Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Rollercoaster! Magazine Introduces “Letters to Rollercoaster!

Rollercoaster! Magazine, the leading magazine for the self-aggrandizement of coaster enthusiasts nationwide, has introduced a new feature on the back page of every forthcoming issue that is sure to excite all of its subscribers. “Letters to Rollercoaster!” will feature the “real life” experiences of enthusiasts who write in to tell of their most outrageous coaster experiences. An advance mockup of the next issue has fallen into the hands of ARN&R, and we are happy to provide this titillating excerpt of the next issue’s feature:

Dear RollerCoaster!,

I never thought this could happen to me, but boy was I wrong. It all started when I was at SFMM on a sunny afternoon. I had my croakie, my fanny pack, and my drool hankie – I was set for an afternoon of riding! When approaching Superman The Escape, I saw a lot of upset guests walking in the opposite direction of the ride.

Being an ACE member, I walked past the posted signs that the ride was closed and demanded that a ride op tell me what was wrong. She looked me up and down, smiled a private smile, and said, “We’ve been waiting for you, Jeremy,” and proceeded to lead me to a completely empty train. She let me adjust the restraint myself and then started the ride, with just me on it!

When the ride was over, I thanked her and started to leave. “Where do you think you’re going?” asked another ride op. “You’re not leaving here until you’ve ridden in EVERY SEAT of the train.” And then they rolled out a cart completely filled with barbecue pork! RollerCoaster!, I thought I had died and went to heaven. I rode alone on S:TE for hours, except when I was chowing down on the pork – that hanky really came in handy! None of my online friends at Westcoaster or Coasterbuzz believe me when I tell them this really happened, but I knew you would understand and print this letter.

Sincerely,

Jeremy L├╝gner
Reseda, CA

--MMS
RRC Newsgroup Participants Debate Existence of God, Homosexuality’s Place In Contemporary Society; Top Philosophers and Social Scientists Yet to Take Note

For reasons beyond the understanding of this reporter, top social scientists, politicians and philosophers have yet to take note of two recent threads posted on the roller coaster enthusiast newsgroup RRC.

The first, about 12 threads long, concerns a group of enthusiasts heatedly discussing the existence of God, while the second is a suggestively hot 287-thread-long discussion on protections for homosexuals in society and, in a larger sense, whether this behavior should be accepted and/or embraced.

In spite of the clear earnestness and seriousness of the participants involved with both of these discussions, top scholars have yet to take note of these debates at press time. Particularly puzzling is the lack of comment from major medical researchers on the groundbreaking theory posited by top RRC scholars that you "can pretty much get AIDS from just breathing the air in the same county as someone else who has AIDS."

"There hasn't been a debate that cuts to the core of such large and complex issues like this since the great "I Think Therefore I Am" debate in summer 1999 on rec.fan.gary-coleman" said noted internet observer Douglas Copeland. "I think it's just a matter of time before the big boys notice the obvious intelligence and quality of these discussions."

Some of the more notable philosophers and social scientists offering their incisive opinions in the thread, "AirtimeJunkie," "Rastus O'Ginga," and "Dead and Restless," were unavailable as of press time to comment.

--MOS