Monday, March 07, 2005

ACE News Staff Diagnosed With Rare Disorder

In announcement that rocked that coaster enthusiast world today, it was revealed that the staff of ACE News, a publication of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, has been diagnosed with Alles Ist Essen Syndrome, a rare and potentially deadly condition. Alarmed by the continued focus on the amount of food ACE members enjoy ramming into their faces, as opposed to the coverage of roller coasters the group professes to love, an independent research team studied the ACE News staff for the past month before making its pronouncement.

Alles Ist Essen Syndrome is an "extremely uncommon disease that causes its helpless victims to think almost everything they see is an actual food item," said clinician Dr. Javier Rodriguez. He added that "there were many warning signs that the staff of this magazine was suffering from this disorder," but the clearest example that there was a major problem was when a breaking news article in the latest edition of the newsletter stated that a new Dollywood teacup ride had been "customized to represent icy cool tumblers dancing around a big ol' pitcher of lemonade- how sweet and refreshing."

According to Rodriguez, "while it seems fairly harmless to think that a mechanical ride is actually literally sweet and refreshing, this could be a tremendous problem in the long term. What if this magazine's staff were to actually go to this park? Would they merely tell their friends that the ride is tasty? Would they salivate on themselves? Or, I shudder to think, might they try to actually eat this new ride? The consequences could be tremendous both for them and for the ride itself. I've seen those buffets."

"A new puke ride themed like a pitcher of lemonade is unique and mildly interesting," Rodriguez concluded. "It is not, however, sweet and refreshing. Sorry."