Monday, August 02, 2004

Couple Wins Legal Battle Against Alton Towers

Farley Village residents and pottery makers Stephen and Suzanne Roper won a private prosecution ruling against neighboring Alton Towers today. The couple has fought the park for twenty-five years in an effort to keep noise levels down. In the decision, the judge noted that the roller coaster Oblivion is severely flawed, in that people scream while they are on it. Additionally, he spent a weekend with the Ropers to observe nearby Alton Towers, as well as view the couple's Demi Moore-Patrick Swayze-like pottery-making shenanigans, and concluded that mechanical noises, voices, and the pitter-patter of small woodland creatures were all noise ordinance violations. At a later hearing, it could be determined that Alton Towers could receive severe penalties for disturbing the people who live nearby.

"It's true that Alton Towers has been here longer," said the judge. "But that doesn't matter. We have to protect people in the local area, even if they are stupid enough to buy a house right next to an amusement park and think there won't be any bloody noise."

Pleased with their victory against the forces of fun and good, the Ropers have announced that they plan to purchase a Hummer and then bitch about how low the gas mileage is, buy an apartment across from a school and bitch about how many children are running around nearby, buy the Freddy Got Fingered Special Box Set DVD and bitch about how much it sucks, and buy their very own TOGO coaster and bitch about how it hurts their heads.

They also plan to continue spying on Jack Tripper in an effort to determine whether or not he is a homosexual.

--JCK
Red Sox Not Done Dealing

Although most baseball insiders figured the Boston Red Sox were done wheeling and dealing after their shocking multi-team trade that sent fan favorite and frequent All-Star Nomar Garciaparra to the Chicago Cubs and garnered them what Sox General Manager Theo Epstein delightedly called "the best defensive designated hitter available" and a "shortstop who is definitely warm and probably breathing," the team has continued to make moves at a frenzied pace.

This comes despite the difficulty teams have in making trades after July 31, since all players involved must now clear waivers.

The first player to go after "Nomah" was pitcher Derek Lowe, who was traded by the Sox to Sylvan Beach Amusement Park for their Galaxi coaster and a bumper car to be named later.

"Epstein can spin this any way he wants, but it really seems like the team has just given up," said Baseball America's Juan Manning. "Although this Galaxi is a well-maintained example of its type, and has the size and speed to be a versatile fit in most parks, it's too old to bring the heat like Lowe. Giving up good pitching for a well-travelled, solid, utility coaster makes no sense to me. And the throw-in of one bumper car won't even provide short-term relief for the Sox."

Manning stated that the Red Sox have several other major deals in the works, assuming all the necessary players clear waivers. "We predict some pretty major ones going down within the next week," he said. These reportedly include the Sox moving Tim Wakefield to Wild Adventures for a giraffe and a used Elvira simulator, Johnny Damon to the Braves for "a pocketful of change," and Pedro Martinez to the Yankees for "whatever."

--JCK

[Editor's Note: In other sporting event news, the Bengals visit Boardwalk & Baseball and Claude Mabillard is traded.]