Thursday, February 05, 2004

Dean Promises Billions in Aid for Little A-Merrick-A

Former Vermont governor Howard Dean today visited the closed-for-the-season Little A-Merrick-A amusement park outside Madison, Wisconsin, promising billions of dollars of federal aid for the park if he is elected.

"This fine park is employing upwards of eight or nine people at a time, and it's got this wonderful...uh, what the hell is that thing?" inquired Dean, pointing at a structure surrounding the park. After leaning over to listen to an aide's whispers, Dean continued, "A wonderful monorail, providing clean and efficient transportation from here at the park...back around to the place you got on. Huh. Anyway, the park's made vague noises about installing a bigger coaster, and that's enough for me to promise $2 billion in federal aid."

"Look, vote for me. I need to win Wisconsin."

Dean is reportedly planning on promising national guard troop assistance to control the punks at Big Chief Karts and Coasters who keep ramming into other patrons' cars, and to make a vacation at Tommy Bartlett's Water Show mandatory for all U.S. citizens. He is also considering proposing tactical nuclear strikes on Six Flags Great America to increase Wisconsin tourist dollars.
War for Coaster-Themed Thong Domination Escalates

Tensions were renewed today, as news leaked out that the Coasterbuzz website is not only offering a Coasterbuzz thong for sale, but has actually sold one.

As members of Coasterbuzz proudly trumpeted their achievement in coaster thong sales, other webmasters vowed to strike back and sell more thongs than Coasterbuzz, no matter the cost. Also, several noted that the Coasterbuzz thong discussion was "pretty gross."

"We can't understand why a mere fansite such as Coasterbuzz would be able to rise to the top of the world's coaster thong business with this one sale," noted Wonder Zone administrator Sangsook Pak through an interpreter. "Our thongs feature characters stolen from other parks and make wacky boinging sounds when you tug them out of your crotch."

"We'll be needing to divert a lot more funds into development and advertising for our things," said ACE Secretary and Chief Member Berater Jeff Seifert. "We've done great with our muumuus, but we simply can't let a site like Coasterbuzz outsell us in the key market demographic of coaster thong wearers. Maybe we'll add super-small thongs for our members, or just sell some stained, used ones. After all, coaster lovers are often in the habit of buying stained and filthy coaster shirts on Ebay and at swap meets. Why not pee-soaked ACE thongs?"

ARN&R itself was shaken to its very foundations by news of another website successfully selling a thong. "We've been offering a lovely Beast thong at our store for months," said an exasperated Editor in Chief. "Since ours come from Cafe Press, they are clearly of superior quality. I can't wait until this CB thong purchaser has their product dissolve in the midst of a chilly, moist Phoenix Phall Phunfest next year!"

--JCK