Friday, September 02, 2005

AFI Hastily Revises Greatest Movies List

Admitting that it had "totally f*cked up," the American Film Institute (AFI) released a statement today indicating that it had "colossally blundered" in making its famous America's 100 Greatest Movies list at the end of the past century.

The statement further said that the AFI had actually taken the monumental step of correcting its errors by revising the entire list. A copy of this new and improved AFI 100 Greatest Movies list was immediately made available to the public following the announcement.

The AFI made the bold step of changing its movie picks after AFI board member Thaddeus Swenson, surfing randomly through Your Movie Database, came across the top twenty movie picks by a former American Coaster Enthusiasts Regional Rep. "My jaw dropped when I saw his list," the board member told ARN&R. "Somehow, we had just completely forgotten about timeless classics such Contact, Spies Like Us, and The Phantom Menace. We're such assholes."

"In particular, for us to completely ignored the majestic oeuvre of Weird Al Yankovic was unconscionable," Swenson added, hanging his head in abject shame.

After a hasty meeting was called, AFI officials decided the only correct thing to do was to revise the whole list and admit its mistakes. "If we'd just messed up and let Kids in the Hall slip through our fingers, it would have been okay," said Swenson. "After all, we did put that saccharine pile of shit E.T. and that unwatchable garbage Dances With Wolves on the original list. But this ACE member's list reminded us that we had forgotten about many of mankind's greatest works of culture when we compiled ours, and we felt that we had to do the right thing by announcing a new list, even at the cost of this public relations nightmare."

The new list will feature Yankovic's masterpiece UHF as its number one choice. Following that will be the critically acclaimed Rollercoaster, which Svenson acknowledged as being both "influential to all movies that have come afterward" and "having a young Helen Hunt in it." Several of the ACE member's other choices were slotted into the list further down, though these films caused a great deal of soul searching amongst the board members at AFI.

"It's obvious to any chattering simian that Psycho is exactly one movie better than Chinatown," said Swenson, "and that The Treasure of the Sierra Madre is exactly two movies better than The Godfather, Part II. But is Spies Like Us better than Citizen Kane? Or maybe it's not as good as Citizen Kane but a little better than On the Waterfront? Oh, it was so very difficult."

According to unverified sources, the former ACE regional rep will be appointed as AFI President as soon as this weekend, in order that his "standards of taste" can be applied to all future AFI activities.

--JCK