Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Absolutely Reliable Plastered All Over the World Wide Web

If some of you people out there haven't figured this out yet, we here at ARN&R just love getting attention. And fortunately for us, we're getting plenty of it on the web lately. Check out some of these exciting places we've been mentioned!

First of all, we're "Xtremely" pleased to be on the first page for Google searches for "funny names like Jack Meoff." Not as pleased as we were to know all those furtive masturbators found us by unsuccessfully coming to our page after doing searches for "Kristen Kreuk naked" or "Renee Zellweger Wrestling in Sloppy Porridge With Catherine Zeta Jones," but still quite pleased.

Our Fearless Leader and Editor for Life got us a ton of attention with his story about the new Vekoma coaster prototype that grabs riders only by the head. Tragically, some folks at Coasters2K Forums actually believed this article was true. Although we are somewhat concerned that anyone would ignore obvious warning signs that nothing on this website is real, some of the responses from the original poster's colleagues on the forum are pretty darn funny. And, through this posting, we seem to have drawn the attention of some new fans who actually bothered to read some of the early archives, which really are quite funny sometimes, even if JCK wasn't yet writing for the site and hauling in that all-important "throngs of hot young babes" demographic like he is now.

That Vekoma story sure had legs. It also appeared at the SixFlagsNews.com Forums, though no one there seems to have actually thought it was true. However, it went over there like the proverbial turd in the punchbowl (although, come to think of it, there is no proverb that we can think of involving turds and/or punchbowls, so...uh...oh, nevermind....). The esteemed Mr. bb_dog announces, "i dont really like that site. they are so freaking arrogent [sic] and hypocritical." We've sent this comment over to our highly-paid Special Assistant Junior Administrative Assistant for Responding to Grammatically Suspect Anger-Ridden Posts and E-Mails, and he tells us the following:

1) "Arrogent" is not the proper spelling for that word.
2) Of course we are arrogant. We're very upset that this news is still surprising to anyone. We shall double our efforts, Lord Vader.
3) We are not, however, "hypocritical" in any way that we know of. Perhaps if we had built a coaster where patrons are grabbed by the head, and then taunted Vekoma for building a coaster where patrons are grabbed by the head, then we could be considered hypocritical. But we didn't do that. We'll let you know if we do.

Many moons ago, there appeared on our site an article about Great Escape converting to Six Flags Northeastern New York. It was really incredibly silly, but it too attracted lots of attention, including a threatening and hilarious email from our old buddy Xfan that butchered the English language like a lamb at a Greek wedding. We somehow missed this outstanding forum discussion on SFNE Central that included our article. Amongst the discussion we have the following positive press for ARN&R:

Nope it's fake rumor told by some other stupid site called Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors, you can find it here. If I were you, I wouldn't look at it, they made fun of parks such as Great Escape and Six Flags, it made me upset. So I recommand [sic]... don't take it seriously.

They just make things up and they don’t even think things through. I don’t even find them funny. Which is what they clam [sic] to be.

That second one up there is from our old friend and rocket scientist mrceagle, who, for those who forget or weren't here with us yet, was the one who made what is still the single most fabulous comment ever about our website: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."

Incidentally, a search on Google for "Six Flags Anal Probe" has the aforementioned discussion as its number one link. Since our experience every time we visit Six Flags New England seems quite similar to what we expect an anal probe would be like, we find it quite fitting that this search leads directly to a site which has news about this park. We also note that Mapquest is now happy to provide a map for Six Flags Northeastern New York.

We also were mentioned at the Six Flags stockholders forum, though unfortunately this did not attract any interesting discussion about how we need to rot in hell. Pretty boring. Oh well.

And, finally, the Florida Historical Foundations jumped all over our patently ridiculous story about the Cincinatti Bengals visiting Boardwalk & Baseball, and used the thing as a serious piece of news. With a quote and everything. One might think that such phrases as "Bengals' almost-quarterback Jon Kitna" and "three Bengals were bitten by rabid dogs, and at least a dozen were visibly crying" might tip someone off that we aren't a real news page, but hey, those people don't have time to read disclaimers when they're spending all that time getting chased around by mutant cockroaches and screwing up national elections.

--JCK