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(Freaks.)

ARN&R Attempts to Care About Tidal Wave Removal, Fails

Major US news sources report today that ARN&R doesn't really care very much at all that Paramount's Great America's Tidal Wave, a Schwarzkopf shuttle loop coaster, is being removed from the park. This despite being repeatedly notified by sources and alert readers of the website that the ride was endangered.

"We actually had the scoop on this," reported ARN&R's Editor-in-Chief and Grand Almighty Master. "We received word from a concerned citizen a couple weeks ago that Tidal Force was going to be demolished. We actually had the news ready to break days before anyone else would confirm it, but we sort of, I don't know, didn't get around to it. I mean, it's an 25-year-old shuttle loop, for Pete's sake. It's hard for ARN&R to put the same sort of concern into this as we would for a real coaster like Twister being knocked down. Well, now the removal of Tidal Wave is listed at Screamscape, so we lost our exclusive feature. Darn."

Other representatives of ARN&R were equally unresponsive to the bleak news of the coaster's death. "Why are people even bothering to let us know about this sort of thing?" asked correspondent RAS. "First of all, this must mean someone still thinks this site posts actual news and rumors. Oh boy. Even worse is why, even if we did write actual news, we'd bother sending anyone to cover this anyway."

Added correspondent JCK, "I am desperately attempting to muster up some concern for the removal of Tidal Wave. Uh...um....er.....uh.....nope. Sorry. I actually don't give a rat's ass."

The luxurious Absolutelyreliable staff offices then erupted into fisticuffs over which writer would be forced to write a report on the sad, tragic demise of one of the world's greatest roller coasters. Reportedly, correspondent JCK lost the fight when hit in the face with an auctioned Yankee Cannonball chain dog, after which he grudgingly agreed to feign concern about never getting to ride Tidal Wave. JCK refuses to confirm such speculation, however.

--JCK

Busch Gardens Tampa Apologizes to Celebrity Pair

The president of Busch Gardens Tampa says he is sorry for making Catherine Zeta-Jones feel bad with the unauthorized onride photos taken of the actress and husband Michael Douglas in 2000.

Ed Sanchez took the stand in London’s High Court yesterday as part of his legal battle with the actress, and issued an apology for the offense and distress he had caused Zeta-Jones and Douglas. However, Sanchez stood by the use of the photos, and called the multi-million dollar lawsuit filed by the pair “pretty over the top.”

During court proceedings last week, Zeta-Jones claimed that the onride Montu photos were of poor quality and were unflattering to her. “The quality was what every theme park visitor would dread,” she stated. “It was cheap and tacky, and it made my ass look huge. I didn’t know the cameras were even there. I have undergone devastating damage and stress over these horrid pictures, and the harm to my career is monumental.”

Douglas added that “Busch Gardens is well aware that Catherine and I have an exclusive relationship with Cedar Fair parks, and only those parks can take photos of us squealing like stuck pigs on roller coasters. Busch took those photos illegally and with an intent to spite us.”

“I am apologetic for any trouble these photos caused Ms. Zeta-Jones,” said Sanchez. “However, we did nothing illegal or untoward, and are certain we will win the case. For one, she can’t really accuse us of making her ass look huge since she’s sitting on the thing in all these pictures. More importantly, the two of them can hardly claim they were unaware of being photographed, since they are grabbing their crotches, sticking their tongues out, and flipping the bird at the camera in each and every shot we have of them.”

--JCK

Couple Divorced on Coaster

History was made this past weekend, as what is believed to be the first on-coaster divorce took place at Six Flags Magic Mountain. The unhappy couple, Elana Hoffman, 30, and Lawrence Mullet, 35, dissolved their vows at 3:45 PM this past Saturday on the park’s Colossus racing coaster.

Said enthusiast Mike Falkowski, 29, “every darn week some couple thinks it’s cute and oh-so-original to have a wedding on a roller coaster, and it always means I get stuck waiting in line for the morons to get finished with their vows, the ceremonial ride, and the bouquet and/or cookie tossing. I’ve had to wait for stupid people to wed on Kraken, Raptor, Nitro, and Giant Dipper this year already. Enough! It isn’t unique and cool, and it’s damn sure not Xtreme, okay?”

When it was pointed out to Falkowski that the couple on Colossus was formalizing a divorce rather than getting married, Falkowski yelled “yeah! Now that I can wait in line for!”

The ceremony took place with great fanfare, as the opposing parties marched in to the Colossus station under colorful banners to the pumping sounds of Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” and Guns ‘n’ Roses’s “Used to Love Her.” The non-bride and her group sat on the train on the left side of the station, while the non-groom and his group took the right. The lead car of each train featured a future non-spouse and three lawyers, while the remainder of the trains consisted of friends of the two divorcees. Mullet’s train was filled to the rim with large, drunken former frat buddies, while Hoffman’s featured only six catty girlfriends and family members. The divorce became official once the trains diverged and swooped around the far turnarounds of Colossus.

ARN&R was able to gain exclusive interviews with both members of the non-couple while the ride was in progress. According to Mullet, “man, this will be a weight off my shoulders. That little tramp is the most manipulative bitch on the entire planet. She lies constantly, spends all my money on shoes, and has no sense of personal hygiene. She’s also a slut…I’ve caught her sleeping around on me at least five different times, and she gave me a vicious case of herpes that’s flaring up right as we speak. Good riddance to that whore.”

Mullet then added, “Whheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

Retorted Hoffman, “my former husband is a complete lazy slob. He leaves clothes around, pees all over the bathroom floor, and hangs out drinking with his idiot friends. He’s just a stupid Nebraska hick who can’t hold a conversation. And I only found companionship with other men and women because he’s terrible in bed. He couldn’t even get it up most of the time. He also gets way too angry…I apologized at least two or three times for giving him herpes and the clap, but he just wouldn’t let it go. Damn, this coaster is slow! And who do I have to screw to get some airtime?”

The race back to the station for first place became one of great importance, with passengers in both trains taunting each other and making whipping motions at their Morgan trains in an effort to speed them along. Mullet’s train proved victorious, although Hoffman pointed out that “all the extra weight on his side couldn’t have hurt.”

“This has been a traumatic experience for all people involved,” stated Mullet’s primary lawyer, Anna Jetter. "All the acrimony, the vicious squabbling over money and blame…we all figured marking the end of a very unsuccessful marriage with a special ceremony was appropriate. Particularly if that ceremony enabled me to rack up as many new coaster credits as this park does!”

In what may be step up in the battle for theme park supremacy, Islands of Adventure has already stated that Magic Mountain’s coaster divorce was a feeble publicity stunt. Says IOA rep Sandy Pak, “we’re going to show how a coaster divorce is really done. Ours will be a true media event. The actual divorce case will be handled by the really rude talking fountain in the Lost Continent. Then the bickering couple will board the coaster. Instead of using a racing coaster, we will put our celebrants on Dueling Dragons…the divorce becomes final when the trains separate right after the lift, then the divorce parties can amuse themselves yelling insults, giving the finger, and spitting at each other as the trains go through their dueling elements. Jerry Springer will host the event on live TV.”

The Magic Mountain divorce was protested by a group of ACE members, who demanded that Colossus be run as an actual racer all the time, instead of just for special divorce celebrations. Reports that Six Flags officials leaned out their windows and threw urine upon the protesters have not been confirmed at this time.

--JCK

Michael Jackson Under Fire Again

Already embroiled in controversy ever since the startling documentary on his life was aired February 7th by 20/20, Michael Jackson faced new damning accusations today from amusement experts around the nation.

“I was initially shocked by all that stuff about Michael sleeping in the same bed as little kids, getting all that plastic surgery, and making his kids wear masks all the time,” said Kansas enthusiast Ned Henry. “Then, when I saw the replay of the whole interview this weekend on VH1, I noticed something I’d overlooked…something even more terrible and depressing. Neverland is a really crummy park.”

“How can the mystique of Neverland be maintained after the public has viewed what is basically a miniature showroom of ancient Chance rides?” asked Oregon enthusiast Bill Dunworthy. “Here we all were, thinking that, along with Stricker’s Grove, Neverland would be the one Grail most enthusiasts could never attain. We dreamed, we fantasized, we hoped one day we might get a glimpse of the Promised Land. What a disappointment. That place has less to do than Quassy.”

Initial allegations of the lack of Neverland’s quality as a first-rate park were first made by Vernon Kindle, 12, who had spent a weekend at Jackson’s Ranch last year. “Michael said there were so many fun things to do, but all he had were some swings and a carousel and a Zipper. He must really like that one, though. He kept telling us we should ‘ride on his Zipper’ over and over, but it wasn’t that fun. He told some kids that the Happy Bouncy Bedtastic Funtime Ride was the best, but my parents took me home before I could do that one. I bet it wasn’t that great, either.”

Said Tocelyn Callahan of Texas, “it’s bad enough that he only has a bare minimum of rides, but the way they are run is atrocious. If you rewind the tape and watch the footage of the swinging ship, you can tell it’s on the lamest, most wimpy program imaginable. The versions at Coney Island and Indiana Beach flip up so that the ends of the boat are aimed straight down; Michael’s barely gets past the horizontal. He’s apparently the Prince of Chickens, too. Flat ride enthusiasts won’t be lining up to give their hard-earned cash to Neverland, I’ll tell you that much.”

Journalist Martin Bashir, who interviewed Jackson for the documentary, stated “I was honestly more concerned with Micahel’s disturbing relations with children, both his own and those who stay at the Ranch in his bed. But, now that you mention it, I was pretty disappointed in the rides, too. The swings were slow, the Zipper was pretty creaky and didn’t flip as well as the one at LeSourdsville, and I was kind of hoping the carousel would have something neat like a goat or a lion for me to ride on, but it didn’t. Michael kept saying that he wanted to get a roller coaster, but that won’t help me any, because he didn’t have one when I was doing the interview. I suppose I can pretty much assume I won’t be invited back anytime soon, so I guess I’ll miss out if he actually gets any rides that don’t suck ass.”

Jackson has issued a statement protesting Bashir’s comments, saying “today I feel more betrayed than perhaps ever before; that someone could sacrifice the trust I placed in him and make these terrible and unfair comments. Everyone who knows me knows the truth, and that is that the swings are very fast and the Zipper was sluggish only due to the weather. And I swear to you that the Pharaoh’s Fury ride is normally much more thrilling, but Martin insisted we put it on a mild setting so he wouldn’t get sick, then twisted the situation against me to taint my good name.”

Weeping uncontrollably, Jackson wailed that “the bad man hurt me, the bad man hurt me,” before running to curl up in a fetal position inside his oxygen tent with a tame family of marmots wearing berets.

--JCK

Hell Freezes Over

Breaking News

To the surprise of scientists and citizens of Earth, Hell literally froze over Thursday morning. The Netherworld has been plunged into utter chaos by this sudden shocking turn of events.

“What the hell is going on here, so to speak?” asked an exasperated Satan, Master of All That Is Evil. “One minute, I’m dipping the Eternally Damned in hot oil and plunging flaming knives into the flesh of the condemned, then suddenly it’s 5 below zero and I’m getting run over by all these snowboarders. Little punks!”

After pausing for a sip of frozen Margarita from the hollowed-out thigh of Osama bin Laden, the Beast of Lies added, “I’ve got a trick knee and I can’t ski. And it’ll be 50 years before that nasty Tara Lipinski twit joins us down here, so learning the Quad Axle is pretty much out. What’s a fiery Dark Lord to do?”

“Our entire infrastructure is just screwed,” lamented Pamela Anderson, the Grinning She-Swine Bride of Satan. “Beelzie was just readying the torture racks for the eventual arrival of Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms. We were going to pan-roast Strom in his own juices and serve him with root vegetables and a cilantro garnish. And we were warming the pokers up to blue-hot for Jessie’s orifices. Now what the hell are we supposed to do? Hit them with snowballs? Make them watch Out Cold and Jack Frost? Frost-brew them to lock in flavor? We’ve got a lot of work to do.”

In completely unrelated news, products were actually purchased from the Ye Olde Absolutelyreliable Online Shoppe last night.

[Editor’s Note: Don’t let Satan’s filthy minions braise you in your own gravy or force you to watch Snow Dogs for eternity. Grab yourself a comfy T-shirt or bumper sticker at the Shoppe now!]

--JCK

Bush Insults French Coasters

The air has been thick with insult these days, as the United States piles pressure and scorn on its reluctant ally France to support an attack against Iraq. U.S. officials have not been particularly diplomatic. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld called France a part of "old Europe" and said its opposition to emergency NATO measures to boost Turkey's defenses is a disgrace.

Today, President Bush stepped up this battle of words with France by insulting its roller coasters. “These cheese-mongering Saddam-lovers don’t want to bomb Iraq into oblivionation simply because they are cowards,” said Bush. “Also, their coasters are inferior to good old-fashioned American coasters. We invented roller coasters, and ours are better. That Tonnere de Zeus is overratedanous, Space Mountain is a joke, and I’d love to knock Gouderix over and drill for oil where it used to stand.”

French President Jacques Chirac responded that “Mister Bush should check his facts. In France, we created a full-circuit coaster and grew bored with its insipidness decades before the United States had its ridiculous Mauch Chunk railway. And before this gauche redneck criticizes our rides, he should examine who designed them. A filthy American pig-dog company called CCI made Tonnerre de Zeus. Tell Mister Bush to go ride Paramount Great America’s Grizzly and we will then discuss who has the stupid rides.”

Bush remained unswayed by the backlash he appears to be generating in France. “I got three words for ya,” Bush proclaimed. “Maginot Line.”

--JCK

Eastcoaster Ruined By Hot Chick

Numerous members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts were looking forward to this year’s Eastcoaster event at the Holiday Inn and Conference Center in Fogelsville, Pennsylvania. Although this mid-winter event features no actual coaster riding, the combination of park presentations, videos, and, of course, free food, makes this a popular annual tradition. According to numerous sources close to ARN&R, however, this year’s Eastcoaster was “completely ruined” by the presence of a hot chick.

Witnesses say the hot chick was a “huge distraction.” Says Kevin Carlyle, 38, “she walked in and the whole place just shut down. These three guys knocked over two sales tables because they snapped their necks around so hard to look at the hot chick. All the guys were stammering and dropping things any time she got within twelve feet. Everyone kept dribbling chili all over their shirts because they couldn’t focus on anything else. We just aren’t used to seeing righteous babes like this at an ACE event.”

The hot chick has been identified as Kelly Kvandal, 24, an actress from New York City. She has ridden 67 roller coasters in her four years as an enthusiast, and, according to sources who were making feeble attempts to hit on her, appears not to have a boyfriend. Experts in the field of sexy babes inform ARN&R that Kvandal has blue eyes, very dark straight hair, and a body reminiscent of Alyssa Milano’s.

Tim Stafford, 17, notes that “we'd never had a 'ten' show up to a coaster gathering before. There was this reasonably cute chick that all of us followed around like pathetic puppy dogs for years, but she showed up at a park event last year with a rock the size of Gibraltar on her finger, so we basically gave up on ever getting any play with hot coaster babes. Then this sweet-ass girl came to Eastcoaster. I’m in love all over again, dude.”

Psychologist Janice Tarter claims that this sort of behavior is unavoidable. “We call this the ‘Attractive Woman Appearing at a Sausagefest Paradigm.’ None of these guys have ever before met such a hot chick that also likes coasters. Actually, now that I think about it, most of them have never once spoken to any girls anywhere else, either. It confuses them, and they act like what we in the psychology field call ‘imbeciles.’ Each and every one of the fourteen straight males at this conference of two hundred enthusiasts made a pathetic attempt to hit on this poor young lady. It’s disgraceful.”

According to male ACE members, none of the following pick-up lines proved remotely successful in convincing Kvandal to engage in sexual acts of any sort:

-I’ve got a woody that’s sure to make your top five.
-That ACE jacket looks real nice on you. It would look even better balled up on the floor next to the stained mattress in front of my Playstation.
-I can give you more airtime than the Phoenix, baby.
-My mom isn’t home right now…
-You don’t need a ThrustAir; you’ve got a ThrustScott right here.
-Exclusive Ride Time? Come out to my ’76 Chevy Vega in the parking lot and I’ll give you five
minutes of it right there.
-How bout you come back to my room and I make your timbers shiver?
-Busch Gardens named the Python after me, sweetcakes.
-Hey, toots. Wanna try out Todd: The Ride?
-Come over here and be my individual ratcheting lapbar.

As a public service announcement, the ARN&R staff speculates that these lines may prove ineffectual during attempts to seduce attractive women, and recommends that enthusiasts avoid making use of them in the future.

--JCK

New Coaster Coasters To Be Unveiled

Revel Custom Imprints has announced a new line of products called Coaster Beverage Coasters. According to a company brochure, “these coasters will feature coasters from classic wooden coasters to steel mega giant coasters and will protect any surface from condensation rings caused by cold drink beverages.”

"Our coaster coasters will feature designs of famous coasters from Anaconda to Zonga (formerly known as Thriller and/or Texas Tornado) and will hold beverages up to 32 ounces," states Revel's VP of Public Fulfillment Barbara Vanderhoffen. "Our soft coaster coasters are made from the same material as our mouse pads. If you are allergic to latex, beware. Our hard coaster coasters are made from hardboard or plastic."

Revel Custom Imprints, considered to be at the forefront of anti-condensation technology by leading moisture experts, has been creating custom imprint items for the past 13 days.

"I've ordered a whole set of Vekoma Coaster Coasters," claims enthusiast Brent Diddledoe. "They'll look fine next to my Schwarzkopf mini-magnets I ordered from Revel a few days ago."

"We are X-tremely X-cited by Revel's bold revelation of custom coaster coasters," states Six Flags spokesperson Mark Stephenson. "This can be yet another addition to the onride coaster photo selection we offer, along with keychains and picture frames. Imagine…owning your very own onride coaster coaster... er ... coaster."

--RAS

[Editor’s note: Don't forget about all the crap we have to offer at the ARN&R Online Shoppe. We may not have coaster coasters, but we’ve got bunches of Beast thongs and suet buffet bibs priced to move now.]

Coaster Odyssey Bathroom Fiend Finally Caught

Pealing church bells and shots from cannons punctuated the tremendous number of street celebrations led by enthusiastic ACE members today, as news was leaked that the infamous European Coaster Odyssey Bathroom Fiend was finally caught. INTERPOL officials used a battering ram to obtain entrance to a Paris hotel room occupied on vacation by Rhode Island ACE member Jason Maxwell, 45. According to American government officials, Maxwell will be brought to the United States for trial as early as the beginning of next week.

“This is a day that will long be remembered,” said ACE President Carole Sanderson. “After being affronted by this not-so-suave international villain the entire two-week trip, we will now have the chance to see justice done. No one should be allowed to make others sit in proximity to an odor so abominable it blisters paint and wilts nose hairs.”

ACE member Phil Wright told ARN&R a sad story of terror and woe echoed by most other enthusiasts interviewed. “Just imagine sitting on a bus with dozens of sweaty, minimally-washed enthusiasts, trekking from park to park. Bad enough, right? Now, try to picture what happens when some guy, whom we call The Bathroom Fiend, keeps slipping into the little bus bathroom to do number two. Let me assure you, when the air conditioning gives out and someone’s unleashed the gruesome toxic stench of three days of hot dogs, Mickey D’s, and Mueslix into a little tin can, it’s a horror worse than death.”

“I was always trying to cram one last ride in, which usually stuck me right at the back of that nasty bus when we left,” said Alice Templeton. “Some jerk just obliterated that little bathroom twice a day, and we never caught him. There are bathrooms in every park and hotel, and those have soap and fresh water, too. Why would anyone feel the need to leave the group just to come stink up our vehicle like it's a hog farm? I mean, it smelled like frickin’ Gary, Indiana back there!”

Maxwell may face serious charges in the United States once he comes before a judge. Said President George W. Bush, “we will not tolerate the possessionation of biological weapons, and Jason Maxwell’s use of more than three metric tons of methane agents means that he is a serious and deadlious figure that we must deal with harshly and with hasteness, to preventify others from imposing their smells upon lovers of freedom.”

When asked for comment, Maxwell refused to answer, except to say that he “meant to light a match.”

--JCK