Saturday, August 16, 2003

Star Tours to be Themed to Star Wars Holiday Special

Following what Disney sources claim was a "catastrophically awful reaction" to the new Star Tours II, the management of Disney Studios has shut the ride down yet again for a complete retheming after only a few short months. Says one inside source, “although our Imagineers were certain that a new attraction featuring non-stop playback of the video of that idiot who filmed himself with a lightsaber would bring in swarms of guests, it actually proved rather unpopular. However, we are now prepared to unleash Star Tours III.” Further information about the new attraction was gleaned the next day in a surprise press conference held by Rick McCallum, the executive producer of the three new Star Wars "films."

“We at Lucasfilm are proud to announce a new agreement for a brand-new, first-rate update of the current Star Tours ride,” he stated. “The new attraction will be themed entirely to the underrated 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special. While this film has been reviewed fairly negatively in the press, and George Lucas has told people that he’d love to take a hammer to each and every copy in existence, the two of us got together and decided, well, at least it’s better than the excrement we’ve been passing off as prequels. I mean, really, would you rather experience a thrilling ride that features both Bea Arthur trying to sing and a Wookie who looks like Adam Rich, or would you prefer that f&*king JarJar and that total garbage Attack of the Clones dialogue about the sand being rough and coarse? So, I got George to file away his hammer and embrace this bastard offspring of the Star Wars pantheon, and I know he and everyone else will adore the new ride.”

Star Tours III will begin with a preshow featuring Wookies with crappy costumes mumbling incomprehensibly in their native tongue without benefit of translation. This will set the mood for the ride. Then riders will experience a series of themed rooms: first, they will experience that bizarre and not-family-friendly porno chair that Chewie’s dad “Itchy” uses. Second, riders will be assaulted by the “voice” of Bea Arthur. Then the action really doesn’t let up until the end; riders will experience such thrills as Mark Hamill’s God-awful hairdo, evil stormtroopers breaking Chewie’s stupid son’s toy, Boba Fett galloping around on the back of a big lizard, and a coke-addled Carrie Fisher singing the beyond-hideous Life Day song.

McCallum continued: “We are unsure at this time whether all the major stars will make appearances for the ride. We know that Mark Hamill needs the work, for sure. Count him in. Harrison Ford pretty much phoned in his performance in the original Holiday Special, so we aren’t worried about it this time around. And Carrie Fisher may make a cameo, but we’re going to have to put the vocal coaches on her right away, since, due to our desire for a gritty, more realistic presentation this time, she’ll need to sing the Life Day song in the original Shriiwook instead of English. Er…I mean Basic. Sorry.”

In other news, the Disney Studios additionally announced that the Great Movie Ride would also be shutting down for rehab on September 1st. Said our source, “it’s not a full retheming like Star Tours III. This one is only for a modest expansion; we’ve simply got to update the exciting movie scenes in that ride to reflect the great cinema of today. After we add such important works as Freddy Got Fingered, Battlefield Earth, Gigli, Enough, and Extreme Ops, we’ll have it up and running again by early October."

--JCK

[Author's Note: Hey! Look at that...amusement park toolishness and Star Wars ├╝ber-geekery combined in one article! Now if that doesn't get me laid tonight, I just don't know what will!]
Hulk Coaster Denies Culpability in Blackouts

Appearing at a press conference today, the Incredible Hulk roller coaster, based at Islands of Adventure, denied any involvement in the recent blackouts that crippled New York City and substantial portions of states from Michigan to Connecticut, as well as parts of Canada.

“I am appearing before you today to assure all the media, my friends, family, teammates, and fans that I am blameless in the events which transfigurated in the Northeast,” said the ride. “Although I do use a great deal of power, I would never be irrepressible with it and cause these terrible blackout conditions. I am hurt that people believe these is my doings and I will be proven innocent eventually.” Hulk then began sobbing uncontrollably and heaving its manly shoulders. Cat in the Hat then came over to console the despondent thrill ride.

Authorities questioned the coaster Friday, but released it without making any official criminal charges against it. “Hulk is not under arrest,” stated Anita Hoare, the lead detective assigned to the case. “However, we certainly consider it a suspect. IOA continually brags about how they had to build a huge separate power station just to handle the coaster train launches of Incredible Hulk, or else every launch would black out the city of Orlando. This certainly seems suspicious to us.”

Returning to the podium after its sobbing and blubbering had tapered off, Hulk announced that it had dramatic evidence the blackouts were caused by the enormous power drain caused by the Lil Whipper Snapper, a twelve-foot family steel coaster located at Hoffman’s Playland near Albany, New York.

--JCK