Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Amusement Ride Enthusiast Disgusted by Amusement Ride

In an event that experts are calling "shocking" and "unprecedented," amusement park and ride enthusiast Kirk James, 33, was positively revolted by the sight of an amusement ride. The offending ride in question was the London Eye, the massive Ferris wheel erected for the Millennium celebration along London's Thames River Embankment.

James admitted that he himself was surprised by his feelings of disgust at the ride. "It was pretty unexpected," he said. "I love amusement parks and the rides in them. I take pictures of coasters, especially wood ones. And I'm always thinking of how an area without amusement park rides could benefit from them. For instance, in theory it would be cool to have a big ride along the Embankment. But in reality, it isn't cool. It sucks."

James went on to note that as he and his girlfriend were walking down the Embankment, they were having a wonderful time sightseeing until "this hideous thing" popped into view.


The London Eye: Hideous Thing or Abomination?

"It's absolutely horrid," said James. "It completely blocks the view of the lovely Saatchi Gallery, it distracts you from any of the surrounding historic buildings like the Houses of Parliament, St. Paul's, and National Theatre, and its a frickin' eyesore. It doesn't fit with the rest of the area at all; it just sticks out like a giant sore thumb, a thumb with an open, seeping, festering, pus-covered wound that's really gross and contagious. I hated the thing!"

According to witnesses, James also described the Eye, at various times over the past few days, as "rubbish," "bullshit," "a tacky piece of shit," "an abomination," "a worthless monstrosity," and "an eye-f*cking atrocity."

James stated that he adores amusement rides, and had never once in all his years been annoyed or vexed by the placement of one in any location, which was why his savagely hateful feelings about the Eye deeply confused and puzzled him.

"This behavior of Kirk's is pretty astonishing," admitted his girlfriend. "I mean, I've actually see him pet a damn coaster car after he had a particularly good ride. He's taken me to the locations where Palisades Park and Savin Rock used to be and given me long orations about what rides were where and what a tragedy it is that there are condos and restaurants there instead now. And he freely confessed to me, without any prompting, that he got kind of misty-eyed when he actually got to see Leap the Dips operating after being something called 'SBNO' for years. He would have an amusement park in every town if he had his way. That's why I'm really kind of confused why the Eye bugged him so damn much."

--JCK