Sunday, May 04, 2003

EPCOT Revamps Test Track

Test Track, the revolutionary, though difficulty-plagued, ride at Disney's EPCOT park, has been shut down for a complete revamp and rehab, Disney officials tell ARN&R. The ride will be closed until approximately the middle of July as EPCOT changes the ride into "SUV Test Track" to better reflect what a park representative calls "the zealous American need to guzzle as much gas as possible, drive as much like a jackass as possible, and attempt, with no success whatsoever, to compensate for extremely tiny penises."

The current ride is one of the more popular ones at the park already. After observing a series of indoor exhibits that are really loud and pretty damn irritating after standing by them for two hours, riders see a snooze-inducing preshow, and then board Test Track cars that demonstrate a variety of prototype car tests and a high-speed trip around an outdoor track.

The new version of the ride is reported to focus more closely on the specific abilities of the SUV as opposed to actual responsible cars owned by people who aren't complete assholes (and who are perfectly happy with the large bulge in their pants). Riders will be able to practice riding up the ass of sensible family cars in the slow lane at 95 miles per hour, swerving randomly into lanes other than their own while watching television and playing with themselves, screaming into their cell phones while ramming into helpless children on bikes, setting their car alarms to 6000 decibels just in case a squirrel drops a nut within 50 yards of the stupid thing, blasting rap music loud enough to break windows eight blocks away, splaying across 5 parking spaces in tiny off-street city parking lots, and begging their doctors to please please please make their incredibly tiny wangs just a little bit bigger no matter what the cost.

SUV Test Track will conclude with a variant of the exciting 60mph outdoor track run, though in the new SUV version riders will experience the added thrill of driving at 150mph, knocking a Hyundai off a bridge, running over two Toyota Corollas, and then hitting a small chunk of gravel, flipping over, and exploding into a giant fireball.

Passengers will have the added thrill of portraying a themed character on their SUV Test Track run, each with a different vehicle. Rich Yuppie Scum Jackass Businessmen With Itty-Bitty Members and Rage Issues will drive a black Dodge Lincoln Navigator while yelling into a cell phone about some corporate takeover or golf. Stupid Little Blonde Teenage Bimbos Who Should Be Getting Knocked Up Instead of Endangering Others' Lives With Their Crappy Driving will drive baby blue Dodge Durangos while yelling into a cell phone about Christina Aguilera or how many football players they've given it up to this week. Repulsive Upper Class Soccer Moms Wearing Designer Sweatpants will use brown Chevy Tahoes while yelling randomly into the cell phone about nothing at all just to feel like they have some use on this planet. Or passengers can be a Pimp, and drive a black Cadillac Escalade while yelling into a cell phone that that bitch better pay up or she gonna taste the back of yo hand tonight.

--JCK

[Additional important Disney news: Woman stunned by THE FUTURE and Rock 'n' Rolller Coaster now features music by craptastic mid-twentieth-century composers.]