Monday, March 24, 2003

Enthusiasts File Suit Against Academy

In a late and shocking move, a splinter group of the American Coaster Enthusiasts filed suit today against the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for a recent rule change in the judging of Academy Awards. The lawsuit, filed in federal district court in Los Angeles, seeks unspecified monetary damages as well as a court order requiring a new election for the recent Oscars.

"The fascists running the Academy Awards changed the rules this year to exclude any on-ride footage," stated enthusiast and attorney Joe Aldridge, representing the group. "This rule is enforced whether or not the video was obtained legitimately, and means that the Oscar voters were prevented from voting for dozens of high-quality videos produced for upwards of fifteen dollars, simply because they contained on-ride footage. It's an outrage."

Aldridge said that his clients were particularly outraged that Robb Alvey's well-known videos were not eligible for Oscar consideration. "You can bet that if Miramax was the distributor, instead of, um, Robb sitting in his garage, that rule would be changed in a second. But instead, the people of America are forced to believe that the best movies of the past year were made with things like plot, and writing, and acting, and stupid things like that. It's ridiculous. Have you seen his 2002 season video? It's awesome! I don't want to get too detailed, but that video from Puyallup Fair made me want to pull something else up, know what I mean?" Aldridge then giggled for a full thirty seconds.

Frank Pierson, president of AMPAS, told ARN&R that he was still sleeping off the Vanity Fair after-party and to go to hell.
Absolutelyreliable.com Sweeps First Annual AbsolutelyReliable Awards

Entertainment experts were shocked last night, as the upstart AbsolutelyReliable blog made a stunning sweep of every single award handed out at the prestigious First Annual AbsolutelyReliable Awards. Although considered by many pundits to be a dark horse possibility in some categories, ARN&R received no predictions of such a dramatic victory.

The ceremony was lauded by E! Television’s Jules Asner as “a welcome balm for our troubled nation.” As opposed to the Oscar ceremony held on the same night, nominees for AbsolutelyReliable Awards were feted with limousines, red carpet arrivals, and throngs of adoring fans. Vicious gorgon Joan Rivers and her gruesome she-devil banshee daughter Melissa, thwarted by the low-key Oscar telecast, graced the AbsolutelyReliable Runway to offer their assessment of the fashion sense exhibited by the nominees.

“Pitiful,” lamented the elder Rivers harpy to the younger, upon seeing nominee JCK exiting the limo with Jessica Alba in tow. “That tuxedo looks like a desperately starving freelance musician lived in it for 10 years. He’s actually giving me fond memories of Bjork, he looks so vomitous.” Rivers then made a gagging sound and pantomimed sticking her finger down her throat.

The unrivaled success of ARN&R began with the site claiming the very first award, Best Ongoing Flame War With Imbeciles on Forum Websites, the last, for Best Writing Staff Ever On a Website, and each and every other award in between.

Major prizes included ARN&R itself for Best Fake Rumor Site Ever, Best Overall Website Anywhere, and Best Site for Perplexing Those With Low I.Q. Scores. The website’s shop won Best Online Ye Olde Shoppe, as well. The Editor in Chief took home numerous prizes, including Best Webmaster, Best Editor in Chief, Best Article Involving Decapitation, and the S&S Power Special Little Bag O’ Fun Prize.

Other writers brought home shiny new toys, as well. JCK was lauded for Best Use of the Outmoded Exclamation ‘Pshaw,’ as well as a Special Independent Spirit Award for Creating a Long Article for the Express Purpose of Listing Lots of Euphemisms for Jacking Off. RAS took home the Best Article Involving Unspeakable Things Happening to Alpengeist Seats and another writer won for Best Mockery of that Paul Ruben Guy. The remainder of the writing team was collectively rewarded with the "Golden Wig, Big Glasses, Rubber Noses, and Running Shoes In Order to Escape Pissed Off, Rabid Enthusiasts Who Hate This Website" Medallion.

“There’s something really fishy about this awards ceremony,” said Asner. “I just can’t put my finger on it right now…”

--JCK

[Editor’s Note: ARN&R may have swept the classic and respected Absolutelyreliable Awards, but we still need your help to garner us victory in the Coasterbuzz Site of the Year Poll. So please go cast your vote for us before March 28. Or perhaps you could cast several votes. That would be all the merrier.]