Study: No One Cares About Coaster Club's Motto

The Florida Coaster Club (FLCC) has been going strong since 1998 and wants everyone to know that they "Ride All Year." However, recent studies indicate that no one cares. "I don't understand it," said club president Patrick Grozen. "Our shirts, our hats, even our bumper stickers say 'We Ride All Year.' But, barely anyone seems to pay attention to the fact that we live in a part of the country that has roller coasters open year-round."

After a careful study conducted by ARN&R personnel it is apparent that no one, be they enthusiast or not, cares what the FLCC does. "It was pretty apparent that everyone we talked to, from the typical unkempt, undersexed enthusiast to the 1% that are socially versatile, gave two shits about the FLCC members' riding habits," said Tim Teemer, ARN&R's head of statistical research. "The results went even lower once we included the general public in our poll. Apparently none of them understand who rides all year, or even where they do it. One of our respondents even suggested that they change their slogan to 'We suck all year,' but I didn't think that I should let club members know that factoid."

Retiree Adam Tosh felt more people should know about the quality coastering you can do in the Sunshine state during the dreaded "off season." After taking a long hit from his oxygen bottle Tosh said, "Down here I'm in the land of bridge, 4:00 dinner specials and year-round coastering. It doesn't get much better than that."

The club's teen sect showed hostility to the pollsters once the results were revealed at the FLCC's annual "Touch MeKraken" event at Sea World. "If you don't think riding Old Town's Dragon Wagon twenty times during a rain storm in February is hard core, you're insane," said 17 year-old Todd Johnson.

Grozen said that the club is currently working on a public relations campaign to make sure that people understand the benefits of riding all year. "How anyone can consider marathoning on the Starliner unimportant is beyond me. But, we are working to make sure that every coaster nut out there understands just how much better we are than them because of our riding opportunities." They hope to have a slogan chosen by IAAPA so they can show convention-goers how superior their coasting lifestyle is. "I know the people from B&M, Intamin, S&S and other companies really care about how often we ride their coasters," Grozen concluded.

--FMB

Wife of Corrupt ThrillNetwork Government Official Needs Your Help Releasing Funds from Foreign Bank

[Ed. Note: ARN&R received this urgent e-mail today and thought it would be best to share it with you, our loyal readers. Whomever among you follows the directions and becomes fabulously wealthy, we hope you'll at least spend some money in the ARN&R shop.]

CHUMA WILSON
ThrillNetwork Towers
Lagos, Nigeria
For The Attention of: OWNER / CHIEF EXECUTIVE
BUSINESS REQUEST

This is important, and requires your immediate attention! First, I must solicit your strictest confidence as you read this letter. Though this might come to you as a surprise since we have not met or spoken with each other before. I plead for your understanding and tender my humble apologies if I had taken you unaware.

My name is CHUMA WILSON, the wife of the chairman of the committee set up by the Federal Government of Nigeria to supervise the activities of the ThrillNetwork Trust Fund (TNTF), the agency that manages proceeds from the sale of ThrillNetwork Club memberships in my country. At the inception of the new democratic government in my country, the TNTF was ordered to wind up its operation to enable the new committee take over. What it did not know is that my husband was also part of the secretive ThrillNetwork government.

The former Chairman of the agency in the person of Major General Muhammed Buhari (Rtd.) was also retired. In its place a new committee in which my husband is a member was appointed to take over and oversee the activities of the agency. The duty of the committee amongst others includes verifying all outstanding contract claims and debts with the sole objective of settling such long overdue claims. My husband has asked that I assist in coordinating his efforts and I have decided to cut him out of the money, as he has been seen in compromising positions with what my tribe calls "coaster tools."

I therefore decided to contact you directly having gotten your name and company's information from a business handbook of your country I discovered in the former chairman's official study, which he left behind in his office. [Ed. Note: We think this is a reference to links found on Westcoaster.net.]

Going through some of the files left behind by the former chairman, we discovered that he has secured out of the Central Bank of Nigeria a forex release to the tune of US$25,500,000.00 for the payment of goods and services supplied by foreign contractors for the execution of ThrillNetwork Club Events and SpeedZone Bandwidth. He was caught in the web of trying to transfer the funds to a ghost company abroad when he was removed from office. In confidence, we know that the goods and services were not supplied -- especially that ERT promised from the ThrillNetwork Club -- but used his office to approve the payment in favour of a foreign firm with no fixed address.

He confided in me as a member of the new committee that he used his position to over invoice the contract. After his removal from office, this over invoiced amount is floating in the system and left unclaimed. He has therefore requested me to help look for a foreign company into whose account the funds will be transferred.

I am now soliciting for your cooperation to enable us process the transfer of the funds to your account. You should provide us your company's name or any other name as long as you will be able to receive the amount. It will be treated as one of the outstanding payments due to you on executed contract. We will take measure to duly register your company here in Nigeria to give it legitimacy. We need your company's name and account particulars to enable us file application for foreign exchange allocation order at the Federal Ministry of Finance. The moment we accomplish this, we will raise Contract Award Certificate in your company's name to show that a contract was actually awarded and executed by you. The nature of your business not withstanding.

For your participation and investing in this project, we are prepared to concede 25% of the total sum to you. On completion of the project, we will commit a substantial percentage of our share into investments in your country and we will direct you on how to repatriate the balance of our share.

This arrangement is known only to you and myself. Therefore, confidentiality should be our watchword. Don't tell my husband. If the above proposal meets your approval, please respond immediately. Endeavour to furnish me with your secured private telephone and fax line for easy reach.

REGARDS,
CHUMA WILSON
chuma@trustfund.thrillnetwork.net

Sakes alive, friends! You're going to be rich!

Enthusiasts Denied ERT at Music Theater

Hundreds of coaster enthusiasts were turned away in their bid for Exclusive Ride Time (ERT) at the Goodspeed Opera House, a historic musical theater in eastern Connecticut where coaster lovers mistakenly believed there to be high-tech thrill attractions.

The source of confusion appears to be a review, by critic Caroline McGuire of the Norwalk Free Republican-Democrat, of the current Goodspeed revival of Me and My Girl. Amongst various comments about the costumes, musical score, and acting range of the stars, the show was described as “an absolute roller coaster ride from start to finish.”

“How dare they lead us astray,” said Mark Price, 65. “The review clearly stated that there was a roller coaster here. This is untrue. In fact, there are no thrill rides at all. It’s just a little town with a river and this Victorian theater. And the landscape and interaction with the water would certainly have made this an ideal location for a terrain woodie.”

“Or, better yet, a hypercoaster. Preferably a 600-foot launched one,” he added thoughtfully.

Despite filing protest letters and bitching extensively over not being granted access to the hidden roller coaster, a handful of ACE members did decide to do some good for the group’s public relations, sticking around to take in the sights and sounds of the park despite the filthy lies about the alleged coaster on the property. Several reported that the park’s entertainment, specifically the musical, was “much better than the rock and roll show at Worlds of Fun or that Snoopy on Ice thing at Cedar Point.” The only further complaint about the park besides the lack of an advertised roller coaster was that the orchestra pit did not feature a viola.

ACE President Carol Sanderson has announced that throngs of enthusiasts plan to pout and whine insufferably when they are turned away form nonexistent roller coasters at showings of Hulk and Terminator 3, a variety of major league baseball games, and even the Lancashire Cricket Club, all of which have been falsely described in the recent past by reviewers as “roller coaster rides.”

--JCK

Mullet Proclaimed Official Hairstyle Of Kennywood Park

Jerome Gibas, vice-president and general manager of Kennywood Park, has proclaimed the mullet to be the official hairstyle of the 105-year-old traditional amusement park located in West Mifflin, Pennsylvania.

In an exclusive interview with ARN&R, Mr. Gibas revealed why Kennywood decided to magnify the mullet to "super-style" status.

"The mullet is very special to Pittsburgh area residents," stated Jerome. "What hairstyle could better exemplify the small town look and feel of a wonderful classic amusement park like Kennywood? Before we settled on the mullet, we had considered immortalizing other hairstyles, like the flattop or the kinky perm, but none of the others seemed to reach out to us the way that that the mullet did. The mullet is such an attractive and versatile haircut. It looks good on men. It looks good on women. Hell, it even looks good on children. We are truly honored to feature the mullet as the official hairstyle of Kennywood Park."

In celebration of Kennywood's official new "do," the park will feature "Mullet Mark Down Days" every Thursday in July and August. All guests wearing a mullet hairdo will get half-price admissions to the park on those days. As a bonus, any guest with a mullet and a rat-tail will get the half-price admission, plus they'll get a coupon good for half off the purchase of Kennywood's latest delicious snack bar confection, the deep fried chocolate covered white fudge macadamia nut brownie.

Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom is reportedly considering legal action to prevent Kennywood from advertising itself as the Mullet Capital of the Amusement World. According to sources, SFKK contends that such a claim would be false advertising given the daily volume and quality of mullets at that park.

UPDATE: Our top-secret news sources recently informed us that 2004 will be "The Year Of The Mullet" at Kennywood Park. There will be special mullet-related shows and events happening all season long like the "Mullet Madness Musical Revue" and "The 1st Annual Miss Mullet" competition. The most exciting news of all, however, is that Kennywood has contracted with the Sally Corporation to develop a new custom interactive dark ride called the "Mighty Amazing Mullet Ride." Passengers will be armed with "interactive scissors" and will attempt to cut their way through mountains of hair in an effort to sculpt the perfect mullet.

--JWS

ARN&R Exclusive: TTD to be Replaced

ARN&R has learned in an exclusive story that Cedar Point has decided to tear down its troubled Top Thrill Dragster launched coaster by the end of July. "Yep, a few weeks of downtime made us realize that it just wasn't worth the trouble," said Dick Kinzel, head of Cedar Fair, Cedar Point's parent entity.

To replace TTD, Cedar Point has tentatively settled on the world's largest, fastest, tallest, and most futuristic Dippin' Dots Ice Cream of the Future stand, backed up against a similarly huge Old Time Pictures stand. In a draft press release obtained by ARN&R, Kinzel is quoted as saying, "If you thought Top Thrill Dragster was intense during its fifteen hours of operation, just wait until you see this ice cream! It's XTreme!"

The stands will likely be rebranded. Rather than being identified simply as "Dippin' Dots Ice Cream of the Future," it will now be "XDippin XDots: XTreme Thrill X Cream of the XTreme Future," and the Old Time Pictures stand will likely offer the opportunity, through advanced digital technology, for patrons to have a picture taken so that they appear to be standing atop a 420-foot coaster, one that Cedar Point describes as "fantastical" and "so crazy as to be fictional."

Enthusasts were ecstatic over the news. "Once again, Cedar Point raises the bar," wrote ThrillNetwork regular MeanLeak. "I just can't wait to see what those poseurs at Magic Mountain do in response to this. Pure brilliance."

Universal Studios Theme Park Strives To Add Realism To Their Studio Parks

Guests at the Universal Studios theme parks in Hollywood and Orlando will soon see several new additions to both parks' "city streets." In an effort to make the city scenery seem more realistic and believable, Universal is adding panhandlers at every corner and at least one hooker at every intersection.

The make believe bums will be easily recognizable with their bedraggled clothes and crudely lettered cardboard signs. They will beg park patrons for spare change, leer maniacally at busty young women and urinate on themselves or the pavement quite frequently in order to make themselves seem all that more believable. Guests too stubborn to part with their pocket change will get an extra special surprise treat in the form of a "loogie" being "hocked" upon them by the feisty fake freeloaders.

The counterfeit call girls will be a little bit harder to spot since they will blend in with many of Universal's usual female guests. They will strut along the street corners hurling insults at male guests' wives or girlfriends and "flipping the bird" to anyone who gives them a disparaging glance. They will also offer free samples of their "goods and services" to the first ten guests daily who can actually discern them from the regular crowd of "interesting" women that frequent the Universal Studios parks.

Universal is not stopping there though. Their artists are also decorating the streets and sidewalks to truly make guests feel like they never left their hometown. They have recently been very busy laying down miscellaneous litter, broken bottles, used hypodermic needles, used contraceptives, human and animal feces, old mattresses and discarded major appliances. In addition, they have been spray-painting obscenities and lewd pictures onto various buildings throughout their parks in order to complete the illusion.

Universal anticipates introducing their newest street performers steadily throughout the summer months. Auditions will be held on Tuesday mornings starting on July 8th. All interested persons should contact the Universal Studios theme parks division human resources department or stop by the guest services booth at any Universal theme park.

--JWS

Whitewater West Industries To Introduce Spinning Rapids Restroom Ride

Canada's Whitewater West Industries, creators of the fun and hugely popular spinning rapids flume rides showing up at some Six Flags theme parks this year, are hard at work on their next major thrill ride concept, 'The Whirling Twirling White Water Toilet Tornado Ride.'

In an effort to expand theme park fun beyond its traditional boundaries, Whitewater is focusing on raising the thrill factor in other areas of the amusement park besides the usual thrill-packed midway rides and attractions.

Surveys conducted by Whitewater found that theme park guests spend an average of thirty-three minutes per day in the park's restrooms. (It should be noted that, for reasons unknown, the same research demonstrates that guests at Six Flags parks spend a significantly higher portion of their day in the restroom than guests at other parks do.) Based on this statistic, Whitewater set out to develop an attraction to optimize that restroom time and make it just as thrilling as every other minute spent in the park. The result of Whitewater's quest for restroom thrills is 'The Whirling Twirling White Water Toilet Tornado Ride.'

Guests take their seats on what appears to be just a normal toilet. It's white, it's porcelain and it's full of water, but that is where the similarities end. As soon as guests park their rears, the real fun begins. The water starts swirling, slowly building up momentum until it becomes a raging whirl of white water rapids. Geysers shoot up in all directions soaking riders with urine-enhanced splashes, sprays and spouts. Then, for the coup de grace, the toilet starts spinning, ever so slightly at first. As the toilet accelerates, high-speed wind machines strategically hidden throughout the restroom provide a very realistic hurricane-force wind shear that sprays water and human feces out in all directions.

"It is a very climactic finish to one hell of a great ride," boasted Stuart Burns, vice president and general manager of Whitewater. "We are very confident that the Toilet Tornado will leave your guests screaming for more, or at least screaming. Trust us, they will want to ride the Toilet Tornado again and again. Expect your guests' T.S.I.B. [Ed.: time-spent-in-bathrooms] to increase dramatically."

The 'Whirling Twirling White Water Toilet Tornado Ride' prototype is currently being tested at Whitewater's corporate offices in Richmond, British Columbia, Canada. Tests are going extremely well and Whitewater plans to start installing the Toilet Tornados in parks as early as spring, 2004.

Hersheypark will be the first park to install a Toilet Tornado. It will be aptly named 'The Hershey Homesteader Hurricane' and it will be conveniently located in the Pioneer Frontier section of the park next door to the Taco Bell restaurant.

--JWS

CPO Opens New Shelter for Battered and Abused Coasters

The famed Coaster Preservation Organization (formerly Coaster Preservation Club) has branched out beyond rescuing abandoned coasters and suing parks that leave coasters standing but not operating for four months or more. On Monday, June 23rd, it unveiled blueprints for a new shelter specifically to aid abused and battered coasters.

“I was shocked when a friend told me the sad story of Rolling Thunder at Six Flags Great Adventure,” said Lee Coaster, Chairman, President, and CEO of the CPO (formerly CPC). “When I heard about this once-noble coaster without fresh paint, running on dry rails, operating day-to-day at the mercy of cold, uncaring Ride Operators, I knew the CPO (formerly CPC) had to step in and do something."

The center, to be located in North Dakota, or perhaps Louisiana, is designed to house coasters which have escaped from their current tormenters. “As we all know, some of these great rides will suffer from 'Battered Coaster Syndrome,' and may not have the confidence or courage to escape. We are here to help them with a confidential rescue program.”

Once at the center, coasters will be re-painted, oiled, and stroked lovingly. Assertiveness Training and Self-Defense classes will also be offered to coasters to help them “get back on their feet again.”

Most abused coasters are afraid to press charges against their owners, so there is little to no media coverage or court records of this abuse. A hopeful Lee Coaster said, “We’re going to turn this around – one coaster at a time.”

--MMS

Coasterbuzz Flame War Ensues Over Attempt to Count Montezooma

A monster controversy has been bubbling out of the turgid bowels of Coasterbuzz this past week, following the discovery that a man with the CB handle “CPistotallythebestandallotherparkssuck6” had actually credited the Paramount’s Great America shuttle loop Montezooma’s Revenge on his CB profile’s coaster count despite freely admitting that he has never traveled west of Minnesota.

“This is such a load of s#&%,” opined Jerry Baldwin, 36. “Why is he bothering to lie to us? So immature. I hope I’m never so desperate for the attention a big coaster count brings that I stoop to such stupidity as to inflate my numbers with coasters I haven’t actually been on.” Baldwin then ran off to begin his four-day vacation to Santa Land, Story Land, and Funworld Game Center, each a New Hampshire park widely spaced from any other and featuring a single kid’s or family roller coaster.

CPistotallythebestandallotherparkssuck6 sprinted forth to unload his side of the story. “It’s legit. I experienced Montezooma’s Revenge in all its fury. No lie. I was driving down I-95 to visit some pals in South Carolina and I stopped off at South of the Border for a few Pedroland rides and some tacos at Pedro’s Diner. Everything seemed okay, but then, as I was riding that awesome sombrero into the night sky, it hit me. Damn, did it hit me. Can you say ‘Los Trots?’ I was in the baño for three hours screaming and grunting and burning a hole through Pedro’s third-world white thrones. Cramps, chills, queasiness, and imperial gallons of explosive, fiery diarrhea…dude, it sucked. And I had to run pay homage to the porcelain god from one end or another eleven times in the next two days.”

He added, “so don’t try to deny my credit for Montezooma’s Revenge. Maybe it rode me instead of the other way around, but I’ve had just as much shuttle launching as any of those morons who’ve been to Great America. I was just getting the shuttle launching through my ass, but it counts the same.”

Discussion on Coasterbuzz has primarily favored the viewpoint that the Montezooma’s Revenge sufferer is a “lying coaster count jackass,” though minority opinions have held that he is a “wanker” and “a complete tool.” South of the Border employees tell ARN&R that the taco meat they use consists only of the finest cockroach larvae, toenails, and rat schlongs, and they don’t know why on Earth anyone would blame their tasty product for any anal agony whatsoever.

--JCK

Sneetch Pox Outbreak Traced to Islands of Adventure

Scientists around the world heaved a collective sigh of relief from their manly bosoms this morning, as the troublesome outbreak of Sneetch Pox was traced definitively to one source, Islands of Adventure amusement park. Said Roger Cratchov of the Centers for Disease Control, "we've managed to isolate this disease to one location, and expect it to be eradicated within a matter of days. It's a victory for world health."

Experts describe Sneetch Pox as a non-deadly but most embarrassing condition which causes massive breakouts of hives in a star pattern all over the stomach and chest of the victim. "This pox totally sucks," said Fondlyn Cox, 23, a recent sufferer of the condition. "It itches to all hell, and the kids without the frickin' pox won't let me hang out with them since it's contagious or something." Cox then furtively scratched at herself in an unseemly fashion.

"I told my son not to play with those Sneetches on the beaches," said Harry Ball, 45. "But he did it anyway. Then it spread to our whole tour group in a matter of minutes. Augh! It burns! It burns!"

Once it was learned that all victims of the Sneetch Pox had, not really so inexplicably, contracted the condition within hours of visiting Islands of Adventure and its Seuss-themed area, doctors quarantined the area, crushing the pox outbreak with one swift stroke. Although the infestation appears to be contained, all those who have ridden a Sneetch or played with one in the past week are urged to receive their shots at a nearby clinic just to be sure. Those who have been infected have been reporting a return to normal after about two weeks of itching, burning, and swelling. Rectal discomfort may persist for up to three months no matter what the treatment, of course.

"Lots of rest, liquids, and reading stupid fake coaster rumor sites will soon have these sufferers back as the best on the beaches despite these Sneetches!" said Cratchov, in a moment of unprecedented levity.

--JCK