "We will win. If that involves me not blowing up Sally, my inflatable woman, from December to February, then my God, that's what it will come to."

--FMB

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Bandwidth Thievery Clarification

We got to thinking today that perhaps the "bandwidth thievery" dispute is merely the result of a discrepancy in terminology between the US and England. See, in this country we think linking to other websites is perfectly normal and bandwidth stealing is the act of taking someone's pictures themselves and using them on your site while draining resources from the original source. Could it be that in England there's a semantic difference, that linking to any site is considered stealing? This seemed puzzling (because how would anyone ever get to a British site except by linking to it?) but one had to consider it a possibility.

It was an issue that required research, but fortunately we have a British correspondent who contributes an occasional bit of news to ARN&R. We contacted her in hopes of receiving a definitive answer on the troubling issue of what constitutes bandwidth thievery in what country. She stated that coaster enthusiasts are complete nerds, particularly ones who write for amusement park satire sites, and could we please not bother her at work.

Glad we could clear that up.

--JCK

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

All Amusement Parks: "F*ck This"

A massive consortium that consists of every single amusement park in North America has banded together to issue a brief statement to the coaster enthusiast community.

The statement reads, in full, "F*ck This."

Edwin Lee, an spokesman for the park group, elaborated on why those he had represented had taken the drastic step of making this pronouncement:

"We've really tried our best to embrace the enthusiast community," said the rep. "Our member parks have thrown enthusiast events, provided gravy and ham, and tolerated slightly crazed-looking people stalking park managers and demanding that they account for trim brakes and track shuffle. But lately, we've all just gotten tired of dealing with them."

"Many of our parks have gotten exasperated when they create a new ride and then enthusiasts immediately tear it a new asshole before they even ride it," said Lee. "One example is a B&M Hyper opening at Six Flags Over Georgia. Considering that these seemed to be coveted by enthusiasts, we were surprised when people complained that it looks bad, that nothing the park does makes any sense, and just generally whined a lot.

"Then when Six Flags Great Adventure announced Toro, enthusiasts set a new land speed record bitching about it. That was weird, since enthusiasts have generally been spending the last several years salivating all over their yellow-stained t-shirts at the very thought of ever getting to try out an Intamin woodie like they've had in Europe."

Quoting a poster who said "So it's a really tall coaster with not enough track for it's height...[t]ypical TPM," Lee added, "Oh really? Well, the park has decided not to build the thing after all, since you think it's going to suck so much. Does that make you happy? Jesus, for some reason we thought you people wanted us to build you fun new coasters or something. Our bad. Won't happen again. All parks in North America will refrain from building any more new coasters in the future, and construction will be halted on those currently planned for next season."

"It's gotten to the point where parks are afraid to even name their rides," noted Lee. If you announce that you're opening a huge new coaster named Robin The Fondling, it's just going to lead to an online reprimand by an ACE member when someone commits the heinous crime of referring to it as Robin: The Fondling or Robin, The Fondling or Robin - The Fondling. From now on, all parks will just call every single ride 'A Roller Coaster.' It might get confusing when there are ten at one park, but at least enthusiasts will be happy that they don't need to correct semantics."

"Then there's the behavior of individual enthusiasts," Lee said. "It's not enough that these poor parks have to submit to the will of Mantis Man, pay for expensive sauce-cleaning procedures, have someone yell "NOT A WORLD CLASS COASTER!" during an event, and view enthusiast slap fights, is it? No, it's gotten to the point where a Coasterbuzz member will claim he was made physically 'ill' and proudly state that he did not thank park workers after a Valleyfair event this summer because he did not receive brake-free ERT rides, despite freely acknowledging that no promise or even the slightest mention of such brake-free ERT rides was ever made by the park. No more perks, sorry, can't deal with it anymore."

"And don't even get me started on those Absolutely Reliable bastards!" he concluded, wiping away a tear and gently holding himself, even though no one had brought the website up.

"We just wish you enthusiasts would leave us alone!" he wailed, immediately before running out of the room.

--JCK

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Bandwidth Thieves!

The kind folks at the ECC have declared us bandwidth thieves for linking directly to their pictures. Actually, we're using less bandwidth than their requested alternative -- linking to the full page, which will load every single one of the pictures for the day -- and we weren't including the images themselves in our stories (which would genuinely be bandwidth thieves).

In any event, we really don't want them to have to block all referrers, so we've changed the links below to those of the full report pages from the relevant days. ECC folks: we won't link direct to your pictures again, so you can unblock other referrers if you like.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Universal Puts Stop to Happy Endings

In news that has the erotic massage community reeling, Universal Studios Florida has put an end to all happy endings during the amusement venue's infamous Halloween Horror Nights event.

"This sucks," proclaimed massage fan Thomas Huckleberry, 24. "That was the best part about going to Halloween Horror Nights. You could ride Hulk and Spiderman, get your butt scared off in some mazes, and then get an awesome massage."

The news came in the form of advertisements produced for various radio and television stations that were holding promotions and contests related to the spooky event. The ads proclaimed the following:

The most terrifying haunted houses ever created, scare zones that make your skin crawl, and monstrous creatures from inside the demented mind of "The Storyteller".

There are no happy endings to her tale. When she gets to "The End"... you're FINISHED.


But this lack of a happy ending this year makes Huckleberry and others unwilling to shell out all that money for the event. "What's the point of a massage without a happy ending?" he asked. "Without the hand job at the end, it's just a back rub, right? I'm not paying extra unless Granny gets me off!"

A representative from Disney scoffed at Universal's No Happy Endings policy, pleasantly adding that Disney does have happy endings available at all times at the Cinderella's Royal Table Restaurant inside the Magic Kingdom.

--JCK

[Update: It has been pointed out that HHN does still feature massages. We stand by our reporting that there is no happy ending.]