What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate
We recently received the following email, which we swear is reprinted precisely as we got it:
Subject: SECRET FILE
I AM YOUR SERVER...............................................PLEASE UPDATE APPROPRIATELY
SERVER IS HERE!
"Currently eating chicken from Knott's Not Nice Windjammer Factory poweredby Togo(the company,not the crappy country). Either way,they are both crappy.
Politically incorrect things over......................................
Tom Wielfenstein, Okaki Wenkayahu, Abigail Omerson, Mzai Onzimonga, Jade Killerson, Hendrik Von Wonderboot.
cUrReEnTlY pLaYiNg tHiS wAy
OPENING IN KNOEBELS!
250 Feet, 6 inversions, 6,777 feet,made by the American Coaster Company(grants provided by Carole Sanderson)
Opening in 20093,the meaning of life
SERVER IS DYING,DYING,DYING. ARNR GONE!
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We had no earthly idea how to respond to this email, since we assumed it was written in some sort of foreign language that none of the editorial staff speaks. We therefore forwarded the message to Miguel Fredrickson, our Executive Vice President of Foreign Language Foreign Support Technician Customer Servicing Help Pleasuring Lackey Enabling Services at the majestic AbsolutelyReliable Towers. After some delay, we received the following response:
Dear Sirs and Madams:
Greetings and salutations. The Foreign Language Foreign Support Technician Customer Servicing Help Pleasuring Lackey Enabling Services staff apologizes for the delay. Despite working around the clock for a week,and bringing in assistance from Dieter at the Quick Action Branch of the Semi-Literate Customer Inquiry Center, we still cannot tell in what language it is written. We have narrowed the likely choices down to Norwegian, Dutch, Afrikaans, and Quenya, but have gotten no further. Some of the staff believe it might also be some sort of beat poetry created in Sanskrit by a person who has never studied Sanskrit.
Dieter informs me that he is fairly certain that it's just the delusional rantings of some random cretin, and that it isn't written in any foreign language at all. I discount this theory, because I find it hard to believe any human is stupid enough to create this particular email if we are actually to interpret it as being written English. I feel a far more likely scenario involves the work being a short literary work of some sort in Punjabi or Finnish, and the words just happen to coincidentally line up into a series of simian scratchings and imbecilic nonsense if read, incorrectly, as English.
We shall continue to work our hardest on solving the mystery of this bizarre email.
Your Humble Employee,
Executive Vice President of Action Assistance Enabling Performance Supervisory Customer Pleasuring Happy Fun Directive Team Support Squad Services
A Proud Part of the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Customer Service &