Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Nickelback Dumped From Rock 'n' Roller Coaster Retheme

In stunning news that shook both the pop music and amusement industries, the widely-beloved and influential band Nickelback was unceremoniously dumped from a planned revamp of the Rock 'n' Roller Coaster at Disney/MGM Studios Theme Park, due to an embarrassing scandal that has come to light recently.

The Rock 'n' Roller Coaster was a huge hit when it first opened, as the combination of a smooth, exciting roller coaster with great Aerosmith theming and onboard sound had excited park-goers getting back in line over and over. But, for the past year, the ride has seemed star-crossed. First, in April of 2003, the Aerosmith theme of the ride was replaced with one featuring obscure, widely disliked mid-twentieth-century classical composers. The stunning failure of this version of the Rock 'n' Roller led to yet another new version that featured the hard-rocking hits of Debbie Boone, Kenny G, and Michael Bolton. This version was even more unpopular with guests.

The Studios had been planning a more thorough reworking of the ride to reflect a more unique and original side of current pop music, and the announcement that Nickelback would be involved with the project had fans ecstatic. The ride was slated to be closed from late this September until November, when a new onboard soundtrack featuring popular hits such as "Too Bad" and "How You Remind Me" would debut. The band members would also film a new opening segment to be shown in the preshow area, although lead singer Chad Kroeger, described by Disney representatives as "more radio friendly than video friendly" and "moderately fugly," would only appear off screen.

That was before the Nickelback Scandal broke. When The Webshite published an audio file proving that "How You Remind Me" and "Someday" are exactly the same stupid song, Disney swiftly decided to drop its relationship with Nickelback, choosing to take the monetary losses associated with the termination of the contract rather than risk being heartily mocked alongside the beleaguered band.

A Disney rep who spoke on condition of anonymity indicated that, after the Nickelback scandal broke, the park had engaged in preliminary talks with David Hasselhoff in the hopes that he would lend his glorious voice and chest hair to the attraction's revamp, but talks were broken off after Hasselhoff's DUI arrest later the same day.

The Disney rep further stated that Disney still intended to move forward with the revamp, but to go about it in a different way: by soliciting the opinions of music experts at Theme Park Critic.

"These guys really know what they're talking about," said the rep. "We can glean so much from them, and then come up with a fruitful ride experience that everyone will enjoy. For instance, we certainly want to take advice both from people who confuse Jimmy Page with Ted Nugent, as well as those who think the best thing about Led Zeppelin was the 15 minute drum solos. And also those who offer for people to play their skin flutes, and those who think Canada is across the ocean somewhere. Oh, and we especially wish to draw from the talented minds who came up with the Favorite Bands discussion [Editor's Note: featured here, here, and here, for starters]. There are some simply amazing minds at work there, and the future of Rock 'n' Roller Coaster surely lies with them, not with punk-ass, no-talent bitches like Nickelback."

--JCK
Fear the Boobie

We've already referenced this forum topic at Ultimate Rollercoaster as part of our Breaking News section ("Repressed Prudes Post on Coaster Forums, Say Experts"), but it's gotten so hysterical it just made our Site O' the Weak. From its humble beginnings as a mere outburst of prudishness by a deeply repressed poster who was miffed that a picture of the nude Nemesis Inferno ride photo made it into a signature line, observe how the topic degenerates (amazingly, it's possible) into plenty of random personal insults, the spewing of general hatred for all men, the trashing the social habits and beliefs of other countries, and, thankfully, the posting of more boobie pictures.

Please be aware that you will witness terrifying pictures of boobies, probably the first you've ever seen if you're a coaster enthusiast, if you actually link to the Site O' the Weak. You are a dirty, flithy pervert who will rot in the fiery pits of Hell (or perhaps Southern Mississippi) if you look at them. So you should probably just take our word for it that this topic is damn funny and not actually look at it, or else Satan will rip your still-beating heart from your chest and feed it to his Welsh Corgi.

--JCK

[Editor's Note: Please stop sending us the hate mail. The author certainly did not mean to imply that Welsh Corgies are beasts of Hell, merely that Satan owns one. We apologize for any offense taken by owners of this magnificent breed.]