Friday, July 02, 2004

ARN&R Editor-in-Chief Incredibly Frustrated by Lovely Visit to Dutch Wonderland

In what was widely described as a "stunning failure," ARN&R's editor-in-chief was utterly unable to come up with a single subject to mock in a six-plus-hour visit to Pennsylvania's Dutch Wonderland amusement park.

"I went in rested and ready to mock," said the Grand Poobah. "I had my eyes out for enthusiasts trying to get on [junior coaster] Joust, for some dork complaining about the program being run on the Frog Hopper, or for theme park mentality -- maybe trims on the Sky Princess. But there was nothing! Just a pleasant day at the park!"

Sources indicate that the editor-in-chief has previously participated in a lively competition to discover how quickly one could reach a boiling-over hatred of every single person in an amusement park, with the current confirmed record standing at six minutes. Despite his expectation to at least tie the previous record, the editor-in-chief was instead left muttering at the end of the day that he actually rather liked virtually all of the people at the park. "I didn't see a single obvious ACEr wolfing down slice after slice of pizza, nor any incredibly annoying people smoking in line or throwing garbage all over the place. The employees, while at times perhaps a bit bored, were generally incredibly pleasant and responsive."

"Damn," he added.

Inside ARN&R sources indicate that the grumpy editor expects to balance things out with a brief visit to Six Flags America, where feces-covered bathrooms and openly hostile employees should restore him to his usual state of irritation.