Saturday, April 12, 2003

Absolutely Reliable High on Americans' List of Worst Enemies

Recently, many major network television news showed the results of a nationwide poll where Americans were asked to give their opinions on who our country's greatest enemies and friends were. Not surprisingly, the "enemies" list was headed by Iraq and North Korea, while the "friends" category was dominated by Great Britain and Canada, though many of the voters later confessed they thought Canada was actually the 50th state, as opposed to an actual functioning country of its own. What was surprising about the poll were the results after the obvious first two answers in the "enemies" list. This morning, Fox News released the entire poll, and ARN&R was shocked and dismayed to find itself at #4.

"Well, this is a little disconcerting," stated the Editor in Chief. "To think our little quasi-amusing amusement industry satire blog would inspire this kind of revulsion among the inhabitants of our great and mighty nation is most puzzling and disheartening. I mean, at least Iraq and North Korea beat us out. But we barely finished behind France, and most Americans think those people are Satan's Prison Bitches, right? And in this poll, we somehow clobbered Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and even the Kilrathi Homeworld. Maybe we should reconsider having a site devoted entirely to stories about nice, fluffy bunny rabbits. And not the ones used as crotch pads by S&S, either."

The Editor in Chief then added, under his breath, "this is all that bastard JCK's fault, I just know it."

Coaster enthusiasts are reported to be jubilant. "This is great," said Jim Williams, 25. "That website is always taking the piss out of amusement parks and coaster lovers, and that's just wrong and un-American. I feel sure they are minions of the Antichrist, and therefore much worse enemies to our freedom-gorging nation that I love so dearly. I wish they were first on the list, but maybe there are some people who aren't aware of how filthy and disgusting this piece of crap site is. I'm sure if every American read this blasphemous crockery of the Devil, they would think it's far more insidious than world war. Maybe even...I know it's hard to think it's possible...but, even worse than France!"

--JCK