Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Goliath Event Conquers Davids

Earlier this month, Six Flags Over Georgia hosted a dramatic event to promote the park's new signature attraction, the B&M hypercoaster Goliath. During the event, a public contest was held to locate people who looked like "Famous Davids;" those entrants who were determined to be the best look-alike for a well-known David would receive first rides on the coaster as part of the Media Day festivities. By all accounts, the event was a great success.

That was until scandal struck today, when a group of disgruntled contest entrants made major allegations that Six Flags Over Georgia grossly mishandled the "Famous Davids" promotion.

"I entered the contest as David Hasselhoff," said the group's spokesman, David Hasselhoff. "Obviously, anyone can see that I am the most striking look-alike for any major celebrity named David, and I should have not only won, but been granted the front seat as well. But those pricks said that David Hasselhoff isn't a famous enough celebrity and that he sucks anyway, so I was disqualified despite my excellent costume."

Hasselhoff stated that he had beautifully sung his renowned song line "talking 'bout freedom" to remind the contest promoters of how he had helped bring down the Berlin Wall, given away some free tickets to the next Knight Rider convention, oiled his naked body and posed seductively with some puppies, but none of these actions had convinced the organizers that David Hasselhoff was famous enough to be worth having his look-alike get an inaugural ride on a new coaster. Hasselhoff was also denied the opportunity to punch some women in order to show how well-known he is.

Others were equally as unfortunate. The failure of actor David Arquette to win a place on the Media Day coaster rides was particularly galling, as he had been the guest of honor for opening rides on a previous Goliath coaster at another Six Flags park. Despite Arquette's plaintive wails, the contest organizers flatly refused to consider his entry, stating that David Arquette wasn't nearly a famous enough David to imitate, and that Arquette didn't look that much like him anyway. One also added that if Six Flags Over Georgia had a retarded chimpanzee look-alike competition in the future, Arquette would be the first to know.

"I can understand why David and David wouldn't win the contest," said singer David Cassidy. "After all, maybe there was some technicality like a famous David can't go as himself. That wouldn't be fair, after all. I mean, no matter how much a guy drools on himself, scratches his scrotum in public, and flings his poo against the wall, he can't do it in quite the same way as David Arquette himself. But me, I have no idea why I was disqualified. I entered as David Beckham, so that certainly should have been acceptable. I think it was rigged."

Six Flags Over Georgia officials told ARN&R that they stand by their contest results, and that they have no further comment.

--JCK