Tuesday, July 08, 2003

Le Monstre Reclaims Title as World's Tallest Wood Roller Coaster

In a stunning development, it was discovered today that the new record holder for tallest wood coaster in the world is Le Monstre, at La Ronde park in Montreal, Quebec. A gala celebration was marked with a speech by park manager Jacques Détente. According to Détente, "this is a very proud day for our great amusement park. Le Monstre is the tallest wooden roller coaster on the planet, and we Quebecois should celebrate a record that no one shall ever defeat.” Following Détente’s statements, thousands of unwashed, chain-smoking eight-year-old Montreal natives took a break from their line cutting to raise their fists in the air and cheer. “Viva la France!” added Détente. “Er, I mean…hmmm…Viva La Ronde, I guess?”

Détente’s claims during his edifying speech were echoed immediately by La Ronde’s website, which, in addition to claiming “The Monster is the highest wooden roller coaster in the world,” also found time to note that riders would be “[subjected to] a series of dizzying, gravity-defying loops,” an intriguing statement to amusement industry representatives and coaster enthusiasts unaware that Le Monstre actually featured any inversions.

Other parks were quick to bow before the overwhelming evidence that the 131-foot tall Le Monstre is indeed the undisputed champion of wood coaster height in the known universe.

“We were obviously gravely mistaken these past few years when we advertised our stupid Son of Beast coaster as being the highest woodie at 218 feet,” confessed Paramount’s King’s Island representative Ben Escuder. “It is now blatantly clear that Le Monstre is higher. We plan to issue a full apology on our website and ritually flog ourselves with wet noodles to atone for our sins.” Noting that “[Le Monstre] can turn up to 112 riders into screaming, white-knuckled, trembling pools of jelly all at the same time!” Escuder admitted that Son of Beast “sucked” and that “everyone needs to go ride the world’s tallest and best thrill ride, Le Monstre.”

Other parks also issued written apologies and offered to make vast monetary payments to La Ronde to avoid a lawsuit over their filthy lies that their dumb wood coasters were actually “taller” than Le Monstre. The parks scampering home with their limp tails curled beneath their legs include Six Flags Fiesta Texas (179-foot Rattler), Heide Park (170-foot Collossos), Cedar Point (161-foot Mean Streak), and Six Flags Over Texas (143-foot Texas Giant). ARN&R wags a stiff little finger at and issues a stern talking-to in the direction of these very bad, awful parks for this sort of horrible false advertising for all these years.

La Ronde’s Détente told reporters after his speech that the park would be making a number of additional stunning announcements in the near future, including these true facts: Vampire has 17 inversions, a world record by 7; the Toboggan Nordique is launched out of its station at over 100 miles per hour; Orbite is the only ride S&S has ever built anywhere, Le Boomerang was rated the number one steel coaster on the planet by Amusement Business, Paul Ruben was created in a test tube by La Ronde scientists using nothing more than some fungus, bat guano and elbow grease; and security guards at the park will begin occasionally enforcing park regulations such as No Cutting, No Smoking in Line, and No Climbing Fences and Standing on Coaster Tracks Like a Complete Jackass Desperately Trying to Improve Our Gene Pool.

--JCK