Monday, June 30, 2003

ARN&R Exclusive: TTD to be Replaced

ARN&R has learned in an exclusive story that Cedar Point has decided to tear down its troubled Top Thrill Dragster launched coaster by the end of July. "Yep, a few weeks of downtime made us realize that it just wasn't worth the trouble," said Dick Kinzel, head of Cedar Fair, Cedar Point's parent entity.

To replace TTD, Cedar Point has tentatively settled on the world's largest, fastest, tallest, and most futuristic Dippin' Dots Ice Cream of the Future stand, backed up against a similarly huge Old Time Pictures stand. In a draft press release obtained by ARN&R, Kinzel is quoted as saying, "If you thought Top Thrill Dragster was intense during its fifteen hours of operation, just wait until you see this ice cream! It's XTreme!"

The stands will likely be rebranded. Rather than being identified simply as "Dippin' Dots Ice Cream of the Future," it will now be "XDippin XDots: XTreme Thrill X Cream of the XTreme Future," and the Old Time Pictures stand will likely offer the opportunity, through advanced digital technology, for patrons to have a picture taken so that they appear to be standing atop a 420-foot coaster, one that Cedar Point describes as "fantastical" and "so crazy as to be fictional."

Enthusasts were ecstatic over the news. "Once again, Cedar Point raises the bar," wrote ThrillNetwork regular MeanLeak. "I just can't wait to see what those poseurs at Magic Mountain do in response to this. Pure brilliance."
Disney Yet Again Hastily Rethemes Rock 'n' Roller Coaster

Only a few months after spending upteen dozens of dollars to frantically rework the troubled Rock 'n' Roller Coaster attraction at their Studios theme park in Florida, Disney has decided to pull the plug on the new version. Although the change of theme and music from Aerosmith to really crappy twentieth-century classical composers was brought about through the panic of Disney executives finally noticing the ever-so-slightly-not-family-oriented content of much of the oevre of Aerosmith, these leaders felt the new ride would at least manage to remain moderately successful.

"We leaders felt the new ride would at least manage to remain moderately successful," said Vice President of Ride Development and Public Shenanigans Angelo Thornberry. "When we realized Aerosmith had videos featuring all sorts of hot, scantily clad, barely legal teen action, we surmised that the next best, most Xtreme, thrills we could provide were those of the most ass-ripping music this side of Metallica." Unfortunately, the use of boring, academic swill written by composers such as Paul Creston, Milton Babbitt, and John Corigliano didn't exactly "put the booty" in the seats. In fact, most passengers ran screaming from the ride before it began, rather than after. "We thought all the bleeding ears were just from the Vekoma headrests like normal, but it turned out Elliot Carter compositions actually cause eardrums to spontaneously rupture rather than subject themselves to all that noise," said Thornberry.

Disney has announced that a new slate of hard-rockin' stars will supply the pumped-up soundtrack for the attraction, slated to reopen in August. Says Thornberry, "We spared no expense. Our new onboard sound experience will kick your fu*king ass into next week. Yeah! Get ready to feel 10 gigawatts of pure unadulterated music power ripping and jack hammering through your body as you blast into a tunnel and hit those loops and bunny hops."

Thornberry then dramatically announced the new line up for this coaster's soundtrack, sure to delight punkers, classic rockers, and death metal freaks alike: Debbie Boone, Cher, Culture Club, Kenny G, Michael Bolton, and That Guy Who Sang That Achy-Breaky Thing. Sources close to Ratt inform ARN&R that they are crestfallen to still not be hired to provide their potent, influential, and thought-provoking music for a Disney ride.

--JCK