Sunday, December 07, 2003

ARN&R Staff Still Alive

We've been receiving an onslaught of mail here at the Absolutely Reliable Mail Room, inquiring whether everything is okay, seeing as we didn't post any material from Wedensday morning until late this afternoon. Well, okay, one person sent an email asking if we were alive. Just one. We can tell how much you care. It's touching, really.

But yes, we are fine. One of the editors is still busying himself with work down in the sumptious glory of Mississippi, while the other one was just in Vermont for the last several days, with his car buried under snow drifts as tall as him, blockaded by a veritable wall of nature from getting to any public computers and amusing the snowbound masses with witty articles about gravy and masturbation. Or something.

But we can only be restrained for so long. The Editor in Chief left a nice new article for you today, and the Assistant Editor is back in force as of late this evening. And he'll be trying to find a way to write an amusement park story that also includes a scathing missive about how much Vermont sucks moist donkey balls when it comes to keeping its stupid highways sanded and plowed properly.

--JCK
Playland Touts Dragon Coaster's Leap in Poll

Mitch Hawker's industry standard wooden coaster poll was finalized recently, and the folks at Rye's Playland in Rye, New York were thrilled with the tremendous performance of their wooden Dragon Coaster.

"Dramatic Improvement in Dragon Coaster's Ranking," bragged the press release sent to media outlets worldwide. "Rye's Playland is proud to announce that our Dragon Coaster moved all the way up to 132nd, up from 135th last year. We spent an extra ten bucks on oil this year as well as increasing the cleaning of vomit from once weekly to twice weekly, and clearly our visitors have noticed the difference!"

The park is reportedly ordering dozens of "We're number 132!" banners to be hung throughout the park, as well as considering a major media buy in the northeastern television markets to promote the coaster's ranking. Additionally, park employees will henceforth be required to yell "I love my dragon woodie!" every time they come within fifty feet of the coaster.

In related news, Grizzly at Paramount's Great America in California still sucks beyond belief.