Friday, June 27, 2003

Breaking News: Possible Full-Season Shutdown of TTD "Still Totally Normal!"

In response to Cedar Fair's announcement that Top Thrill Dragster may ultimately be closed for the season, experts throughout the teenage internet coaster enthusiast community continued to declare it "totally normal," as was the breaking of the cable, supports, track, train, train accoutrements, and the station.

"Tell me one ride that, a month after its opening, doesn't have the CEO talking about closing it down for the rest of the season!" exclaimed oft-quoted MeanStrkRulz. "And I'm far from a fanboy! Why, I bet it was part of the park's plans from the start! Just tease people with the ride and then get them to discover great coasters like Mean Streak and Mantis!"

RaptorRulesMySky concurred. "It's only another three or four months in the season, so I don't know why people are getting upset."
Universal Studios Theme Park Strives To Add Realism To Their Studio Parks

Guests at the Universal Studios theme parks in Hollywood and Orlando will soon see several new additions to both parks' "city streets." In an effort to make the city scenery seem more realistic and believable, Universal is adding panhandlers at every corner and at least one hooker at every intersection.

The make believe bums will be easily recognizable with their bedraggled clothes and crudely lettered cardboard signs. They will beg park patrons for spare change, leer maniacally at busty young women and urinate on themselves or the pavement quite frequently in order to make themselves seem all that more believable. Guests too stubborn to part with their pocket change will get an extra special surprise treat in the form of a "loogie" being "hocked" upon them by the feisty fake freeloaders.

The counterfeit call girls will be a little bit harder to spot since they will blend in with many of Universal's usual female guests. They will strut along the street corners hurling insults at male guests' wives or girlfriends and "flipping the bird" to anyone who gives them a disparaging glance. They will also offer free samples of their "goods and services" to the first ten guests daily who can actually discern them from the regular crowd of "interesting" women that frequent the Universal Studios parks.

Universal is not stopping there though. Their artists are also decorating the streets and sidewalks to truly make guests feel like they never left their hometown. They have recently been very busy laying down miscellaneous litter, broken bottles, used hypodermic needles, used contraceptives, human and animal feces, old mattresses and discarded major appliances. In addition, they have been spray-painting obscenities and lewd pictures onto various buildings throughout their parks in order to complete the illusion.

Universal anticipates introducing their newest street performers steadily throughout the summer months. Auditions will be held on Tuesday mornings starting on July 8th. All interested persons should contact the Universal Studios theme parks division human resources department or stop by the guest services booth at any Universal theme park.

--JWS