Caustic Chef Author Angrily Leaves Six Flags America's Cooking Corps
Six Flags Theme Parks today announced that celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain (author of Kitchen Confidential and star of Food Network's A Cook's Tour will be leaving the chain's Washington, D.C.-area theme park.
Bourdain, formerly executive chef at Les Halles in New York -- known for extremely strict discipline in his kitchen and an incredible quality of food in his restaurants -- had been hired as the Chef d' Cuisine at the pizza and french fry stand near SFA's Tower of Doom drop ride. "We'd hired Mr. Bourdain in hopes that he'd maybe tweak the seasoning a little on the fries or perhaps add another pizza topping, you know, like black olives. But within a week he'd spent $30,000 on new equipment, fired everyone there, brought in this completely insane guy named Adam to create 'focaccia' -- whatever the hell that is -- and started selling foie gras. That wasn't really what we were looking for."
Bourdain, reached for comment, began with a stream of creative obscenities. "Those f*cking idiots wouldn't know cuisine if it bit them in the ass," he stated. "They've never heard of escargot, and you should've heard it when I suggested adding Pied de Cochon Pané [traditional pig's feet] to the menu. 'We're a theme park,'" he said, mimicking a manager's voice, "'Not a fancy-schmancy New York restaurant.' Jesus, what an idiot."
Six Flags stated that it had plans to replace Bourdain with Emeril Lagasse, who, according to the park, "was really mostly focused on how much money he'd make. He didn't really seem to be too worried about the food -- he just said we should buy a bunch of his cajun seasoning mix and throw that on everything."
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
Monday, September 08, 2003
New Site o' the Weak: It's the Future!
Thrillrush, featuring a my-god-it-burns-my-eyes design, is presumably proud to be this week's selection for ARN&R's Site o' the Weak.
We note two things: First, the site's producers "have extreme dreams." As a public service, we note to Thrillrush's producers that we, too, have had extreme dreams, and that Tide is a very effective laundry detergent. Second, we commend to you Thrillrush's "Wierd [sic] Types of Future Coasters" page, where you can truly see the future!
Thrillrush, featuring a my-god-it-burns-my-eyes design, is presumably proud to be this week's selection for ARN&R's Site o' the Weak.
We note two things: First, the site's producers "have extreme dreams." As a public service, we note to Thrillrush's producers that we, too, have had extreme dreams, and that Tide is a very effective laundry detergent. Second, we commend to you Thrillrush's "Wierd [sic] Types of Future Coasters" page, where you can truly see the future!
Sunday, September 07, 2003
Dorney Park To Get Rid Of Her Coolies
Dorney Park issued a press release earlier this week indicating that she was finally getting rid of her coolies opting to replace them with cool new steel drink coasters instead. The enthusiast world has been in quite a tizzy ever since.
Coolies, as all true roller-coaster enthusiasts know, are those totally cool and extremely functional foam aluminum beverage can covers. Not only do they keep your drinks refreshingly chilled even in the longest of Talon lines, but they are also fun to collect and trade with all of your coolie-coveting friends.
ACE member, Margaret "Coolie" Kuptrik worried that Dorney's decision was a sign of more ominous coolie-related closures to come.
"If Dorney decides she doesn't need her coolies anymore, then what's to stop Bone Island Bob and The Professional Hooker from making the same sickening coolie-cutting decision? Before you know it, we coolie enthusiasts will have nowhere left to go to satisfy our coolie cravings. We'll be forced to start wrapping our Tabs and Frescas in aluminum foil again. Oh, what a world," lamented Kuptrik.
Frequent roller coaster newsgroup poster, HerCooliesRoolies, immediately spit out a post to RRC, CoasterBuzz and CCC (CoolieClubCrowd) begging the coolie-loving public to join him in a letter-writing and e-mail protest against Dorney's latest decision.
"We can't let her do this," pleaded HerCooliesRoolies. "We all lose if Dorney Park removes her coolies. Now, don't get me wrong, I like fancy steel drink coasters just as much as the next guy, but isn't there room at Dorney for her coolies and for her new steel drink coasters? I certainly think so, and I hope that you do too. I urge all of you to join me in protest. Send your poorly worded e-mails and essentially illegible letters to Dorney Park today. Together, we can save the coolies," declared HerCooliesRoolies.
In a related story, Scrapoetry.com has assured ARN&R reporters that their version of the coolie is indeed here to stay. We can all certainly be very thankful for that.
--JWS
Dorney Park issued a press release earlier this week indicating that she was finally getting rid of her coolies opting to replace them with cool new steel drink coasters instead. The enthusiast world has been in quite a tizzy ever since.
Coolies, as all true roller-coaster enthusiasts know, are those totally cool and extremely functional foam aluminum beverage can covers. Not only do they keep your drinks refreshingly chilled even in the longest of Talon lines, but they are also fun to collect and trade with all of your coolie-coveting friends.
ACE member, Margaret "Coolie" Kuptrik worried that Dorney's decision was a sign of more ominous coolie-related closures to come.
"If Dorney decides she doesn't need her coolies anymore, then what's to stop Bone Island Bob and The Professional Hooker from making the same sickening coolie-cutting decision? Before you know it, we coolie enthusiasts will have nowhere left to go to satisfy our coolie cravings. We'll be forced to start wrapping our Tabs and Frescas in aluminum foil again. Oh, what a world," lamented Kuptrik.
Frequent roller coaster newsgroup poster, HerCooliesRoolies, immediately spit out a post to RRC, CoasterBuzz and CCC (CoolieClubCrowd) begging the coolie-loving public to join him in a letter-writing and e-mail protest against Dorney's latest decision.
"We can't let her do this," pleaded HerCooliesRoolies. "We all lose if Dorney Park removes her coolies. Now, don't get me wrong, I like fancy steel drink coasters just as much as the next guy, but isn't there room at Dorney for her coolies and for her new steel drink coasters? I certainly think so, and I hope that you do too. I urge all of you to join me in protest. Send your poorly worded e-mails and essentially illegible letters to Dorney Park today. Together, we can save the coolies," declared HerCooliesRoolies.
In a related story, Scrapoetry.com has assured ARN&R reporters that their version of the coolie is indeed here to stay. We can all certainly be very thankful for that.
--JWS
Friday, September 05, 2003
An Open Letter to Coaster Enthusiasts (from the Lemon Chill Guy)
Dear Coaster Enthusiasts:
I was right after all. Yeah, that was me – I told you that Hercules was coming down. You just rolled your eyes when I told you to ride it while you still could. See? I was right after all! I know that you didn’t believe me when I said that they were gonna taer [sic] it down, but what are you going to do now? Where’s your precious woodie now? Huh? Huh?
So next time that bitch Becky from Dippin’ Dots starts chatting you up about some "tera tera tera" nonsense, remember that it was me, Dairrek - The Lemon Chill Guy, that told you about Hercules coming down in 2003.
In closing, I want you all to know that you can suck it.
Sincerely,
Dairrek Von Benld
Lemon Chill Guy
Dorney Park
--MMS/CSB
Dear Coaster Enthusiasts:
I was right after all. Yeah, that was me – I told you that Hercules was coming down. You just rolled your eyes when I told you to ride it while you still could. See? I was right after all! I know that you didn’t believe me when I said that they were gonna taer [sic] it down, but what are you going to do now? Where’s your precious woodie now? Huh? Huh?
So next time that bitch Becky from Dippin’ Dots starts chatting you up about some "tera tera tera" nonsense, remember that it was me, Dairrek - The Lemon Chill Guy, that told you about Hercules coming down in 2003.
In closing, I want you all to know that you can suck it.
Sincerely,
Dairrek Von Benld
Lemon Chill Guy
Dorney Park
--MMS/CSB
Thursday, September 04, 2003
Online Forum Participation Proves Safety Conscientiousness
Coaster Enthusiasts scrambled to prove they follow safety regulations by posting to a CoasterBuzz thread on Tuesday. The thread, a response to an editorial post made by Jeff Putz, rocked the online community of enthusiasts, who immediately rushed to prove that other enthusiasts, not frequent CoasterBuzz posters, were responsible for Cedar Fair’s letter to coaster club presidents. That letter suggested that enthusiasts' intentional avoidance of park rules was threatening the availability of events at Cedar Fair parks. Putz's editorial made the shocking suggestion that enthusiasts should act like sensible adults and that a failure to do so could cause harm relations with parks as well as resulting in injury or death.
The phrases “I never” and “I agree” were copied and pasted by at least 25 members within a span of mere hours.
In an exclusive ARN&R interview by e-mail, one anonymous poster explained the rush of posts, expanding the thread to a whopping four pages by press time. “By posting in an online forum to declare that I follow safety rules, and scorn any enthusiast who doesn’t, I am proving my love and allegiance for this fine hobby and making sure nobody thinks it is my fault. Because it's not my fault. I never break the rules and I agree with the people who said it's not our fault.”
Other forum participants agree, adding that ACE members who don’t post online, and who specifically didn’t chime in on the thread, are probably the culprits. “If ACE members aren’t involved enough to spend their days posting in online forums, their love is not true, and therefore makes them the obvious targets of the letters.” said another member. "I never break the rules and I agree with the people who said it's not our fault," the member added.
A small group of enthusiasts are currently working to memorize the profile photos of anyone who did not post to agree with Jeff on the thread, and plan to give those people ‘really dirty looks’ at PPP.
--MMS
Coaster Enthusiasts scrambled to prove they follow safety regulations by posting to a CoasterBuzz thread on Tuesday. The thread, a response to an editorial post made by Jeff Putz, rocked the online community of enthusiasts, who immediately rushed to prove that other enthusiasts, not frequent CoasterBuzz posters, were responsible for Cedar Fair’s letter to coaster club presidents. That letter suggested that enthusiasts' intentional avoidance of park rules was threatening the availability of events at Cedar Fair parks. Putz's editorial made the shocking suggestion that enthusiasts should act like sensible adults and that a failure to do so could cause harm relations with parks as well as resulting in injury or death.
The phrases “I never” and “I agree” were copied and pasted by at least 25 members within a span of mere hours.
In an exclusive ARN&R interview by e-mail, one anonymous poster explained the rush of posts, expanding the thread to a whopping four pages by press time. “By posting in an online forum to declare that I follow safety rules, and scorn any enthusiast who doesn’t, I am proving my love and allegiance for this fine hobby and making sure nobody thinks it is my fault. Because it's not my fault. I never break the rules and I agree with the people who said it's not our fault.”
Other forum participants agree, adding that ACE members who don’t post online, and who specifically didn’t chime in on the thread, are probably the culprits. “If ACE members aren’t involved enough to spend their days posting in online forums, their love is not true, and therefore makes them the obvious targets of the letters.” said another member. "I never break the rules and I agree with the people who said it's not our fault," the member added.
A small group of enthusiasts are currently working to memorize the profile photos of anyone who did not post to agree with Jeff on the thread, and plan to give those people ‘really dirty looks’ at PPP.
--MMS
ACE Events a Beautiful and Inspiring Example of Diversity
The new issue of ACE News is out, and as its throngs of fans have come to expect, it provides yet another heartwarming example of the diversity of ACE. Throughout the issue, ACE events are painstakingly documented with dozens of photographs, and the rainbow of humanity reminds the reader of the fact that our nation is one grand tapestry, with over 25% of the population being non-white.
ACE News's cover story -- CoasterCon's 25th anniversary, which took place at Busch Gardens Williamsburg and Paramount's Kings Dominion in Virginia -- is a terrific example. While Virginia's population is 19.6% black, the photographs of ACE indicate...um, actually, nobody other than white people. But it does have an extremely tasteful photograph of various ACE members wearing Afro wigs, so we're sure they were thinking about black people! And, of course, we're sure there were some actual African-Americans, Hispanics, and other minorities there. They just didn't happen to make it into any of the 28 pictures featuring Con attendees.
Even in New Mexico, New York, Texas, Georgia -- states with hardly any minority populations at all (34%, 32%, 29%, and 35%, respectively) -- all hosts to ACE events -- ACE's diversity shines through. Again, we're certain there were more than...let's see, we can count these...zero non-white people in attendance. Surely there were.
Reached for comment, the ACE Publications Director pointed out the enormous diversity of facial hair and hairstyles evident in the issue's photographs. "You've got mullets, beards, beards without moustaches, moustaches without beards, and I think we had a neck beard too!"
The new issue of ACE News is out, and as its throngs of fans have come to expect, it provides yet another heartwarming example of the diversity of ACE. Throughout the issue, ACE events are painstakingly documented with dozens of photographs, and the rainbow of humanity reminds the reader of the fact that our nation is one grand tapestry, with over 25% of the population being non-white.
ACE News's cover story -- CoasterCon's 25th anniversary, which took place at Busch Gardens Williamsburg and Paramount's Kings Dominion in Virginia -- is a terrific example. While Virginia's population is 19.6% black, the photographs of ACE indicate...um, actually, nobody other than white people. But it does have an extremely tasteful photograph of various ACE members wearing Afro wigs, so we're sure they were thinking about black people! And, of course, we're sure there were some actual African-Americans, Hispanics, and other minorities there. They just didn't happen to make it into any of the 28 pictures featuring Con attendees.
Even in New Mexico, New York, Texas, Georgia -- states with hardly any minority populations at all (34%, 32%, 29%, and 35%, respectively) -- all hosts to ACE events -- ACE's diversity shines through. Again, we're certain there were more than...let's see, we can count these...zero non-white people in attendance. Surely there were.
Reached for comment, the ACE Publications Director pointed out the enormous diversity of facial hair and hairstyles evident in the issue's photographs. "You've got mullets, beards, beards without moustaches, moustaches without beards, and I think we had a neck beard too!"
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
New Site O' the Weak
Please, please, please visit this week's Site O' the Weak, Shoewee's Crazy Pictures. Thrill to wacky Wal-Mart pictures! Be amazed at the nutty hijinks that take place at Cedar Point! Query how someone couldn't handle Area Three Games while working at Cedar Point! Meditate on the possible meanings of Jeanette having a "great relationship" with what appears to be an entire male college class for a week! And, most of all, wonder why the heck he'd include a character picture when the characters were mean all summer long! (Linus was not as bad as Schroeder. Schroeder was a prick.)
Note: We blew out Shoewee's bandwidth allocation in about two minutes when we first found this site, so if you're unable to access it, be patient. Please believe us that it is worth the wait.
Please, please, please visit this week's Site O' the Weak, Shoewee's Crazy Pictures. Thrill to wacky Wal-Mart pictures! Be amazed at the nutty hijinks that take place at Cedar Point! Query how someone couldn't handle Area Three Games while working at Cedar Point! Meditate on the possible meanings of Jeanette having a "great relationship" with what appears to be an entire male college class for a week! And, most of all, wonder why the heck he'd include a character picture when the characters were mean all summer long! (Linus was not as bad as Schroeder. Schroeder was a prick.)
Note: We blew out Shoewee's bandwidth allocation in about two minutes when we first found this site, so if you're unable to access it, be patient. Please believe us that it is worth the wait.
Saturday, August 30, 2003
Shocking Kiss Highlights Golden Ticket Awards
Ever since Madonna kicked off the inaugural 1984 Golden Ticket Award Show on MTV with a lurid strip tease involving a greased Shivering Timbers and backup dancers wearing nothing but Beast thongs and rosary beads, the show has continued to push the limits. Last night, at the 2003 GTA's, the event proved it could still startle with the best of them, when Golden Ticket Best Park winner and amusement icon Cedar Point open-mouth tongue-kissed Islands of Adventure and Six Flags New Orleans onstage.
As an unnannounced surprise, the two scantily-clad young stars had appeared onstage at the beginning of the ceremony to offer a tribute to the long-popular Cedar Point. After lauding Millennium Force, Raptor, and Blue Streak, and bringing Jack Black to the stage for a good-natured ribbing of Disaster Transport and Mean Streak, the two up-and-coming parks beckoned offstage, and Cedar Point appeared to thunderous applause. All three parks then launched into a lurid, bump-and-grind, oiled version of Snoopy Rocks on Ice, but the surprises didn't end there. At the conclusion of the song, Cedar Point offered the sexy full-on lesbian tongue-wrestle to first Islands of Adventure, and then Six Flags New Orleans.
"Oh man," said Six Flags Magic Mountain. "That was the coolest thing I've ever seen. I better not win any awards, or I'll have to stand up and everyone will see just how cool I thought it was."
"Whoa, dat's off da hook, yo," noted Justin Timberlake, desperately and pathetically trying to convince people that he is not a rich white boy. "I's gonna go in an' break me off a slice o' dat, mmmmm-HMMMmmm."
Some were not so aroused or amused by the tongueplay. "I'm disgusted," said Frontier City. "These Golden Ticket Awards are supposed to be about Family Values, and here these sluts show us wicked sins and temptations. When we win this award next year, I assure you Frontier City will not stoop to faux-lesbian posturing, unacceptably skimpy clothing, or free sex with Christina Aguilera while riding Wicked Twister. No, we will dominate the competition because we are family friendly, and because we have the best rides, the best theming, and the cleanest, friendliest, and best landscaped park. Boo-yah!" Frontier City concluded its bizarre remarks by making the "Heisman Pose" in the direction of Cedar Point.
--JCK
Ever since Madonna kicked off the inaugural 1984 Golden Ticket Award Show on MTV with a lurid strip tease involving a greased Shivering Timbers and backup dancers wearing nothing but Beast thongs and rosary beads, the show has continued to push the limits. Last night, at the 2003 GTA's, the event proved it could still startle with the best of them, when Golden Ticket Best Park winner and amusement icon Cedar Point open-mouth tongue-kissed Islands of Adventure and Six Flags New Orleans onstage.
As an unnannounced surprise, the two scantily-clad young stars had appeared onstage at the beginning of the ceremony to offer a tribute to the long-popular Cedar Point. After lauding Millennium Force, Raptor, and Blue Streak, and bringing Jack Black to the stage for a good-natured ribbing of Disaster Transport and Mean Streak, the two up-and-coming parks beckoned offstage, and Cedar Point appeared to thunderous applause. All three parks then launched into a lurid, bump-and-grind, oiled version of Snoopy Rocks on Ice, but the surprises didn't end there. At the conclusion of the song, Cedar Point offered the sexy full-on lesbian tongue-wrestle to first Islands of Adventure, and then Six Flags New Orleans.
"Oh man," said Six Flags Magic Mountain. "That was the coolest thing I've ever seen. I better not win any awards, or I'll have to stand up and everyone will see just how cool I thought it was."
"Whoa, dat's off da hook, yo," noted Justin Timberlake, desperately and pathetically trying to convince people that he is not a rich white boy. "I's gonna go in an' break me off a slice o' dat, mmmmm-HMMMmmm."
Some were not so aroused or amused by the tongueplay. "I'm disgusted," said Frontier City. "These Golden Ticket Awards are supposed to be about Family Values, and here these sluts show us wicked sins and temptations. When we win this award next year, I assure you Frontier City will not stoop to faux-lesbian posturing, unacceptably skimpy clothing, or free sex with Christina Aguilera while riding Wicked Twister. No, we will dominate the competition because we are family friendly, and because we have the best rides, the best theming, and the cleanest, friendliest, and best landscaped park. Boo-yah!" Frontier City concluded its bizarre remarks by making the "Heisman Pose" in the direction of Cedar Point.
--JCK
Friday, August 29, 2003
Phillip Morris Awards Public Service Award
It was announced today that Phillip Morris would be awarding its annual Special Public Service in Support of the Tobacco Industry Award to the amusement park Six Flags New England.
"This day is a great one for our amusement park," said Six Flags New England manager Henry Hacker. "We've been doing our best to angle for this kind of recognition from Big Tobacco, and damn if it didn't finally pay off. Guests have been pleased this year to note that we are maintaining a 93% level of people under 15 smoking in our park. Additionally, we are very proud of our 'non-smoking policy' in line." Here he paused to stifle a chuckle. "A survey of the line for Superman last week uncovered the fact that, on average, 76% of the entire line is smoking! That's just amazing!"
Hacker added that "the fact that so many teenagers are firing up and blowing their foul fumes at the non-smokers in line, and generally doing so right in front of laughable signs threatening expulsion for smoking in line, is just extra spunky. And we've of course instructed our ride ops not to call anyone down for spewing noxious waste out their mouths right in the station, and our crack security squad makes sure to avoid being anywhere near that line, both because we wouldn't want them to stop the white trash from sharing their smoke stench, or to prevent them from cutting in line at a rate of 6,456,895 cuts per minute that we currently maintain."
Jesse Helms will be the Philip Morris special guest at the presentation. Helms assured ARN&R that he would be certain to knock over some cancer patients and spit in their faces on his way to the podium, and probably find time to persecute some blacks and gays and burn some schools down on his way back to his plantation when it is finished.
--JCK
It was announced today that Phillip Morris would be awarding its annual Special Public Service in Support of the Tobacco Industry Award to the amusement park Six Flags New England.
"This day is a great one for our amusement park," said Six Flags New England manager Henry Hacker. "We've been doing our best to angle for this kind of recognition from Big Tobacco, and damn if it didn't finally pay off. Guests have been pleased this year to note that we are maintaining a 93% level of people under 15 smoking in our park. Additionally, we are very proud of our 'non-smoking policy' in line." Here he paused to stifle a chuckle. "A survey of the line for Superman last week uncovered the fact that, on average, 76% of the entire line is smoking! That's just amazing!"
Hacker added that "the fact that so many teenagers are firing up and blowing their foul fumes at the non-smokers in line, and generally doing so right in front of laughable signs threatening expulsion for smoking in line, is just extra spunky. And we've of course instructed our ride ops not to call anyone down for spewing noxious waste out their mouths right in the station, and our crack security squad makes sure to avoid being anywhere near that line, both because we wouldn't want them to stop the white trash from sharing their smoke stench, or to prevent them from cutting in line at a rate of 6,456,895 cuts per minute that we currently maintain."
Jesse Helms will be the Philip Morris special guest at the presentation. Helms assured ARN&R that he would be certain to knock over some cancer patients and spit in their faces on his way to the podium, and probably find time to persecute some blacks and gays and burn some schools down on his way back to his plantation when it is finished.
--JCK
Thursday, August 28, 2003
Area Man Questions Sexuality After Experiencing Top Gun: The Jet Coaster
Asheville, North Carolina, resident Jason MacDunleavy began to question his sexual preference after a ride on the B&M inverted coaster "Top Gun: The Jet Coaster" last Saturday at Paramount’s Carowinds.
"As I got in line, I heard the Kenny Loggins song Dangerzone," said Dunleavy. "My heart started pounding when I saw giant pictures of Val Kilmer and Tom Cruise. I was really pumped – my adrenaline level was so high, I felt an overwhelming desire to high five, and then experience hot man love with, the Iceman. That second part -- you know, the hot man love part -- sort of surprised me."
By the time MacDunleavy got into the ride station, he had begun to look at his girlfriend as if she were a stranger. "I don’t know what happened," said Jennifer Kailo, Jason’s longtime girlfriend. "Take My Breath Away was playing on the P.A. – it was our song. I reached out for Jason’s hand and he practically jumped back from me." By the time the couple had gone through the flat spin, Jason had ended the relationship, telling Kailo that he needed "time to think."
Quentin Tarantino, famed movie director and expert on the effects of Top Gun on male sexuality, was not surprised. "It’s only natural that a ride inspired by the most homoerotic movie of all time would make a man gay."
--MMS
Asheville, North Carolina, resident Jason MacDunleavy began to question his sexual preference after a ride on the B&M inverted coaster "Top Gun: The Jet Coaster" last Saturday at Paramount’s Carowinds.
"As I got in line, I heard the Kenny Loggins song Dangerzone," said Dunleavy. "My heart started pounding when I saw giant pictures of Val Kilmer and Tom Cruise. I was really pumped – my adrenaline level was so high, I felt an overwhelming desire to high five, and then experience hot man love with, the Iceman. That second part -- you know, the hot man love part -- sort of surprised me."
By the time MacDunleavy got into the ride station, he had begun to look at his girlfriend as if she were a stranger. "I don’t know what happened," said Jennifer Kailo, Jason’s longtime girlfriend. "Take My Breath Away was playing on the P.A. – it was our song. I reached out for Jason’s hand and he practically jumped back from me." By the time the couple had gone through the flat spin, Jason had ended the relationship, telling Kailo that he needed "time to think."
Quentin Tarantino, famed movie director and expert on the effects of Top Gun on male sexuality, was not surprised. "It’s only natural that a ride inspired by the most homoerotic movie of all time would make a man gay."
--MMS
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