Hemingway Estate Sues Rollercoaster Magazine

The estate of writer Ernest Hemingway announced this morning that it would be filing a lawsuit against the editorial and writing staff of Rollercoaster Magazine. According to a statement from the estate, "this enthusiast publication has knowingly and willingly plagiarized the style of the late Ernest Hemingway for its own aims and profits. We will be seeking massive monetary compensation for this thievery in a court of law."

While the Hemingway estate makes no claim that the content and ideas expressed by Hemingway were in any way used by Rollercoaster Magazine without permission, they claim that the "style of writing used in the magazine goes past the point of aping Hemingway into out and out copying."

ARN&R has obtained samples from representative portions of the texts in question, and, while victory in this matter is no certainty for the Hemingway estate, they do make a strong point. Here is a representative passage from Hemingway's classic 1926 novel, The Sun Also Rises:

That was all right. Bill and Mike were with Edna. She had been afraid last night they would pass out. That was why I was to be sure to take her. I drank the coffee and hurried with the other people toward the bull-ring. I was not groggy now. There was only a bad headache.

And here is a sample from the Winter 1968 issue of Rollercoaster Magazine, or whatever just came out [Editor's Note: It was Spring 2003, merely half a year behind, as opposed to 35 years.].

Mack is a leader in the amusement industry. Their rides are at many parks. It will be neat to see what they make next. Goliath was good. But it wasn't perfect. It was not on many top ten lists. But it was green. Bus drivers were good. The hotel was bad. People took pretty pictures. We were given more ride time than expected. We like coasters. Collosos is no good since it is perfect. Parks should give us better buffets. With All-You-Can-Eat cow tongue. I forgot to bathe.

Neither excerpt has any subject matter in common, but both of them feature childishly stupid prose and an inability to form complicated word phrases or clauses, instead relying solely on clipped, single thoughts that lead to mind-rending irritation on the part of many readers with more than a fourth-grade education. ARN&R will be watching this plagiarism case closely and will keep our readership alerted as to any developments.

--JCK

ACE News Article Fails to Mention Food

The latest issue of ACE News received strong criticism this week, as the ACE Executive Junta, the American Beef Council, and the National Lard, Scrapple, Hog Brains, and Head Cheese Foundation all condemned the magazine for its failure to mention food in one article.

"This is absolutely disgraceful," announced American Coaster Enthusiasts Commander-in-Chief, Winner of the 1976 Tchaikovsky Cello Competition, and Hindu Goddess of Destruction Carole Sanderson. "The ACE Code of Conduct specifically prohibits the writing of any article for any of our publications without making reference to food. For the past seven years, each and every article, even those quick 'breaking news' updates about new coasters that everyone already knew about three months ago, featured breathless prose lauding beef, pork, or gooey breakfast treats. I don't know how it happened that this regulation was broken in the latest issue, but it'll be dealt with, believe you me."

Diligent research by a crack team of ARN&R forensic scientists and photographers located the offending article with ease. Located on the back page, and titled "Dollywood Does It," the half-page feature manages, somehow, to describe the new GCI coaster being built for the Tennessee park without referencing Krispy Kreme, country ham, or grits even once.

"I don't know how this thing slipped through," lamented editor Mark Davidson. "I think I might have been distracted by the thought of getting the annual onslaught of irritatating reviews of Phoenix Phall Phunfest that feel the need to spell everything over and over with 'ph' instead of 'f,' as if it's still remotely funny or entertaining after the eleven-billionth time. In any case, I apologize for allowing an article to run without mentioning buffets of any sort."

Davidson defended the publication, saying, "we do normally maintain a high level of professionalism in reporting news of ACE members gorging themselves to the brink of propulsive vomiting. Why, even in this issue, every other article talks mostly about food instead of other stupid crap like roller coasters or whatever. Any article dealing with conventions, of course, almost solely features exciting buffet news, and the articles in this issue were no exception. And then the blurb about Hersheypark's Rocket Coaster requests the ride be named the Chocolate Rocket. The Timberhawk review noted a complimentary lunch. And even the Coaster Media review mentions scrambled eggs. So we hope our audience will forgive this one slight of ours, and please not eat us alive and then crack open our thigh bones to suck out our tasty marrow."

The author of the article in question was not named in ACE News, but Sanderson promises a severe lashing, as well as sentencing to the back of the next CoasterCon ice cream line, to the culprit if he or she is ever located.

--JCK

Cedar Point Guests Get An Eyeful On Top Thrill Dragster

Several guests at Cedar Point got an extra special bonus treat during their ride on Top Thrill Dragster this past Saturday, September 6th when a woman’s halter top was blown clear off of her body during the ride’s 120 mile per hour launch.

Park guest and American Coaster Enthusiasts member Lana Lewis from Pipestem, West Virginia, evidently ignored the posted signs warning TTD riders about raising their arms during the coaster’s launch. Everything was okay during the first second of the launch. Two seconds into the launch, however, Lana’s frilly pink and yellow 100% cotton halter top was sucked right off of her body. The halter top got caught in the rushing air produced by the movement of the coaster train and floated gracefully in the breeze for a few seconds before landing gently on the ground under the roller coaster amongst the several nuts, bolts, and tires that have fallen off of the TTD trains all throughout this season.

Ms. Lewis was back in the ride’s station before she realized what had happened.

“I definitely felt a chill when we reached the top of the first hill,” she said. “But I just assumed it was because we were so high up and the air was just cooler up there. Little did I know that my boobies were bouncing all around in the breeze for all of God’s creatures to see.”

After the ride, Ms. Lewis asked ride operators to retrieve her halter top from under the coaster, but was politely reminded by park management that all items lost during the ride could not be retrieved until the park had closed for the day.

Ms. Lewis’s brother, Skeeter, who is also her cousin, managed to save the day and a little bit of Lana’s dignity by purchasing a t-shirt from the recently opened Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Souvenir Shop located on Cedar Point’s midway next door to the Johnny Rockets restaurant.

In a related story, the Top Thrill Dragster on-ride souvenir photo booth reported a new record high one day sales total on Saturday, September 6th. The astounding sales figure was attributed for the most part to the hundreds of male teenage coaster enthusiasts who waited in line for up to three hours to purchase a photo of Lana’s top thrilling strip show.

--JWS

Six Flags Great America Mocked for Taking Lemon to Dealer

Six Flags Great America was taunted by its friends for taking its broken-down jalopy to the dealer for service work, say sources close to the park.

"I can't believe this schmuck," said friend Six Flags St. Louis. "First of all, he's an idiot for not listening to me and buying one of those stupid Deja Vu things, which everyone knows break down more than crap from Ford. Then he compounds his stupidity by taking the thing back to the damn dealer for service. What a dips%$t."

Six Flags Great America confirmed that it takes its ride to Vekoma for service, but defended itself, saying, "I don't really know the local mechanics, so I don't know if they're honest or not. And my dealer is the one who gave me the ride, so they probably know best how to fix its myriad problems that crop up on a thousands-of-times-per-day basis. And they explained that they are the only ones who use genuine Toyota parts, so why shouldn't I take it there?"

Said business colleague Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom, "you should've seen this guy last week. Deja Vu broke down for like the three hundreth time that day, and so he took it to Vekoma. They gave him attitude about not making an appointment and pretty much accused him of screwing the thing up himself, and then they finally took it in. I could see those bozos in the back of the garage. Seven hours in there, and I'm pretty sure they just took out a chain dog and put it right back in. And then he gets the bill for six thousand dollars. I asked him, right in front of the mechanic and sales lady, if he at least got a free jar of Vaseline with that. They didn't think that was all that funny."

Six Flags Great America's friends said they would continue to encourage their "moron dumbass friend" to quit taking his piece of crap coaster to the same imbeciles who sold it to him, and instead check out a local garage such as Schwarzkopf & Sons, right down the street.

--JCK

Caustic Chef Author Angrily Leaves Six Flags America's Cooking Corps

Six Flags Theme Parks today announced that celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain (author of Kitchen Confidential and star of Food Network's A Cook's Tour will be leaving the chain's Washington, D.C.-area theme park.

Bourdain, formerly executive chef at Les Halles in New York -- known for extremely strict discipline in his kitchen and an incredible quality of food in his restaurants -- had been hired as the Chef d' Cuisine at the pizza and french fry stand near SFA's Tower of Doom drop ride. "We'd hired Mr. Bourdain in hopes that he'd maybe tweak the seasoning a little on the fries or perhaps add another pizza topping, you know, like black olives. But within a week he'd spent $30,000 on new equipment, fired everyone there, brought in this completely insane guy named Adam to create 'focaccia' -- whatever the hell that is -- and started selling foie gras. That wasn't really what we were looking for."

Bourdain, reached for comment, began with a stream of creative obscenities. "Those f*cking idiots wouldn't know cuisine if it bit them in the ass," he stated. "They've never heard of escargot, and you should've heard it when I suggested adding Pied de Cochon Pané [traditional pig's feet] to the menu. 'We're a theme park,'" he said, mimicking a manager's voice, "'Not a fancy-schmancy New York restaurant.' Jesus, what an idiot."

Six Flags stated that it had plans to replace Bourdain with Emeril Lagasse, who, according to the park, "was really mostly focused on how much money he'd make. He didn't really seem to be too worried about the food -- he just said we should buy a bunch of his cajun seasoning mix and throw that on everything."

New Site o' the Weak: It's the Future!

Thrillrush, featuring a my-god-it-burns-my-eyes design, is presumably proud to be this week's selection for ARN&R's Site o' the Weak.

We note two things: First, the site's producers "have extreme dreams." As a public service, we note to Thrillrush's producers that we, too, have had extreme dreams, and that Tide is a very effective laundry detergent. Second, we commend to you Thrillrush's "Wierd [sic] Types of Future Coasters" page, where you can truly see the future!

Dorney Park To Get Rid Of Her Coolies

Dorney Park issued a press release earlier this week indicating that she was finally getting rid of her coolies opting to replace them with cool new steel drink coasters instead. The enthusiast world has been in quite a tizzy ever since.

Coolies, as all true roller-coaster enthusiasts know, are those totally cool and extremely functional foam aluminum beverage can covers. Not only do they keep your drinks refreshingly chilled even in the longest of Talon lines, but they are also fun to collect and trade with all of your coolie-coveting friends.

ACE member, Margaret "Coolie" Kuptrik worried that Dorney's decision was a sign of more ominous coolie-related closures to come.

"If Dorney decides she doesn't need her coolies anymore, then what's to stop Bone Island Bob and The Professional Hooker from making the same sickening coolie-cutting decision? Before you know it, we coolie enthusiasts will have nowhere left to go to satisfy our coolie cravings. We'll be forced to start wrapping our Tabs and Frescas in aluminum foil again. Oh, what a world," lamented Kuptrik.

Frequent roller coaster newsgroup poster, HerCooliesRoolies, immediately spit out a post to RRC, CoasterBuzz and CCC (CoolieClubCrowd) begging the coolie-loving public to join him in a letter-writing and e-mail protest against Dorney's latest decision.

"We can't let her do this," pleaded HerCooliesRoolies. "We all lose if Dorney Park removes her coolies. Now, don't get me wrong, I like fancy steel drink coasters just as much as the next guy, but isn't there room at Dorney for her coolies and for her new steel drink coasters? I certainly think so, and I hope that you do too. I urge all of you to join me in protest. Send your poorly worded e-mails and essentially illegible letters to Dorney Park today. Together, we can save the coolies," declared HerCooliesRoolies.

In a related story, Scrapoetry.com has assured ARN&R reporters that their version of the coolie is indeed here to stay. We can all certainly be very thankful for that.

--JWS

An Open Letter to Coaster Enthusiasts (from the Lemon Chill Guy)

Dear Coaster Enthusiasts:

I was right after all. Yeah, that was me – I told you that Hercules was coming down. You just rolled your eyes when I told you to ride it while you still could. See? I was right after all! I know that you didn’t believe me when I said that they were gonna taer [sic] it down, but what are you going to do now? Where’s your precious woodie now? Huh? Huh?

So next time that bitch Becky from Dippin’ Dots starts chatting you up about some "tera tera tera" nonsense, remember that it was me, Dairrek - The Lemon Chill Guy, that told you about Hercules coming down in 2003.

In closing, I want you all to know that you can suck it.

Sincerely,


Dairrek Von Benld
Lemon Chill Guy
Dorney Park

--MMS/CSB

Online Forum Participation Proves Safety Conscientiousness

Coaster Enthusiasts scrambled to prove they follow safety regulations by posting to a CoasterBuzz thread on Tuesday. The thread, a response to an editorial post made by Jeff Putz, rocked the online community of enthusiasts, who immediately rushed to prove that other enthusiasts, not frequent CoasterBuzz posters, were responsible for Cedar Fair’s letter to coaster club presidents. That letter suggested that enthusiasts' intentional avoidance of park rules was threatening the availability of events at Cedar Fair parks. Putz's editorial made the shocking suggestion that enthusiasts should act like sensible adults and that a failure to do so could cause harm relations with parks as well as resulting in injury or death.

The phrases “I never” and “I agree” were copied and pasted by at least 25 members within a span of mere hours.

In an exclusive ARN&R interview by e-mail, one anonymous poster explained the rush of posts, expanding the thread to a whopping four pages by press time. “By posting in an online forum to declare that I follow safety rules, and scorn any enthusiast who doesn’t, I am proving my love and allegiance for this fine hobby and making sure nobody thinks it is my fault. Because it's not my fault. I never break the rules and I agree with the people who said it's not our fault.”

Other forum participants agree, adding that ACE members who don’t post online, and who specifically didn’t chime in on the thread, are probably the culprits. “If ACE members aren’t involved enough to spend their days posting in online forums, their love is not true, and therefore makes them the obvious targets of the letters.” said another member. "I never break the rules and I agree with the people who said it's not our fault," the member added.

A small group of enthusiasts are currently working to memorize the profile photos of anyone who did not post to agree with Jeff on the thread, and plan to give those people ‘really dirty looks’ at PPP.

--MMS

ACE Events a Beautiful and Inspiring Example of Diversity

The new issue of ACE News is out, and as its throngs of fans have come to expect, it provides yet another heartwarming example of the diversity of ACE. Throughout the issue, ACE events are painstakingly documented with dozens of photographs, and the rainbow of humanity reminds the reader of the fact that our nation is one grand tapestry, with over 25% of the population being non-white.

ACE News's cover story -- CoasterCon's 25th anniversary, which took place at Busch Gardens Williamsburg and Paramount's Kings Dominion in Virginia -- is a terrific example. While Virginia's population is 19.6% black, the photographs of ACE indicate...um, actually, nobody other than white people. But it does have an extremely tasteful photograph of various ACE members wearing Afro wigs, so we're sure they were thinking about black people! And, of course, we're sure there were some actual African-Americans, Hispanics, and other minorities there. They just didn't happen to make it into any of the 28 pictures featuring Con attendees.

Even in New Mexico, New York, Texas, Georgia -- states with hardly any minority populations at all (34%, 32%, 29%, and 35%, respectively) -- all hosts to ACE events -- ACE's diversity shines through. Again, we're certain there were more than...let's see, we can count these...zero non-white people in attendance. Surely there were.

Reached for comment, the ACE Publications Director pointed out the enormous diversity of facial hair and hairstyles evident in the issue's photographs. "You've got mullets, beards, beards without moustaches, moustaches without beards, and I think we had a neck beard too!"