Sunday, June 29, 2003

Drooling Morons Not Limited to Coaster Enthusiasm as Hobby

While we at ARN&R have been continually astounded at the lack of common sense and even subsimian-level intellect displayed by many who send us letters and/or comment on us on various coaster message boards, we have been highly distressed to have no confirmation whatsoever that we were noticed or despised by anyone except those who like their woodies big, fast, and well greased. Nay, every poorly-spelled and grammatically hilarious forum topic extolling the fiery brimstone and torment of Satan awaiting us upon our hopefully imminent deaths, every pathetic threatening letter appearing in the ARN&R Mail Repository, and each and every website calling us names appears to have been the work of some hapless coaster enthusiast nitwit. (Incidentally, this would be an excellent place to add links indicating examples of all the above, but our extensive work on the ACE Museum's ERT and Gravy exhibits is taking up too much time to bother with that sort of intricacy.)

We are most pleased to announced that we finally have proof that our humble website has "jumped the rails," so to speak, and is categorically pissing off the general population, as well. At this discussion at an Elvis forum, our little synopsis of Lisa Marie Presley's deranged shrieking and caterwauling at an NBA playoff halftime met with confusion, derision, and, sometimes, naturally, poor use of proofreading skills.

Following the usual pattern established when our website is freshly discovered, despite the fact that it is clearly indicated all over the front page and archives as a website that satirizes the amusement park industry and is not meant to be taken with the slightest shred of seriousness, an astute writer at the Elvis group notes helpfully that "I don't believe a word of that article." More interesting discussion occurs:

What I was referring to was the implication that her popularity dropped
after her NBA appearance. I knew the rest was [bad word]. The whole web-page
is supposed to be based on rumors, though that article was obviously written
as a way of slamming Lisa again, probably written by some cretin regular
here.


ARN&R officially must come clean here in response to this pointed and witty barb. Yes, it's true. Our months upon months of writing amusement park and enthusiast satire and line of exciting consumer products were all an elaborate hoax by members of the Elvis forum 'cretins' designed to lead up to a story on how much Lisa Marie Presley sucks ass just so we could post it on the Elvis message board to defame the little succubus and get a reaction there! You caught us! Thank you very much.

We at ARN&R are gladdened to see that there were actually members of this group who immediately recognized the piece as what we call "a joke." Bless you. You have almost restored our faith in humanity. Hopefully your confused forum-mates will some day understand that we in no way were serious when we suggested Lisa Marie Presley was refused employment at Libertyland as a bumper car due to her lack of any talent whatsoever. However, we do stand by our statement that Nicholas Cage divorced Presley "because he could still taste Michael Jackson on her."

--JCK

[Editor's Note: Our little missive on Lisa Marie's guttural animal howls also found its way onto forums for pro wrestling and Michael Jackson; we have not yet ascertained whether the lack of a hot discussion subsequent to the first posting indicates that the participants of these groups are too smart to be fooled by our deep and not-at-all immature jokes, or whether all the big words baffled them. More news at AN&R the moment it breaks.]