Sunday, April 17, 2005

Mr. Six Loses Control

Agawam, Massachusetts - Sad news this weekend from Six Flags New England. Mr. Six, the delightful geriatric from the commercials that gave the Vengaboys their first and last hit song, has suffered a massive case of fecal incontinence. The Six Flags corporate mascot was taking his inaugural spin on his new attraction, Mr. Six's Pandemonium, when his bowels failed.


Just before the incident

One anonymous park employee said, "It was pretty sick. His diarrhea was flying all over the area. It hit several media day guests in the face as the fecal matter flew far and wide." One ACE member was seen collecting the crap for his coaster memorabilia collection.

Six was taken to a local hospital, where he required a diaper as he fitfully slept through the night. Doctors have yet to determine why the aged man reacted so violently to a spinning roller coaster, but the West Springfield Hospital betting pool has the best odds on a rare STD. One doctor commented, "That ride really scared the shit out of him. Get it?" The doctor then proceeded to laugh hysterically.

Six Flags New England employees have yet to comment in detail on the travesty. Park spokesman Tim Hollander issued press release that simply read, "Everyone at Six Flags New England is sorry that Mr. Six suffered such a gastronomic failure during his visit. But we feel our long lines, unkempt midways and filthy bathrooms will stand as a testament to the kind of fun he offered people of all ages."

The park will be running only one car on Pandemonium in Mr. Six's honor.

--OAC