Saturday, May 17, 2003

Canobie Lake Debuts New Rides That Decapitate and Sodomize Riders, Says Boston Globe

The feud between the small amusement park Canobie Lake and that paragon of virtuous and factual reporting, the Boston Globe, heated up this week as a rabid article in the deeply respected publication claimed that the park’s new rides are causing extensive problems.

The new rides in question are DaVinci’s Dream, a full-size Wave Swinger, and Alpine Swing, a kid-sized version. Many park enthusiasts and the general public were surprised by the Globe’s canny reporting of the difficulties these rides are having, as they are normally considered quite safe. Citing “really secret sources we paid lots of money to so they would help us sell papers with a titillating story about non-existent amusement park dangers,” the Globe made the bold charge that the new rides had caused the decapitation of twenty-three riders already this year. Even more alarmingly, the Globe noted that sixteen riders were violently sodomized by the Dream. “That ride is a veritable priest,” noted the Globe.

Additionally, the Boston Globe reported on the major effort being undertaken by communities near Canobie Lake to silence these rides. “These contraptions are an outrage,” a gentleman by the name of Billy Bob Gosford-Biakabatuka is alleged to have said. “All that noise keeps my kids up. I bet they don’t have a permit. Also, that coaster they have felt me up behind the tool shed once. Canobie Lake is out of control.” Unfortunately, ARN&R could not verify the veracity of this quote in the Globe, as we could not locate anyone named Billy Bob Gosford-Biakabatuka in the entire country, let alone New Hampshire. We also could not find the two people in the article, named Helmet Srinivasen-Kemper and Mateusz Juergensen-Westfeldt, who both alleged noise and construction limits violations by Canobie Lake. ARN&R will vigilantly strive to find these individuals for confirmation of this breaking Boston Globe expose.

This week, the Boston Globe also broke such exciting factual and well-researched news as the following: Smokeless tobacco is actually good for combating tooth decay in children under the age of eight, Sinead O’Conner will be elected as the next Pope, the nation of Liechtenstein is a rogue nuclear state that must be destroyed, and Sofia Coppola’s acting blew Pacino off the screen in The Godfather Part III.

--JCK

[Ed. Note: Canobie Lake's ride should not be confused with "The Head Remover," Old Oklahoma's still-running coaster that continues to decaptitate virtually every rider other than midgets. IAAPA's position remains that all such decaptitations are clearly due to rider error.]