Friday, April 06, 2007 Branching Out

California-based announced today that it would, beginning immediately, launch itself as safety experts in the pharmaceutical, automotive, genetics, and heavy machinery industries.

"Within weeks, we expect to start getting quoted by oblivious reporters who spend no time considering whether we in fact have any qualifications," said a press release issued by the organization. "We can set up another website that would have maybe looked modern in 1995 within, like, five minutes, and start issuing self-important pronouncements a couple of hours later. No problem!"

Indeed, within two hours of the press release's issuance, the group distributed its first "safety alert" regarding the popular anti-cholesterol medication Lipitor. "One PharmaSafety member has reported that this product can cause dizziness if you smack yourself on the head very hard with the bottle. Another reports that the drug can cause discomfort if placed in the anus. Both report that their usage did not result in lowered cholesterol. We think this is enough information to declare the product a problem and to describe [Lipitor manufacturer] Pfizer as anti-consumer."

Similarly, the group urged "caution" in connection with the Toyota Prius, because "three out of four Prius drivers felt unsafe when drivng it at eighty miles per hour while drunk. Toyota clearly has different priorities than driver safety!"

When asked for their qualifications to evaluate the safety of pharmaceuticals, automobiles, genetic therapies, and heavy machinery, an organization spokesman said, "We are exactly as qualified to be a safety authority about those industries as we are about amusement rides."



  1. Best ARN&R article ever. I deem this Reliable and True!

    Good Job, We knew you'd come around.


  2. Anonymous6:00 PM

    ROFL....exceptional fun!
    More importantly, SAFE fun...

    ARN&R *has* been certified as safe for internal use, right?

  3. Anonymous8:11 PM

    See? I told you the ARN&R guys ROCK!

  4. WTF Funky?! This article is every bit as stupid as the rest of them! There's nothing funny here! Are you feeling alright? What have you jerks done with Funky?!

  5. Who said anything about funny? It's reliable and True. ASO SUCKS WORSE THAN ARN&R ever though about Suckage!

    We should Boycott the ASO. At least they deserve it. Their also more hearsay and Bull Crap than ARN&R ever though about being.

    So if your in this for a joke. Just visit

    Funky, who says make something up and send it in. It'll be on the news in a couple weeks.

  6. Anonymous8:59 AM


    For once, a real site to boycott! It's just a front cuz Jason is an attention whore. If I had to choose between Jason and Ralph Nader as a safety expert, I'd go with Nader.

  7. Anonymous9:10 AM

    Sorry to double post, but another thing... all Jason really has is an EMT certification... that doesn't make him a safety expert, because all of his "data" is purely empirical, nor does he disclose how he gets that data, nor does it break down how they received their injuries... just where. I'm sure most of it is rider error (rider stupidity).

    If you go to, it goes to another site from someone who seems to have more credentials.

  8. Anonymous2:00 PM

    Awesome. I've been lost for words to describe the stupidity of this group, but once again, ARN&R has put it all in perspective for me.