Tuesday, March 18, 2003

Six Flags New England Taunts Season Pass Holders

In a recent e-mail to its loyal and/or stupid patrons who for some reason bought a season pass yet again, Six Flags New England took the bold new step of actually taunting them, sources tell us ARN&R. This is in contrast to past years, where patrons were merely ignored or disdained.

“I can’t believe they would actually go and do something this mean,” said Buster McFeely, 21. “I’ve been stupid enough to hand my money over to this poorly-run junk heap of a park ever since it was Riverside, but now I’m really going to have to think about where my money is going next season. Probably to Six Flags Northeastern New York.”

ARN&R has obtained a copy of the offending email. One of the most offensive portions of the taunting missive is below. The content is graphic and troubling, so children, the elderly, and the easily perturbed are warned to avoid reading on:

We hope you enjoyed your off-season. We spent the winter adding up the survey results and answered YOUR #1 request with Hurricane Harbor, featuring DOUBLE the deck space, almost TRIPLE the number of lounge chairs, a NEW wave pool, a NEW children's play area, a NEW entrance and NINE NEW WATERSLIDES!

“I don’t know a single human whose number one request at Six Flags was for anything involving a water park,” said Travis Dilson, 35. “I’m sure nobody exactly minds a few more slides going in. It’ll help capacity and maybe keep some people off Superman when I want to ride it. But the rest of that is a clear attempt by the park to mock us. Come on, when we filled out those surveys, do you think we actually put that our number one request was to rename the stupid water park? Or perhaps we begged for some more exciting deck space or even, yes, the children’s playpen? What do you take us for?”

“I found the part about the lounge chairs particularly galling and insulting,” stated a flustered Jean Goodson, 40. “It’s one thing to ignore our requests for better infrastructure, parking, and more coasters, but to openly pick a fight with us after we gave them money like that, it just pisses me off. Yeah, sure. On my form, I told them I wanted some (obscenity) lounge chairs. Whatever.”

The e-mail from Six Flags New England also included this passage:

Special events at Six Flags New England this spring will include: Spring Break, a weeklong celebration April 19-27, 2003. Join us for this first-ever weeklong Spring Break celebration featuring: bands, boards, bikes, the Spring Bling Fashion Thing and more. Live performances include the Vans Extreme Team featuring X-Games riders, and concerts by breaking modern rock bands Triple Seven and Drist. It's the perfect place to spend YOUR spring break!

National stupidity experts label this portion of the mailing “a direct and vile attempt to force season pass holders to avoid the park at all costs.”

“You better believe I’m going to do something about that,” added Goodson. “I’m going to call Six Flags Guest Services and give them an earful. Oh, there’s no number listed for guest services? Okay, I’ll send a ranting e-mail. Oh, none listed. Hmmm. Well, I guess I’ll just go into coaster forum websites and trash the place. At least that’ll make them listen to their customers!”

--JCK