Saturday, January 03, 2004

New Line to Farm Out Return of the King DVD Effects

Fans of the Lord of the Rings trilogy of movies expressed outrage this week when it became known that New Line Studios, the distributor for the movies, was strongly leaning toward farming out the effects work for the Return of the King Special Extended Edition DVD. WETA Digital, which handled all effects for the three films and the added scenes for the two previous Special Extended Editions, was considered too expensive by the studio, which plans to hand the special effects work for the final DVD to Vekoma.

"We know these three films and the previous two extended DVDs have been all about quality," said a New Line rep too slimy and hideous to allow us to use his name. "That's why we figured it would be a great idea to really f*** our audience with the very last chapter in the saga. Instead of using the expensive, quality production of WETA, which has made us metric assloads of money and pleased many movie fans and critics, we figured we'd just get a crap coaster manufacturer to slap some tacky garbage in there."

"We're cheap bastards," the rep added.

Vekoma, which is noted for causing both crushing boredom and severe head trauma with its Suspended Looping Coasters, Boomerangs, and Seatless Floorless Coasters, has no prior experience with movie special effects. The company reportedly plans to show the dramatic fight scene between Gandalf and the Witch King by putting an Invertigo into the scene with Ian McKellen, while more battle scenes with Orcs will be represented with thousands of convincing "clones" of a Vekoma SLC.

"Hey, don't whine to us," said the rep, pawing his hands through his oily toupee. "You should be thanking us for having a really s**tty coaster design firm doing the effects for this DVD. At least we didn't use the cretins who animated Jar Jar Binks for the new Star Wars flicks."

--JCK