Friday, March 28, 2003

Superhero Celebration II Interferes With Six Flags New England Policy

Six Flags New England recently announced Superhero Celebration II, an exciting enthusiast event that has coaster lovers around the world excited to experience Exclusive Ride Time and other perks at a reasonable price. While members of the public and of the American Coaster Enthusiasts have been uniformly positive about the announcement of the event, bigwigs at the park are upset that it is being done.

"This is obscene," sputtered Dolph Bergeron, an executive with SFNE. "How did we let this slip through? Six Flags New England has a proud tradition of poor guest relations to maintain, going all the way back to when this was Riverside Park. It's in the charter. Look it up. We have a No Fun Policy officially written on the books, and this is going a long way to ruin our reputation for service. Well, the lack thereof, I mean."

Added Fern Hightower, a park supervisor, "I don't know how we'll explain this to Six Flags Corporate. I guess we sort of dropped the ball and allowed a fun event to take place. I didn't think at the time that the fun of two hours of ERT of Superman, another hour on two other coasters, a meal, and a behind-the-scenes tour would destroy years of brutally offending and traumatizing guests, but perhaps I wasn't thinking clearly. I should defend myself by admitting I'd just ridden the Mind Eraser before voting on the enthusiast event, so I doubt I was thinking clearly."

Hightower attempted to reassure patrons, adding, "please be assured that we at Six Flags New England will do all we can to make up for this entertaining event by making every other day as lacking in fun as possible. We will assign seats on Thunderbolt and Batman, keep bathrooms as inhumanly disgusting as we are able, serve horrible food at jacked-up prices, run one train on almost every ride, close off seats on Poison Ivy just to inflate lines, have our ride ops yell at customers for not following instructions that are never posted anywhere, keep as many rides shut down as we are able, and hose random people down with raw human waste. Also, this season will feature security guards giving rough full body cavity searches to all visitors, and anyone coming within twenty feet of Guest Services will be Superglued into the back seat of the Cyclone and forced to ride it for the remainder of the day without a break. And we have not decided whether to make season pass holders wait six hours or seven for the three people working the booth to process them."

Hightower concluded by saying, "please don't think we're a park that cares or wants people to enjoy themselves. Pretty please? We hate you. Come back and waste lots of money. Don't judge us for being so cool one day of the season. Pretty please with sugar on top?"

--JCK