Thursday, August 07, 2003

Coming Soon: Six Flags Love Canal

In an unusual move, Six Flags Inc., which has a reputation for buying underperforming properties and seeking to turn them around, has signed a purchase and sale agreement for approximately 124 acres in Love Canal in New York. The site is renowned world wide as the recipient of the first Superfund, the largest federal hazardous waste cleanup in history.

"This purchase represents a significant step forward for our neighborhood," said Marcy Turcotte, a long time resident. "We bought our house here knowing that there was nowhere to go but up. I mean, living on a toxic waste dump was a good financial move but there really was nothing to do around here. Now we'll have Six Flags. I think they'll fit right in."

A representative from Six Flags, who spoke on conditions of anonymity, said this would be a challenge for the chain. "Unlike most parks we've purchased, this one is just a plot of land. So this will be our first property built from the ground up. But we're confident we've got a hit with Love Canal. It's a name with high recognition. We think it will dovetail nicely with the Six Flags brand. The site, right next to Niagara Falls, is a prime tourist area."

In 1978, Love Canal gained notoriety when toxic waste from years of dumping in the 3000-foot-long canal began surfacing in residents' backyards. The government proclaimed the area habitable after ten years of clean-up. Six Flags plans to incorporate a water park in the canal itself.

"There are some great ideas on the drawing boards," the representative said. "As with our other properties, we really want to focus on the local identity." Among the thrill rides being considered is a suspended looping roller coaster by Vekoma themed to Spiderman. "Spiderman is a great tie-in, since Peter Parker was a victim of radiation poisoning," the representative continued. Other attractions will include an interactive simulation ride through a nuclear reactor that melts down and a stunt show based upon the popular comic book character Toxic Avenger. If approved by local councils, Six Flags hopes to have the park ready for the 30th anniversary of the Love Canal incident.

Six Flags Inc. currently owns two other properties in the state: The Great Escape in Lake George and Six Flags Darien Lake in Darien Center. When asked whether three Six Flags parks within a few hours drive of each other were too much, the representative responded, "You can never have too much Six Flags."

Kennywood Announces Updates For Older Attractions

Exciting news from Kennywood Amusement Park reached ARN&R tonight, as the legendary venue announced a series of extensive refurbishments and updates to what the upper management refers to as “those boring, stupid, crappy old rides that suck ass and stuff.”

The first ride to be reworked is the Old Mill, which is beloved by longtime park visitors and amusement park buffs for being one of the last remaining “tunnel of love” boat attractions left in the world. Standing since 1902 and featuring a nostalgic and extensive boat ride past numerous scenes, the historically important attraction was deemed by management to be “completely dorky, and in need of some radical theming.” The ride is slated to become Garfield and Odie 3D, featuring what a park manager refers to as “reasonably historically accurate scenes representing Garfield and Odie eating, defecating, and starring in unwatchable television specials.” A park insider tells ARN&R that the attraction will produce “a sensory overload.”

Aside from the visual and audio stimulation provided by animatronics and projected 3D film segments, the other senses of the passengers will also be assailed. Says the inside source, “The ride will feature three separate sections where mountains of cat dander and hair will be blown into passengers at 50 miles per hour. The smell of cat spraint will be overpowering. And several random boats per hour will have a very angry stray tomcat thrown onto a passenger’s head, so the riders will know what it would be like to be ripped limb from limb by Garfield if they were to piss him off.”

The Garfield and Odie 3D ride is only the first of the “old, stupid, worthless Kennywood rides” to be re-imagined, stated a park rep. Other rides to be spruced up include the Jack Rabbit, which will be torn to the ground and given an exciting, all-new steel structure that allows for loops and tight turns, an upgrade reportedly to be provided by French designer Soquet. The Thunderbolt will have its boring, dumb tracer lights, classic trains, and unique logo removed, since they are historical and therefore idiotic. The entire structure will run with Morgan trains and the structure will be painted puce and teal, with paisley highlights. And finally, the rare Turtle attraction will have LIMs attached so that riders no longer have to experience nostalgia in a gentle, fun, undulating manner, but instead will feel it in their spleens as they rocket in tight circles at 80 miles per hour.

“History sucks balls,” said the rep. “Marketing kicks ass!”