Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Woo Plague Spreads

Coaster tool experts were certain that ARN&R's public besmirching of Team Woo's crappy and frightening website would lead to the group slinking off into a corner in shame, never to wear dorkass uniforms and scream like brain-dead stuck pigs at American amusement parks again. However, these experts were soon proved wrong with the discovery that the irritating "Power of Woo" is alive and well throughout the nation.

"The reports of horrid Wooness are legion," states Mark Gilchrist, a leading writer on the subject of embarrassing coaster toolness. "Dozens of disturbing examples of Woo oozing through the quagmire of society have been unearthed." Gilchrist then presented a gargantuan list of insidious Woo references from the Web. Culled from the list are several are the more prominent Woo references, featured here:

-In an an online argument over the frivolous lawsuit filed by Chinese Drag Queen Restaurant Lucky Cheng's against Zagat for claiming the restaurant blows, one poster offers the illuminating, if deeply puzzling, comment that "[t]his would be were I yell WOO and chug a stupid shot while getting teabagged by a transvestive [sic], but I'm not Aron."

-In a fabulously idiotic and hilarious dissertation on cheerleading audition procedures, which national humor experts label as "absolutely the funniest f**king crap I've ever read in my entire life, please read the entire awful webpage, you'll thank us, wheeze, wheeze, gasp, wheeze," the (presumably) teenybopper webhost gives these expert instructions:

Don't scream, but yell from your diaphragm. Do not be sing songy. Make sure the judges can hear and understand each word you say. When you run on yell "Let's go", "Go Wildcats", "We're number 1", "Go PHS", etc. Just don't yell "Woo", the judges hate this.

-A homeless man received new teeth for yelling "Woo!" a bunch for the Chicago Cubs, though the fact that a black, unemployed man received free new teeth did seem to inexplicably piss the living hell out of all the drunk, rich, racist white men in the stands at the time. However, the white men eventually managed to calm themselves down by whining about how Steve Bartman and some random farm animals destroyed their dreams, while failing to admit the fact that their loser team is simply full of chokers who would have gacked it before the end anyway.

-Drunken morons apparently drop their pants and yell "Woo!" frequently for comedian Dave Attell on Insomniac.

-A disturbing website run by one fairly hostile "Skankin' Jill" has a very top title of "About me, everybody jump up and down and yell "WOO!" The evidence of loads of mopey poetry and another page with the top title of "mary had a little lamb, and it's [sic] fleece was white as cocaine" leads experts to believe that Skankin' Jill desperately wishes to break free of the oppressive cloak of Woo that envelops her.

-Kevin Foster and others compete for Team Woo in what appears to be a softball league. ARN&R has not received word on whether either Team Woo will attempt to sue the other for stealing their name.

-And, finally, even that guy who has the website with the weird monkey things-- who sing "We Like the Moon" and have recently migrated into Quizno's commercials-- confesses that "I make stupid stuff, and I jump around shouting "WOO!" mainly."

ARN&R plans to keep its readers abreast of further disturbing developments in the spread of the nefarious Woo plague.

--JCK