Sunday, April 24, 2005

No Animals Were Harmed During the Making of This Website

We recently received the following email at Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors World Corporate Headquarters:

I was startled to learn you guys have branched out into a new business. I didn't realize you were animal lovers. Although I could imagine JCK being an animal lover in a very disturbing (and probably illegal) way. Good luck with the new venture.

Included was a link to absolutelyreliablecatsitting.com, a major corporate branch of ARN&R dedicated to cat home care services in the greater Seattle region.

First of all, while we appreciate the words of support, it is technically not correct to refer to this endeavor as a "new venture" for ARN&R. Many people unfortunately do not realize that we have already been a major player in the pet sitting business for some time, as we opened a highly profitable operation in this lucrative field back in November. Of course, our improved pet care website does mark a new, more profound, and potentially world-economy-dominating upgrade to ARN&R's previous efforts in the pet sitting realm.

Secondly, we must address the more disturbing parts of this correspondence, namely the implied charges of pet molestation by JCK. These accusations were quite shocking and horrifying, enough so that JCK himself felt a rare obligation to defend himself against the damning charges:

I am totally innocent of these charges. I never did anything wrong or engaged in inappropriate behavior with those animals. We played on amusement rides at the Absolutely Reliable Ranch. We climbed trees and read stories. I served them warm milk and cookies in bed. It was sweet. It was innocent, wholesome fun. It was not a bad thing, no matter what Martin Bashir says.

ARN&R will, of course, keep you posted on any further developments regarding the exciting expansion of ARN&R's pet sitting services.

--JCK