Friday, February 14, 2003

Scandal Strands Dork Island

The new Fox reality series called Dork Island found itself embroiled in scandal almost before it began this week, when one of its contestants proved not to be nearly as dorky as he was contractually obligated to be.

As reported earlier by ARN&R, Dork Island is a show that features a diverse group of total wankers competing in a series of battles. Each week, dorks are voted off the island, and bullies administer wedgies and taunts to them. Ratings for the new show have shot through the roof, with the premiere garnering an amazing 34.5 Nielsen share.

The glitch in the show was discovered this week. Says Fox representative Ryan Swank, “everyone signed a contract expressly pledging total geekdom, in order that the show be as interesting as possible. While the majority of the Dork Island participants have proven truly dorkalicious, especially the vampire guy, computer games tester, and Star Wars doll collector, certain contestants were deemed unacceptable and removed from our show.”

Surprisingly, the geek removed from the reality series was none other than “Danny,” the coaster enthusiast. Preliminary Vegas odds listed Danny as a 2 to 1 shot to be named Master Nerd by the end of the show’s final Geek Council. “It turns out Danny really isn’t that much of a putz,” says Swank. “Danny has obviously had healthy relationships with other people, and does not focus a full one hundred percent of his efforts on roller coasters. While he does keep lists of favorite rides, and takes a two-week coaster vacation once per year, he just doesn’t have the level of total obsession we want. He’s married to an attractive young lady. He regularly joins friends for a drink or to watch basketball. He must have been laid before, because he and his wife have two kids. Even worse, while he does take his family to amusement parks, he also takes them for movies and goes to their soccer games and violin lessons. This is a fairly regular guy who has a kind of weird hobby. What we were promised is Doctor Doofmeister.”

Danny has already begun bashing the show for unfairness, stating that “they knew I was going to win, but they preferred playing up the tension between the Magic player and the D&D fan. It’s nothing but cheap shock tactics, and I am currently seeking council on whether to file a lawsuit.”

Fox announced today that Danny would be replaced on Dork Island by Corey Feldman.

--JCK