Wednesday, February 05, 2003

American Coaster Enthusiasts Earn Rare Honor

Tuesday was a proud day for the American Coaster Enthusiasts, as they were granted a rare and distinguished honor. This morning, ACE was presented with only the third Lifetime Membership Award by the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE). Aside from being part of a very special group, ACE has the added distinction of being the first organization so honored.

IFOCE is a group dedicated to the promotion of competitive eating, a sport that features contests of gustatory endurance, volume, and speed. Professional “gurgitators” earn up to $50,000 in various sanctioned world contests, and the group hopes to achieve Olympic recognition and televised national tours to showcase the athletic achievements of IFOCE members.

Says IFOCE chairman George Shea, 38, “It’s the sport of Everyman…everyone eats, so everyone understands the athletic ability needed to eat enormous quantities of food in a short period of time.”

Shea added that “the Federation could think of no person or group more worthy of spreading our ideals of face-stuffing, shark-like feeding frenzy, and hypergluttony than the American Coaster Enthusiasts. At the 2001 CoasterCon at Hersheypark, 200 members of ACE polished off the amount of breakfast one morning that would normally serve 600. Then, while they were waiting for an ERT session to begin, some members broke into the ice cream stands and cabinets, polishing off every single crumb and ketchup packet Hershey owned. This year, Wild Adventures had a regional event, and they were forced to slaughter 103 pigs, 45 cattle, 213 chickens, and the entire Petting Zoo to keep ACE members from feasting upon the ride operators. And finally, despite the fact that ACE members decimated the sheep herd around The Ultimate on this year’s European Coaster Odyssey, not a single member suffered the shame of what we call a ‘food reversal.’ That’s skill, that’s class, and that’s good reason for this honor.”

ACE officers could not be located for comment, as apparently someone with the organization let the lease run out or forgot to pay rent or some such crap, resulting in the group having a temporary phone number and address in a battered outhouse somewhere in Kansas or something.