Friday, December 23, 2005

The Official 2005 ARN&R Last-Minute Shopping Guide

You lazy bastards. You haven't finished your holiday shopping yet, have you? Fortunately for you, we have prepared a quick and easy list of superb amusement park-related gifts that every coaster enthusiast will be sure to love. And if you're still stumped after reading this year's gift guide, naturally you can always visit one of our past ones or get your chums a "Your Favorite Coaster Sucks" t-shirt from our online store. Without further ado, we present the Official 2005 ARN&R Last-Minute Shopping Guide:

1. Painfully Unfunny Video

Every enthusiast will love "Donna Does Canobie," a CoasterCon Video Contest-winning film that consists of sped-up footage of a woman walking around an amusement park, walking into public restrooms, and possibly flashing a roller coaster. New Englanders know there's nothing more hilarious on the entire planet than seeing people walk into public restrooms. For co-workers or casual acquaintances, just download the punishingly non-amusing free clip and forward it to them; for favorite relatives or that new special f*ckpuppet in your life, show you really care with a gift of the entire DVD, where, for a mere ten dollars, you can bear witness to even more knee-slapping footage of a woman entering bathrooms and walking around fast. Film buffs always recommend the widescreen format since this format recreates the director’s original cinematic vision and level of artistry far better than pan-and-scan.

2. Coaster Zombie Postage Stamps

With these lovely coaster stamps, you can say it loud and proud that you're a Coaster Zombie. At the low price of 17 dollars a pack, you can send piles of these to your closest friends and keep a few for yourself, so you can add that distinctive flourish to any other coaster-related packages you're shipping out to the unsuspecting. Don't be the loser who doesn't have Coaster Zombie stamps this season; be the loser who does have them.

3. Tasteful Coaster Merchandise

Roller Coaster World has a massive array of tasteful and gorgeous coaster-themed merchandise that will be a perfect fit for any room of the house. Sadly, the splendid snow globes are currently sold out, but perhaps if enough people beg, Roller Coaster World will produce a new line and satisfy the coaster snow globe craving that every homeowner has. Fortunately, there are still not-at-all-tacky Christmas ornaments and other upscale home furnishings still available.

4. ACE Clothing

There's nothing that'll get you rolling in the tang like official American Coaster Enthusiasts apparel. Watch the girls and guys scream and fling themselves at you, crying and whimpering for hot action when they see that ACE logo on your zip nylon packaway jacket and brushed twill visor. Effectively, any of these products costs sixty dollars plus whatever its actual purchase amount is, since you'll have to join the club in order to be allowed to buy it. But when you see that your hard-earned cash goes to such things as the ultra-professional ACE General Store webpage, designed by the finest and most expensive howler monkeys, you'll be buying everything ACE offers just so they keep up the great work. As for the sexy ACE polar fleece pullover, don't forget that there is a "[l]imited stock avialable [sic] so get you [sic] size while you can!"

5. Your Very Own Extremely Gullible Coaster Forum

It's one of the more unusual gifts you could give, but its very uniqueness will show the recipient how much you care. Present that special someone with his or her very own extremely gullible coaster forum. There's nothing that's more satisfying than having an eager group of twelve-year-olds believe absolutely everything you tell them. For a great stocking stuffer, just register some domain name like Coasterbitches.org, then set up a crappy entry-level Bravenet forum and write some topics like "Nu Underwater Launched Wud Coaster 4 Sesumee Wrld!!!!!" Then hand it over to the gift recipient and let them have some fun. Of course, if you're a big spender and want to give that special someone a diamond-level present, you could buy an actual established website with an already-functioning message board. The disadvantage is that this will cost plenty of money; the advantage is that you can read these currently-functioning message boards and get a good idea of which ones are already laden with a built-in group of very gullible people. Thrillnetwork might be a good one to start with.

6. Enormous Tub of Vaseline

Self-explanatory.

--JCK