Tuesday, June 03, 2003

Universal to Open Ride Starring That Prick From the Verizon Commercials

To the delight of millions around the world, Universal Studios Florida today announced it was beginning construction on an exciting interactive ride. The ride, billed as the first of its kind, will star that repulsive, irritating prick from the Verizon Wireless commercials. Even more delightful will be the fact that the thrilling Sally dark ride will consist of several themed rooms where passengers are invited to blast various sorts of garbage right in the face of this noxious bastard.

“Forget that silly Mommy ride we’re building,” said Universal representative Craig Corleone. “While we think visitors will be amused by it, it is a mere trifle compared to the upcoming interactive experience 'Verizon Wireless Prick 4D: Shower That Little F&%# With Garbage and Sewage.'”

Corleone went on to explain the layout of the ride in general terms. “Obviously, some information about various chambers of horrors is secret and will remain so. However, I can let you know about some aspects of the ride. The vehicles will resemble those of 'Men in Black.' Riders will pass through a variety of rooms with different scenes, and they will have guns on the cars that they use to hose that insufferable tool down over and over again with all sorts of filthy waste products. In one room, riders spray him with pressurized diarrhea, in another they paste him with bile, and in another he takes Imperial gallons worth of raccoon semen right in the kisser. The best room will be one where he reenacts his suave ‘urban’ experience where he quasi-raps with a number of attractive African Americans on a street corner. Riders get to blast him with cubic yards of cat spraint, and they get loads of extra points if they get that cretin in the mouth when he opens it to say ‘Can you hear me now? Good!’ The kids’ll love it. The kids’ll just love it.”

When asked how the Verizon asswipe was chosen as the villain who gets doused with excrement and other special liquids, Corleone was philosophical. “It was a matter of finding someone that inspired such incredible hatred that every human would want to pay loads of cash and be willing to wait in line for days in order to humiliate and torment him. Some of our staff requested George Bush, but we needed someone that all people loathed, not just the ones with half a shred of common sense. So then we thought we could use Saddam Hussein, since basically everyone hates him. That was thwarted when we realized some of our valuable fundamentalist American-hating Islamic visitors might not want to dump garbage on Saddam’s head, and they’d probably take their business to Six Flags Over Shiite-Controlled Iraq instead. We also pondered using Steve Miller, Carrot Top, and Christina Aguilera, but these people inexplicably have a bare handful of supporters. Then it dawned on us. The Verizon prick! Everyone hates him! Except presumably for himself and his mother.”

After pausing for a moment, Corleone said, “No, wait. We checked on that one. That little Verizon c*cksucker’s mother told us she was ‘decidedly neutral’ about her son’s career. So we have one person for him, one who abstains, and then five or six billion who think he’s a total dick. And we hope those five or six billion people come out to fling unspeakable filth on this moron, and give us copious amounts of their dough in the process.”

--JCK

[Ed. Note: We don't want to be callous regarding the Holiday World accident, and we hope you don't think we are by starting up again today. We plan to keep you updated on any memorials or the like, though if you're counting on us for coaster news in any other context, we'd suggest, well, that you don't. Again, apologies if you think we're back up too soon; we think a little laughter's not a bad thing.]