Monday, June 20, 2005

Teens to Ruin Adults' Lives This Summer

With the end of the semester approaching in most school districts within the next few days, area teenagers are filled with excitement. Excitement that there will be no classes for several months, that there will be loads of free time, and that, most importantly, they have weekdays free in order to make the existence of every adult in the country a living hell.

According to experts, high school students have spent an average of 19.634 hours each day for the past seven months daydreaming about having weekdays free so they can utterly destroy the possibility that any adults in their community can enjoy themselves for a single instant the entire summer.

"Any conceivable location where a normal human could actually want to be left alone can be expected to be inundated with obnoxious, screaming, ill-behaved teens," says Yale University Professor of Annoying Teenager Studies Dr. Burton Marshall III. "Adults who are accustomed to going out in public on weekdays and not being bothered by obnoxious teenagers should very closely monitor when their local schools plan to let out for the summer, in order that they are not utterly traumatized when the places they visit are inundated with brain-dead, immature assholes, even at 11 a.m. on a Thursday. Movie theaters, shopping establishments, and, particularly, amusement parks, are considered especially dangerous areas to visit."

"Me and my friends are going to Six Flags in groups of about 60 every day," claims Kurt Colnott, 16. "And then we'll spend the whole day shoving each other into other people, smoking in line, cursing loudly to show how cool we are, and being as much trouble as possible to other people there. It'll be awesome to see the looks on those people's faces when they realize school is out for the summer, so they can't go to an empty park on a Tuesday and actually have fun or ride anything!"

While teens like Colnott have ambitious plans for irritating the ever-loving shit out of adults on a worldwide level this summer, others are focusing on the lower-profile, but still highly important, task of sucking the will to live from the adults with whom they actually live. For instance, Pete Diyanni, 17, plans to sit around his parents' house all day, every day, doing nothing but watching television, saying that everything "sucks," and rolling his eyes profoundly every time his parents say anything. "I figure if I make their lives miserable enough with me being around all the time, when normally they'd have me out of their hair for several hours a day, they'll practically be begging me to start taking drugs, leading Satanic blood sacrifices in my bedroom, or even becoming a Cirque du Soleil enthusiast," he says.

Coaster enthusiast Kirk Jameson, 32, has discovered a solution to the issue: stay in his house the entire summer. "I just can't bear the idea of dealing with these asswipes the entire summer," he tells ARN&R. "Naturally, this will probably result in my being fired from work after I haven't shown up in two weeks, and, more importantly, I assume it will be difficult to add to my coaster count, but desperate times require desperate measures."