Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Site O' the Weak Super Featherweight Championship of the World

We had an absolute doozy of a Site O' the Weak lined up this week. We really did. And then, much to our dismay, it vanished. Either the site is down for maintenance or the webmaster had a sudden realization, in the nick of time, that leaving it up would be a good way to ensure mockery of a level that would ensure nervous bed-wetting for the next decade. Or, possibly, the internet itself, finally at its wit's end, devoured it alive out of spite.

All was not lost, however, as we were easily able to locate several threads terrible enough to be worthy SOW nominees. But then a new problem arose...which one to use? They all seemed equally awful! How could we choose just one? Our solution: a battle royal. The losers will be rewarded with shame. The victor will gain the people's ovation, and fame forever. And also shame.

Contender #1: Hailing from Matt's Carnival Warehouse, we have "Strangest BEEF On The Midway." The solidly asinine quality of the entire thread makes it a major player already, but it's the garish colors, stupid homophobic comments, and utter refusal of most of the participants to make use of either the Caps Lock function or punctuation of any sort that help make it something special. And having our boy Boils involved is pure gravy.

Contender #2: Calling Ultimate Rollercoaster home, our second warrior is "your wrong," where some guy with minimal grammatical skills drops in to inform URC that their information about Shivering Timbers is incorrect. We don't know if this person actually works at Michigan's Adventure, but we are "deffinatly" sure that he needs to pay better attention in his second-grade English class. If one is to be a nitpicking loser online, one really must at least convey one's dumb thoughts clearly, don't you think?

Contender #3: One of the world's perennial top challengers for a coveted title belt is "I Am A Considerate Smoker Tired Of Getting Ragged On By Nonsmokers!!" The good news is that some of the discussion in this thread is actually being carried out by intelligent people who have the capability to express themselves in complete sentences. Unfortunately, there's also plenty that goes wrong in this thread on the WDWMagic.com Forums. First of all, there are plenty of spelling, grammar, and comprehensibility abominations, including but hardly limited to:

...if you continue to smoke looking like a young women will quicky fad away...

I USED to be totally discusted with the habit, but now in my somewhat older age, I am used to it, and realized it is a person's individual choice to take up the habbit.

You should be pround of yourself if you as me...

More worrisome than this, however, is the creepy, robotic, fake, smiley, brainwashed, cult-member quality these Disney fans seem to have. In addition to some of them having disturbing names like "Dwarful" and "WannabeBelle," it seems like every other post ends with some weird, Stepford-infused horseshit that clearly indicates that these people have been either lobotomized or perhaps even colonized by parasitic aliens. Cases in point: "[i]f more people focused on their family vacation and worried less about who was smoking, pushing big kids in strollers or possible misuse of wheelchairs then the Magic Kingdom (and all of WDW) could be more magical for everyone!" and "[h]opefully the rest of your time was still magical!" Yikes.

Contender #4: The dark horse in the championship bout is GAInsider's "New Name for Kingda Ka?" Although shorter than the other competitors, this one really packs the guffaws into a small space. It's already funny enough when someone thinks our site is actually real (this happens all too frequently, as longer readers are well aware), but it's even funnier when another forum participant quotes some of the most ridiculous statements from the article ("three-hundred-foot jets of butt gravy...") in an effort to assist his slightly dense colleague in recognizing satire. And the maraschino cherry topping this rich, wondrously sweet chocolate sundae of a topic is the third poster's dismissal of ARN&R: "Most of the stuff on that site is false."


The Battle Royal: Although each of the other competitors puts up a stiff challenge in the categories of Bad Grammar, Crushing Will to Live, Stupidity, and Waste of Time, the WDWMAgic.com posters manage to stay close enough in those categories while crushing the opposition utterly in the pivotal Freaks and Obedient Fawning Corporate Lap Dog categories, leading to a narrow and well-deserved victory. The championship belt and SOW go to "I Am A Considerate Smoker Tired Of Getting Ragged On By Nonsmokers!!" Its suckiness reigns supreme.

The first title defense is scheduled for next week.