Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Insurrection Quelled

In what political experts say was only a matter of time, the tyrannical rule of new ARN&R despot JCK was tested with armed insurrection. Fanatical supporters of the old Grand Poobah's regime, unhappy with the excesses enacted by the new leadership, attempted to storm the ARN&R Towers last night.

In office since February 21st, JCK has angered military and political cronies at the Towers by hogging all the hot tub time with Jessica Alba, claims senior political correspondent Patrick Hastings. "The support of these powerful figures was important for his survival as High Admiral and Supreme Master of Space, Time, and Infinity, as he likes to call himself," says Hastings.

"He obviously doesn't have the support of the people, due to the way he taunts enthusiasts and awesome parks like Frontier City and Quassy," he says, "but none of the staff at ARN&R have the support of the people for the same reasons. And the only way to quell the protests of an unsupportive population that feels like it is being repressed to have potent allies."

"It' pretty greedy not to let FMB and MOS have a few minutes in the tub, don't you think?" he adds.

Although the insurrection gained initial success penetrating the security systems at the tower (this consisted, says military historian J. Miles Freebish, of gently stepping over a loudly snoring cocker spaniel named Sir Benjamin), they were too disorganized to defeat the red-armored Royal Guards at JCK's disposal. "That's it! Twice as many stories about enthusiasts masturbating!" screamed a crazed JCK at a news conference, as he banged away on his podium with his shoe.

--JCK