Sunday, November 30, 2003

ACE Changes Focus, Website Offerings

Following approximately twenty-five years of coaster-lovin' fun, the American Coaster Enthusiasts are changing their focus. "We've been at this for a quarter-century," noted ACE President, Daimyo, and Auxiliary Clarinetist Carole Sanderson. "It's a mature organization that can grow and change with the times, and we are certainly a mature organization."

Continued Sanderson, "our focus has always been about riding roller coasters, preserving roller coasters, creating eye-searing layouts for magazines about roller coasters, and, of course, happily rutting and frolicking amongst piles of deep-fried suckling pigs, Crisco, and baked beans. But we have learned and adapted with the changing times, and from this day forth ACE will be an organization devoted entirely to health, well-being, and fitness."

Sanderson then unveiled the new and vastly-improved ACE website. Now billing itself as "America's Authority on Fitness," ACE will end its drooling obsession with roller coasters and gravy, and instead run programs like Operation FitKids. Instead of hopelessly outdated information about park discounts and events, the ACE website now features "Fit Facts," health articles, and an easily searchable database where visitors can locate area health clubs and ACE pros.

"Many ACE members have expressed surprise that their club, which they paid dues to, has switched its focus entirely," said Sanderson. "For instance, many of them find it somewhat ironic that a club based largely on non-exercising people getting together to ram entire sides of lard-and-walnut-dredged roast bison down their throats would suddenly be linking to articles called 'Outwitting Holiday Weight Woes' and 'Fighting Child Obesity,' but we really think a commitment to enriching the quality of life through safe and effective physical activity is considerably more useful than writing articles about Vekoma Boomerangs or publishing profiles of ACE members who list their favorite non-coaster activities as 'eating foods on sticks,' 'playing video games,' 'going to X-Files conventions,' and 'whacking off.'"

ACE Promotions Director Lee Colletti chimed in to note that the ACE Online Store would soon be offering exciting products like the Complete Personal Trainer Home Study Program and the Heartsaver First Aid with CPR and AED Training Course. "Unfortunately," said the PD, "to make room for these outstanding new products, we will need to phase out the vast majority of our current catalog, including those classy polyester ACE jackets, ACE Christmas ornaments, and Special Edition ACE-Endorsed Turkey and Gravy Flavored Soda Pop.

Colletti refused to confirm whether the ACE Online Store would continue to offer the ACE muumuu or not.

--JCK (with additional alert reporting by SJ and DEC)