Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Enthusiast Fails To Find Hot Chicks From Amusement Park Television Shows

After an exhaustive amusement park road trip that required months of planning and cost thousands of dollars, a Bilford, South Carolina coaster enthusiast has failed in his quest to find even one of the attractive females featured prominently in televised theme park specials.

Speaking via telephone from his parent’s basement, Andy Staley discussed his failed quest with ARN&R. “I thought this was going to be a cakewalk,” said Staley between spoonfuls of Cool Whip. “It seemed like such a foolproof plan. Six weeks, sixteen parks, and what I assumed was all the trim I could handle.”

Staley assumed that his encyclopedic knowledge of coasters and parks would all but guarantee some form of sexual contact with the scores of fetching lasses who have been a staple of televised park specials for years. “I was going to approach each one like I’d never seen them before, and then slowly turn the topic of discussion to coasters and rides. By the time I’d gotten on the subject of how Psyclone was never the same after the Northridge earthquake, or how the Pepper’s Ghost illusion works at the Haunted Mansion, they’d have their panties in a flood.”

The plan ran into trouble almost immediately at Wild Adventures in Valdosta, Georgia. “The only chicks I saw were so obese, most of them couldn’t even fit into the Hangman’s test chair,” Staley said. “Then I got roughed up in the parking lot by a pair of male cheerleaders.”

Sadly, this was the high point of Staley’s two month excursion. He was ejected from Kings Island for taking “liberties” with a Dance Dance Revolution machine, and, due to information gleaned from a questionable website, visited the Mall of America to experience Paisley Park. And all the while, there was nary a smoking hot tomato in sight.

“At Magic Mountain, there was no sign of Lara, the tantalizing little minx who would hyperventilate after riding Déjà vu from Ultimate Rollercoasters,” Staley sighed. “I never saw Caitlin, that winsome redhead who would stare at Dorney Park’s Steel Force like she did in Awesome Amusements Volume 3. And despite what’s shown in America’s Fastest Thrills, I’m starting to doubt the existence of Masha, the Latvian blonde with the big jacks who says that Kingda Ka makes her ‘all tickly’ inside.”

Staley plans to spend the off-season masturbating furiously to his videotaped collection of televised coaster specials, before finding a new outlet for his passion in the spring. “I figure I’ll start stalking Robb Alvey,” he said. “At least he tells you on his website exactly where he’s going to be.”

--CMV