Friday, April 29, 2005

Such an Amazing Place, You Can't Comprehend Its Glory

That pretty much sums up the Coaster Crew website. Although it's supposedly a coaster club, it looks more like a project for a special ed website creation class. Much amusement can be gained from perusing the entire Coaster Crew site, but this could also cause potentially damaging brain spasms. With that in mind, let us helpfully direct you to some highlights:

-Although spelling and grammar abominations can be found on nearly every page of the entire site, this one, featuring the timeless beauty of comments like "[i]f you are asking your self why then you are not aloud to come on this trip," is particularly noteworthy.

-No coaster enthusiast website would be complete without a photo section highlighting The Beautiful People who populate the group. Especially when The Beautiful People are floundering around in a pitiful attempt to get out of a very small pool or rubbing their groins on other people.

-If you'd like, you can join the Coaster Crew. For the low cost of ten dollars, you, too, can spell poorly and participate in really stupid forum topics. Try not to think about what it will mean to the future health of your bodily orifices when you think about the site's statement that "[y]ou can unlock a hole new world of coaster riding when you join the Coaster Crew."

-If you are a major park chain, and have tired of naming your rides after stupid park mascots or just calling them all "Viper" or "Boomerang," be sure to check out the handy Ride Naming Chart provided by the Coaster Crew.

In summary, the website sucks, Which means it's perfect for Site O' the Weak honors.

-JCK/BCR

[Editor's Note: Rumors that the Coaster Crew would soon be merging with Team Woo are unconfirmed at this time.]

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Ruben Continues Writing for Rollercoaster! Magazine

With an amazing three articles in the most recent issue of Rollercoaster! Magazine, Paul Ruben has continued to stake his claim as one of the most influential and deeply respected amusement park experts in the world. Always seeking to be on top of breaking news, ARN&R has recently learned that Ruben will not only continue writing articles for the magazine at his current feverish pace, but will also continue to use his patented and successful new "Copying a Park's Press Release and Just Changing a Few Words around" style popularized during his recent RC! review of the Mummy at Universal Studios.

An ARN&R spy at the American Coaster Enthusiast's World Headquarters and Outhouse provided us with a rough draft of one of Ruben amazing five articles slated for publication in the next RC!, scheduled for delivery sometime in late 2009:

TWO New Coasters for the New England Area's Biggest and Greatest Park Ever!

It is a big deal when a park opens one massive new top-ten coaster. It's even better when they open two! That's what Six Flags New England has done with this season, by opening not one, but two great rides at their park. And one of them is wild and wet! One of the thrilling new rides is Mr. Six's Pandemonium, the first time a ride has been themed to the fun loving moves of dance done by Mr. Six, the park's popular mascot. Also there is Typhoon, a cutting edge "rocket-booster" powered water coaster from the cutting edge of coaster design.

The two new rides offer a fabulous unique experience to be shared by friends and family. They continue the park's specific commitment to providing excellent guest services and good times for patrons. They are also incredibly unique.

Mr. Six's Pandemonium will thrill park visitors by giving them a fabulous all-new unique and very unique ride experience. It is five stories up and dances and spins! It spins like a top, which will be wonderful for visitors. It also features great hairpin turns and also plummets and spirals and is totally unique. Ever ride a guest takes will be different from the last, a unique and fun thrill unheard of elsewhere. You may laugh yourself silly on this new thrill ride!

Also making a big splash will be Typhoon, which is also a new coaster. It is extreme! So hang on as you experience a three-way raft thrill experience. It's rocket propelled water and conveyer belts will sling you through a maze of tunnels, turns, and give you the height of thrills you seek in an amusement park! Also, it is fun for the family. The uphill sections are extremely fast, and you'll get all wet on this attraction!

Truly Six Flags New England has topped the charts with this fantastic set of thrillride additions. Double the fun at the cost of only one park, Six Flags New England and Hurricane Harbor are the world's best value and make them leaders in family Playtime! A part of Six Flags, Inc., the world's largest regional theme park company which serves 34 of the 50 largest metropolitan areas in the United States, Six Flags New England scores again and is now the greatest amusement park on the planet.


When queried about the new article's striking resemblance to the official Six Flags press release regarding SFNE, as well as the same striking resemblance the Mummy article had to official press releases from Universal regarding the Mummy, Rollercoaster! Magazine's Asisstant Junior Manager for Printing Fawning Letters of Support for the Magazine From Friends of the Assistant Junior Manager for Printing Fawning Letters of Support reportedly said "Huh? No, no, they are totally different. And it doesn't resemble 'Under Pressure' either, so don't even start on that shit."

--JCK (From an Idea by NDS)

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Award-Winning Photojournalism from ARN&R



Hey, we hear "words" are on their way "out," so we're going to start using more "pictures" of "things" and "stuff" and use lots of "scare quotes."

Monday, April 25, 2005

New Wavers Getting Aggressive

As reported by Amusement Business, a group of jockeys was injured by Flock of Seagulls during a race in Melbourne at the end of March. After a planet-wide manhunt, the last fugitive member of the band, drummer Albert Cruz, was finally captured by authorities in New Jersey today.

Although the general population can rest more easily tonight knowing that these dangerous criminals are off the streets, many people are asking the same question: do these jeans make me look fat? Some of them are also wondering why this group of washed-up almost musicians would attack jockeys, particularly in so public a setting as an actual race.

According to Flock of Seagulls lead singer Michael Score, it was the county fair's fault. Or, actually, the fault of all fairs. "We just snapped," he told ARN&R. "Our world tour just took us to a few too many local fairs and farmer's markets. Aside from the pig squeals and donkey brayings drowning out our beautiful music and ruining the experience for the multitudes of our slavishly devoted fans in attendance at these fairs, we were assaulted constantly by the smell of vomit emanating from the exit ramp of the Gravitron and the Zipper. What can I say? We lost it. And, like everyone else probably does when they are pushed too far, we decided to attack some jockeys. It's an unfortunate, but perfectly normal, reaction to stress."

Score told ARN&R that Flock of Seagulls intends to vigorously fight any legal action brought against them by the jockeys or the organizers of the horse race they ruined. He also added that, barring jail time, the band would soon be taking a break from performing at weddings and bar mitzvahs and would be entering the studio to produce a new album filled with "darker, more introspective acoustic material."

--JCK

Sunday, April 24, 2005

No Animals Were Harmed During the Making of This Website

We recently received the following email at Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors World Corporate Headquarters:

I was startled to learn you guys have branched out into a new business. I didn't realize you were animal lovers. Although I could imagine JCK being an animal lover in a very disturbing (and probably illegal) way. Good luck with the new venture.

Included was a link to absolutelyreliablecatsitting.com, a major corporate branch of ARN&R dedicated to cat home care services in the greater Seattle region.

First of all, while we appreciate the words of support, it is technically not correct to refer to this endeavor as a "new venture" for ARN&R. Many people unfortunately do not realize that we have already been a major player in the pet sitting business for some time, as we opened a highly profitable operation in this lucrative field back in November. Of course, our improved pet care website does mark a new, more profound, and potentially world-economy-dominating upgrade to ARN&R's previous efforts in the pet sitting realm.

Secondly, we must address the more disturbing parts of this correspondence, namely the implied charges of pet molestation by JCK. These accusations were quite shocking and horrifying, enough so that JCK himself felt a rare obligation to defend himself against the damning charges:

I am totally innocent of these charges. I never did anything wrong or engaged in inappropriate behavior with those animals. We played on amusement rides at the Absolutely Reliable Ranch. We climbed trees and read stories. I served them warm milk and cookies in bed. It was sweet. It was innocent, wholesome fun. It was not a bad thing, no matter what Martin Bashir says.

ARN&R will, of course, keep you posted on any further developments regarding the exciting expansion of ARN&R's pet sitting services.

--JCK

Friday, April 22, 2005

Jesus Apologizes For Spam

One-third of the Holy Trinity recently issued a press statement apologizing for spamming groups like rec.roller-coaster. It began, "Yo peeps. Sorry about some of my misguided members dropping the spam on the newsgroups. I have already banished them to an eternity of being Satan's Special Little Helper."

The posts, often rambling and backwoods in nature, act like they care. Some, such as this one utilize the short paragraph style popularized by USA Today for fourth-graders and those living in Mississippi, Alabama, Kentucky and Tennessee.

While all of the posts have the same content, they feature many different titles, from "Good morning or good evening depending upon your location. I want to ask you the most important question of your life. Your joy or sorrow for all eternity depends upon your answer. The question is: Are you saved? It is not a question of how good you are, nor if you are a church member, but are you saved? Are you sure you will go to Heaven when you die?" to "Are you looking for Jesus or naked+pics+Jenna+Jameson?"

In a recent interview with ARN&R the J-man rapped with me about why he thinks spamming is so wrong. ?I'm just pissed that those dickweeds used my name for posting that garbage. You'd think they could get a real job," he thundered. "I wish I could sit around in a trailer all day posting musings about religion, but some of us have to work for a living!"

Apparently the King of Kings isn?t the only one angry as The WebAlias Network recently suspended the ?jesus-animation? because of ?spamming activities by its owner. Jesus commented, "That's great, now I'm a web cartoon. At least Fritz the Cat was on film."

--FMB

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Collegiate Coaster Enthusiast Angered by Campus Policy

With the beautiful weather over the Northeast and Mid-Atlantic regions ushering the opening of the amusement park season, many enthusiasts have finally awoken, left the crack dens that they call home, and stopped checking their favorite news & rumors web sites every three seconds, in order to finally visit their favorite parks. Some -- the adventurous ones -- have even showered.

However, one enthusiast is unable to participate, due to a decision at his university to ban freshmen from having automobiles on campus. “This royally bites,” said Howie Roddick of Skidmark College in Philadelphia. “Now, I can’t go to [Six Flags] Great Adventure. I am just sooo close to getting the fix I need with a ride on the Great American Scream Machine, but those communist pigs don’t have the sense to allow me, and my fellow freshmen, to leave campus! Plus, it's educational! I learn all about...um, physics and stuff.”

When confronted with the fact that Skidmark does not have sufficient parking to accommodate the motor vehicles of its 1,500 undergraduate students, as well as its 375 faculty members, Roddick simply scoffed. “Come on, if I don’t like the fact that they’re showing third-run movies every month in the student center, I should be allowed the opportunity to leave campus and visit Great Adventure, where I can pay an exorbitant fee for parking my car in the hot sun, pay fifty bucks for a half-open park, get charged $2.50 for 20 ounces of Coca-Cola, gaze longingly at the inoperative Kingda Ka, and wade through untreated sewage when I use the bathroom! And hey! That teaches me about biology! Please! It’s not like I can do any of that here! If that isn’t an option to me, then why am I paying more than $35,000 to come here?” Roddick added that he is appalled at the college's refusal to provide a personal masseuse and the "shocking" absence of free iPods.

When asked about friends who would also be interested in a trip to Great Adventure that did have a car, Roddick was puzzled. “Friends? What the hell are those?”

--ETB

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Forum Participants Recognize ARN&R as Satire

In 26,321 BC, Oog Tampopo laughed out loud (or, as Cro-Magnon man abbreviated it, "LOL") at a cave-wall painting Grok Rockwhack made of a fanciful ride called the Beaver Land Mine Ride, a painting that was filled primarily with realistic depictions of female body parts. This marked the very first time in recorded history that someone recognized that a satirical piece about the amusement park industry was actually meant as a joke and not to be believed and reported as fact to various internet forums.

It took until 2005 before this occurred a second time.

At Lounge of Tomorrow, in the midst of a recent discussion about the Disneyland "bargain packages" being offered this summer, a poster named CoasterMatt provided a link to an ARN&R bit making fun of those alleged deals. Both the original poster and the person who responded actually seemed to be completely aware that the story about "Goofy's Shaft" is not real, but indeed is meant to be silly and fake.

ARN&R will continue to monitor and report on any further news in this shocking and historical event.

--JCK

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Site O' the Weak Super Featherweight Championship of the World

We had an absolute doozy of a Site O' the Weak lined up this week. We really did. And then, much to our dismay, it vanished. Either the site is down for maintenance or the webmaster had a sudden realization, in the nick of time, that leaving it up would be a good way to ensure mockery of a level that would ensure nervous bed-wetting for the next decade. Or, possibly, the internet itself, finally at its wit's end, devoured it alive out of spite.

All was not lost, however, as we were easily able to locate several threads terrible enough to be worthy SOW nominees. But then a new problem arose...which one to use? They all seemed equally awful! How could we choose just one? Our solution: a battle royal. The losers will be rewarded with shame. The victor will gain the people's ovation, and fame forever. And also shame.

Contender #1: Hailing from Matt's Carnival Warehouse, we have "Strangest BEEF On The Midway." The solidly asinine quality of the entire thread makes it a major player already, but it's the garish colors, stupid homophobic comments, and utter refusal of most of the participants to make use of either the Caps Lock function or punctuation of any sort that help make it something special. And having our boy Boils involved is pure gravy.

Contender #2: Calling Ultimate Rollercoaster home, our second warrior is "your wrong," where some guy with minimal grammatical skills drops in to inform URC that their information about Shivering Timbers is incorrect. We don't know if this person actually works at Michigan's Adventure, but we are "deffinatly" sure that he needs to pay better attention in his second-grade English class. If one is to be a nitpicking loser online, one really must at least convey one's dumb thoughts clearly, don't you think?

Contender #3: One of the world's perennial top challengers for a coveted title belt is "I Am A Considerate Smoker Tired Of Getting Ragged On By Nonsmokers!!" The good news is that some of the discussion in this thread is actually being carried out by intelligent people who have the capability to express themselves in complete sentences. Unfortunately, there's also plenty that goes wrong in this thread on the WDWMagic.com Forums. First of all, there are plenty of spelling, grammar, and comprehensibility abominations, including but hardly limited to:

...if you continue to smoke looking like a young women will quicky fad away...

I USED to be totally discusted with the habit, but now in my somewhat older age, I am used to it, and realized it is a person's individual choice to take up the habbit.

You should be pround of yourself if you as me...


More worrisome than this, however, is the creepy, robotic, fake, smiley, brainwashed, cult-member quality these Disney fans seem to have. In addition to some of them having disturbing names like "Dwarful" and "WannabeBelle," it seems like every other post ends with some weird, Stepford-infused horseshit that clearly indicates that these people have been either lobotomized or perhaps even colonized by parasitic aliens. Cases in point: "[i]f more people focused on their family vacation and worried less about who was smoking, pushing big kids in strollers or possible misuse of wheelchairs then the Magic Kingdom (and all of WDW) could be more magical for everyone!" and "[h]opefully the rest of your time was still magical!" Yikes.

Contender #4: The dark horse in the championship bout is GAInsider's "New Name for Kingda Ka?" Although shorter than the other competitors, this one really packs the guffaws into a small space. It's already funny enough when someone thinks our site is actually real (this happens all too frequently, as longer readers are well aware), but it's even funnier when another forum participant quotes some of the most ridiculous statements from the article ("three-hundred-foot jets of butt gravy...") in an effort to assist his slightly dense colleague in recognizing satire. And the maraschino cherry topping this rich, wondrously sweet chocolate sundae of a topic is the third poster's dismissal of ARN&R: "Most of the stuff on that site is false."

Most?!?!?!?!

The Battle Royal: Although each of the other competitors puts up a stiff challenge in the categories of Bad Grammar, Crushing Will to Live, Stupidity, and Waste of Time, the WDWMAgic.com posters manage to stay close enough in those categories while crushing the opposition utterly in the pivotal Freaks and Obedient Fawning Corporate Lap Dog categories, leading to a narrow and well-deserved victory. The championship belt and SOW go to "I Am A Considerate Smoker Tired Of Getting Ragged On By Nonsmokers!!" Its suckiness reigns supreme.

The first title defense is scheduled for next week.

--JCK

Monday, April 18, 2005

Aren't You Boycotting Us Yet?

If you weren't already boycotting us, we certainly hope you consider doing so again in our time of need. Please follow this link to "The new ARN&R Boycott for truth in reporting" thread at Ultimate Rollercoaster, and we feel quite certain that you will be shocked and horrified enough that you will never again visit ARN&R.

A few comments about this latest update to the fight against ARN&R:

-What do they mean by "[s]ome of those initials are in your mist?" It sounds moist and icky.

-The chicken and burger-rubbing fantasy is...er...uh...arousing?

-We appreciate the kind words, Pete_C...but reference your second question for clarification.

Hey, wait a minute! Why are you people still reading this? Go away! Boycott us now before it's too late! And if not for you, do it for the children.

--JCK

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Mr. Six Loses Control

Agawam, Massachusetts - Sad news this weekend from Six Flags New England. Mr. Six, the delightful geriatric from the commercials that gave the Vengaboys their first and last hit song, has suffered a massive case of fecal incontinence. The Six Flags corporate mascot was taking his inaugural spin on his new attraction, Mr. Six's Pandemonium, when his bowels failed.


Just before the incident

One anonymous park employee said, "It was pretty sick. His diarrhea was flying all over the area. It hit several media day guests in the face as the fecal matter flew far and wide." One ACE member was seen collecting the crap for his coaster memorabilia collection.

Six was taken to a local hospital, where he required a diaper as he fitfully slept through the night. Doctors have yet to determine why the aged man reacted so violently to a spinning roller coaster, but the West Springfield Hospital betting pool has the best odds on a rare STD. One doctor commented, "That ride really scared the shit out of him. Get it?" The doctor then proceeded to laugh hysterically.

Six Flags New England employees have yet to comment in detail on the travesty. Park spokesman Tim Hollander issued press release that simply read, "Everyone at Six Flags New England is sorry that Mr. Six suffered such a gastronomic failure during his visit. But we feel our long lines, unkempt midways and filthy bathrooms will stand as a testament to the kind of fun he offered people of all ages."

The park will be running only one car on Pandemonium in Mr. Six's honor.

--OAC

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Ohio Child Protective Services Clamps Down at PKI

The enthusiast world's eyes have been focused on Paramount's Kings Island's new coaster, The Italian Job: Stunt Track, featuring special effects that will make riders virtually certain they are watching an absolutely genuine replica of a plastic helicopter on a large pneumatic lift. Additionally, loud noises and flashing lights will convince riders that they are hearing and seeing loud noises and flashing lights that might in some vague way resemble gunshots.

But across the park, ARN&R has learned that Ohio's Department of Job and Family Services has stepped in to protect children from serious abuse and neglect. To that end, department employees have installed what they call "Comfort Cages" on the platform of Son of Beast.


Children being protected from Son of Beast

"We saw it more and more -- kids coming into our offices complaining of the shuffling, the lack of pacing, the sheer abuse of the ride," says Martha Hobner, ODJFS spokesperson. "Over time, we recognized a pattern: they'd all ridden that RCCA/Premier atrocity at Kings Island. We had to step in."

According to Hobner, ODJFS employees will be on hand at the end of the ride queue to spot parents attempting to impose the ride on their children. The parents will be arrested and the children placed in the comfort cages, pictured above. At least weekly, ODJFS drivers will transport the children to a nearby transfer facility, where their parents, after going through an extensive re-education program, will have the opportunity to be reunited with the children.

"But sometimes it doesn't quite work," says Hobner. "That's why we have that 'Not responsible for lost items' sign up."

Reports indicate that ODJFS staffers are considering a similar program for Cedar Point's Mean Streak, citing the ride's tendency to dull children's senses through sheer dullness rather than brutality. Additionally, Congress is reportedly considering legislation that would declare any wooden coaster over 150 feet "totally lame and gimmicky."

--GP (with photojournalism from MOS)

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Disneyland Adds New Special Event Travel Package

Eager to please visitors who want to go that extra mile in pursuit of fun and whimsy, the Disneyland Resort in California has made available a number of exciting and heavily discounted travel packages to coincide with its "Celebrating 50 Years of Magical Memories" event, which runs from July 15-17. Among the cleverly themed offerings are Walt's Dream, which offers two nights at a Disney hotel, one day in the park, a handful of meals, trinkets, and seats at a few panel discussions for the insanely low cost of $1955.00 per person, and Roy's Plan, a very similar package that features a few less panel discussions and slightly fewer trinkets for the jaw-dropping bargain of $1750.00 per person.

Naturally, the incredible savings being offered by Disneyland for this once-in-a-millennium opportunity have made these limited travel packages sell briskly. With that in mind, Disney has generously announced that it will add another bargain travel package for its event. Although all property hotels are near capacity and most of the specific events mentioned in the other packages are booked solid, Disney promises that the customers who purchase "Goofy's Shaft" will have an incredibly fun time, all while being part of the big event and saving a ton of money over what they would pay just to visit the Disneyland Resort by normal methods.

Goofy's Shaft Will Include the Following:

- TWO (2) Nights Accommodation in Disney's Grand Californian Hotel parking lot (no cars, tents, campers, or sleeping bags, please).

- Continental breakfast at Downtown Disney's ESPN SportsZone (event attendees must pay for any food or drink consumed).

- Opportunity to shop at World of Disney superstore (no discounts available at this time).

- Exciting chance of a lifetime: "Be a Disney Food Service Worker." In this once-in-a-lifetime experience, event attendees will work preparing and serving food for twelve straight hours in a surprise restaurant in an actual Disney theme park.

- Opportunity to watch thousands of excited customers enter Disney's California Adventure from special reserved seating at back of theme park parking lot.

- Signed photographs of Disney movie stars. (Event attendees must provide photos, pen or pencil, and reasonably forged movie star signatures.)

- Disney Resort brochure and Disneyland park map.

- One (1) glass of warm tap water (night of 7/15 only).

- One (1) latex glove and one (1) scoop of vaseline (night of 7/16 only).

Tickets for the Goofy's Shaft event package are only $1,005.00, per person. Availability is limited to 500 Guests, so interested parties are encouraged to act quickly to reserve their place.

--JCK

Saturday, April 09, 2005

New Dostoevsky-Themed Amusement Park To Open In Czech Republic

In response to England's plan to build a Dickens-inspired park, the Czech government announced yesterday that it will be investing 78 million dollars on a new theme park to be inspired by the great works and life of Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoevsky.

The park, which will span over ten square miles, will open with only six attractions. Park management has already declared they do not feel the need to add more attractions to the park, preferring that guests "wander through the void" in "a futile search for amusement." A source has indicated that the park will have no paths or signage.

The park's signature attraction, once guests find it, will be "Notes from the Underground," for which the park will be building a 2,400-seat amphitheater. Upon entering the ride, guests will be strapped and locked into their seats while headphones designed to block out all external noise will be fitted on their heads. At this point, the lights will go out and the guests will sit in the amphitheater in black silence. The ride time for this attraction is estimated to be approximately 7 hours.

Other elements planned for the park include The Brothers Karamazov costumed characters, the Crime and Punishment food court, and the Russian Winter skyride, whose cars will be set at -17 degrees fahrenheit and will
contain no windows.

The park expects to make its primary profit from the Dostoevsky Midway. Games on the midway will cost $100 to play, and offer no chance of winning. Guests will, however, be allowed to play on credit.

--MOS

Friday, April 08, 2005

South of the Border Raided By Minuteman Project

Pedroland Park Maintenance Director Steve Johansson had quite a scare when he started his rounds this morning. That is because members of the Minuteman Project were raiding his facility, looking for illegal aliens, specifically one named "Pedro."

Johansson said, "I tried to explain that our park is often called Pedroland, but they wouldn’t listen. All I heard was something that sounded like white trash speak and an occasional 'Git er done,' whatever the hell that means."

The Minuteman Project, a human hunting expedition gathered on Arizona's border by gun-toting rednecks, has garnered interest through a powerful media blitz. Good upstanding citizens, a majority of whom are associated with white supremacist and militia separatist groups, are patrolling the border looking for illegal aliens. One Aryan site that linked to the Minuteman Project’s website said it was "A call for action on part of ALL ARYAN SOLDIERS." Klassy with a K! Indeed, possibly three Ks!

According to Johansson during the takeover Minuteman Project members were incensed and told him they would kill all of the staff if they did not disclose Pedro's identity. He said, "I just kept telling them that he was a rodent with Mexican flair, but they didn’t believe me. When they found out that we had a coaster called Pedro’s Mouse, the shit really hit the fan."

This ARN&R reporter was able to catch up with one of the Minuteman Project leaders shortly after they raided the dangerous illegal alien hangout. The member, whose name I agreed to keep secret (but can be easily reached through the NAMBLA website) said he didn’t understand how things got so out of control. "One minute I was watching NASCAR and drinking Miller High Life, the next I was banging my sister and a few weeks later I was in South Carolina looking for a cartoon mouse. This is some really f*cked up shit."

At press time ARN&R contacts at the Minuteman Project could not confirm whether Speedy Gonzales at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom was their next intended target. As always, we will stay on top of this story as it unfolds.

--FMB

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

The Website That Cried Wolf

There are advantages to running a website that has no capability to take anything seriously. First of all, it's fun. Secondly, we get amusing hate letters. And thirdly, it's really enjoyable to taunt anyone who does think anything on ARN&R is actually real. However, this week, we just found the first real disadvantage.

Even if we are being serious, no one thinks we're being serious.

Yes, we are the website that cried wolf. Theme Park Review was kind enough to link to our expensive and expertly-designed flyer for AbsolutelyReliableConeyCon I, and one of the posters assumed we were joking around about actually being there:

Looks like those guys have done it again [with] their great comedy goodness. I wonder if people are so stupid they will actually go to a coaster event that won't happen!

Wait! No, no, no. The event is actually happening, guys! We know we make up all sorts of crap all the time, and have never shown any ability to be serious or trustworthy, but we swear we're actually going to Coney Island. Come on down and you can meet with and/or indicate unwavering disgust with what looks to be 3-4 ARN&R writers and various friends, bodyguards and groupies. Really! Just don't expect anything free, especially food, ERT, or hookers.

Oh, but of course if you sign up for the AbsolutelyReliable Club before the event (for the low price of twenty dollars) you'll receive a five dollar discount over and above your already-discounted armband! Sweet, huh?

--JCK

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

God Endorses ARN&R

Recently a site called "Evangelism: The [clock clip art] Is Now!" announced that our site, Absolutely Reliable, is regarded as historically accurate as the Old Testament.

On page 3 of 4 in a section entitled "Section 7, Chapter 3," the website, which channels the J-man directly, proclaimed that: "The Old Testament: Absolutely Reliable Historically." We know there must have been some syntax error when they put that colon in. It probably was supposed to be a "&" or a ";" or even an "and this other kick-ass site." Whatever the grammar mistake, we know where your hearts lie.

However, after pursuing your site, Lay Evangelism Folks, we don't know if we can work in tandem with you. The way you accost husky people at picnic tables and give bad reasons why I need to leave my part-time job at the Condom Clatch ("Until America sees that our bringing the Gospel to them is more important than our jobs, our Church buildings and land and all that this world has to offer, they won't even consider the message of Jesus' love and forgiveness or turn to Christ."), I really don't know if ARN&R can support what you do.

However, I will say that the cover of "Heaven & Hell: An Absolute Reality" is sassy with its poetic nod to the theater lover in all of us.

Although I may sound skeptical, I know that you are the real deal and not some money-grubbing evangelical. Because, after all, God definitely has a website that looks like this: http://www.layevangelism.com. You truly are a great group of Christians and we thank you for working so hard to make money off an executed guy from 2000 years ago. Because, much like Pontius Pilate, your disciple Robert says, "I wasn't drunk when I wrote that one, the hate is always there when it comes to cheap Jew bastards." Praise Jesus.

--FMB

Monday, April 04, 2005

Fantasy Focus

It's that time of year we've all been waiting for: the 2005 Fantasy Coaster Design Firm season is just around the corner. After an offseason of breathless anticipation, fantasy owners are readying their cheat sheets and projections for the coming year. With most drafts happening over the next two weeks, ARN&R is here to provide helpful strategy that will enable you to dominate your league. Today, we present our first in a series of looks at five major design firms and let you know when (or if) you should draft them.

Intamin

Whether you use head-to-head, roto, or a point system, Intamin is a fantasy force for its owner in any league, and will be the first firm taken in numerous drafts. With its popular launched rides, including the record-setting Kingda Ka, steel hypers, and a smaller, but highly regarded, line of woodies, Intamin is a rare five-cat stud. There are only two concerns with drafting this company: first, injuries are always a concern. Secondly, be sure whether or not your league features categories that penalize design firms for excessive downtime, lawsuits, or chunks of rides flying off and hitting people at a hundred miles per hour. Should this be the case, Intamin still warrants a high first round pick due to its monster production in the power and speed cats, but downgrade it somewhat due to its weakness in those non-standard maintenance categories.

Bolliger & Mabillard

Because of its lack of a wood coaster division, B&M can't help owners at all in one major category. However, the company has consistently put up superior numbers in all other major cats for the better part of the past decade, and shows no signs of slowing down yet. B&M is certain to fly off the board in the top five on draft day, and will go as high as the very first pick in some leagues due to its remarkable ability to stay off the DL, unlike other top firms such as Intamin. In leagues that reward secondary stats like smoothness of inversions, and in those that divide steel looping coasters into smaller scoring units such as Floorless, Inverted, and Sit-Down, B&M's numbers are absolutely filthy; if you count stats in this fashion, do anything you can, short of killing other owners, to obtain this firm.

Great Coasters International, Inc.

GCII is the perfect example of how a design firm's value can fluctuate based on the type of fantasy league you belong to. In standard H2H leagues and standard points leagues, GCII is being drafted, on average, in the early tenth round, but has been going as high as the late first round in roto leagues. The important thing to know about GCII is that, without a steel division or even true out and back wood rides on its docket, it functions as a classic one-cat stud. Be aware that the fact that GCII builds only one general type of coaster, and constructs a relatively low number of rides yearly, means that the firm probably won't provide enough overall points in those H2H or points matchups. However, in roto leagues, the fact that GCII will almost automatically win you the Wood Twister cat single-handedly, while providing excellent secondary numbers in categories like crossovers, rolling stock, and WHIP, makes it well worth a second round pick, so long as you grabbed a multi-category stud in the first round.

The Gravity Group

The Gravity Group is one of our top sleeper picks this season. Drafted, on average, in the 21st round of standard roto leagues, it's obvious this company has flown under the radar of most owners, hopefully including everyone else in your league. Known thus far for consulting work and structures for refurbishment projects, this firm doesn't have a lot of gaudy stats to attract fantasy newbies. But keep in mind that Coasters America rated this company the top prospect for this year even before it got its major league call-up to construct Hades. Once that ride hits Wisconsin this summer, your fellow owners will be offering you free hand jobs to pry the Group loose for their team (assuming you were smart enough to grab this breakout candidate first, that is). We're projecting borderline top-fifteen stats from this firm, which will make it a mega-bargain even if you jump ahead of its current average draft position and grab it in the mid-teen rounds. It goes without saying that this squad is a tip-top keeper option, as well.

Premier Rides

This is the ultimate in high-risk, high-reward draft picks. Although Premier burst onto the scene in 1996 as a one of the highest-rated prospects ever, with major power potential and the always-desired high pockets, its career has been somewhat of a disappointment. Lately, the firm seems as if it may be shaking loose from its decade-long doldrums: the opening of the two Mummy attractions last season made Premier a moderate sleeper for owners who had remained patient enough to hold on to it, while this season will see the debut of the two massively themed Italian Job rides. There are two schools of thought on Premier. One is that the success of the Mummy rides was a fluke, and the company will quickly return to its disappointing career totals; the other sees the Mummy rides as a rebirth of Premier, and that the lucky owner of the firm this year will reap massive multi-category rewards. We'd like to see this happen, but we're projecting a sharp nose-dive from last season. We advise drafting this firm with great caution, but if Premier is still around after the 25th round, it's a risk worth taking.

--JCK

Sunday, April 03, 2005

AbsolutelyReliableConeyCon I

As previously mentioned, next month -- a mere six weeks away -- is AbsolutelyReliableConeyCon I. We went all out and hired the best web designers in the business to create our awesome event flyer. They even included a Midi file of the most rockingest song ever (Photograph), but it had the unfortunate feature of crashing browsers, so it's been replaced by the second most rockingest song ever. Rock on.

So, go check out the flyer, put links to it all over the web -- especially places that expressly say not to advertise other events, then bitch about the rule being enforced -- and drop a line if you think you can make it. Note that we're offering, um, nothing for this, besides probably a group discount if you get there at the same time and find the group. ARN&R t-shirts will be available for purchase if we remember to bring them, and there may well be a celebrity surprise.

If you consider that wino who hangs out at Nathan's to be a celebrity.
Area Coaster Enthusiast "Totally Screwed" By Daylight Savings Time

According to area coaster enthusiast Joel McMasters, 35, Daylight Savings Time is a "bitch."

McMasters reached this conclusion shortly after discovering that his VCR had failed today to tape the long-awaited Travel Channel special Most Extreme Ride Op Shenanigans. The reason for the non-taping was because McMasters had set the device to record the show without realizing that clocks would all need to be moved forward one hour early this morning.

"That Daylight Savings Time crap totally screwed me!" the enthusiast lamented. "I wanted to have that show in my library, and now I've got some Travel Channel crap about Italy instead. My life is ruined."

Legal experts refused to speculate to ARN&R on whether McMasters has valid grounds to sue Daylight Savings Time or not.

--JCK

Friday, April 01, 2005

Ultimate Rollercoaster Fires English Professor

As full-time Associate Professor of English at Ultimate Rollercoaster, Dr. James Wilton had a good job, benefits, and lots of time off in the summer. That all changed when he was unceremoniously fired for gross incompetence this week, just two years from achieving tenure. Now the formerly beloved teacher will be forced to seek work elsewhere, always carrying this blemish on his record.

"I did what I could," said a distraught Wilton, as he somehow packed all of his office belongings into one cardboard box. "I assumed that, with my dedicated help, many of these youngsters would eventually be able to spell and use English grammar in a way that made their posts somewhat comprehensible. I even thought I might get some of our problem cases to be able to write at a first or even second grade level within a year or two. But I failed. I failed miserably."

According to an administration official who asked not to be identified, there had been "ample evidence" of Wilton's failures as an English professor on display in thousands of illegible URC posts visible to the general public over the past year. However, the move to fire the teacher was only made when the particularly galling "Gwazi at Busch Gardens Tampa Florida" thread was recently discovered by URC officials.

Among the atrocities against the English language cited by URC administrators were the following actual quotes from the thread:

That ride is really cool best wooden rollercoaster I have ever rided on!!! Who has rided it and agrees with me?

Is it a Jeckel and Heide Coaster?

...one park KNOWS how to operate there ride & maitenance it...

the ride your talking about is no fun it is really dumb I like Gwazi


"I've never said this in two decades of teaching English," said Wilton. "But it just might be that there is no hope for some of these posters. The children may be our future, you may teach them well, but maybe you don't want them leading the way."

"If that Ultimate Rollercoaster thread is what got me fired, the least you can do is make it the Absolutely Reliable News and Rumors Site O' the Weak," added Wilton, just before leaving his office forever.

--JCK (From an Idea by WDL)