Enthusiast Has Superb Orgasm

Howard Ferstler, a 50-year-old member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, managed this evening to have an orgasm for the first time in several days. According to Ferstler, this orgasm was amazingly powerful and voluminous. It was also, naturally, the product of self-stimulation.

"I had a horrible weekend," said Ferstler. "I rent a room from this family right down the road from Canobie Lake Park, which enabled me to bring myself explosively to fruition several times every day. I could bash my bald ferret into submission pretty much all morning and afternoon, since the big living room window has a nice view of the dogleg on the Yankee Cannonball just a bit down the street. Also, the people I rent from actually have jobs, so, for many hours each day, that leaves me with a variety of furnitures to sit on, and a wide array of paper products I can choose from when cleaning up the love goo."

Ferstler told ARN&R that the huge New England blizzard created problems for him for several days. "It was horrible," he said. "All that snow, and the high winds. It was a complete mess. I mean, it wasn't a problem for me as far as being in the snow or anything. I don't have a job, I wouldn't be making any coaster trips anyway due to the fact that no parks are open this time of year, and, most importantly, I can order in as much pizza, pork rinds, and biscuit mix as I want online and have it delivered to me. No, my nightmare this weekend was not being able to see Yankee Cannonball at all, which made it really difficult to slap Yul Brynner the high-five!"

The ACEr went on to detail how he had shopped for the perfect house to rent a room from all summer, selecting this one entirely for its "majestic and stimulating view" of one of Ferstler's favorite rides. "From September until last week, I could always see this wonderful bulging mass of wood, and I could reach a climax in mere seconds by doing battle with the purple-headed yogurt slinger, while simultaneously gazing upon the gorgeous Yankee Cannonball form thrusting up into the air, glistening with fresh grease. But then all that snow arrived, and the wind swirled the stuff around, and I couldn't see my beautiful coaster at all for the entire weekend. How on Earth could anyone be expected to adequately bitch-slap their little Sith Lord without a good woodie to stare at?"

Ferstler concluded by issuing forth a stern reprimand to the state of New Hampshire. "I don't approve of all this snow they have up here," he said. "I thought it was a pain to go ten rounds with the one-eyed trouser clown back in Georgia. I mean, the place I rented near Lake Winnepesaukah was only close enough that I had to walk six blocks up to a back fence, where I could stare at their woodie while I choked myself into emission, and I got hauled off to jail a few times for some reason, but at least it pretty much never snowed down there."

"That orgasm I had today while looking at Yankee Cannonball and squeezing my toothpaste from the middle of the tube was pretty damn good, though," Ferstler said, gazing with affection toward Canobie Lake's gates.

--JCK

Check Out These Awesome Roller Coasters

Our new Site O' the Weak is the Eric Kevitz Homepage. Eric's front page has some information about surfing and about Costa Rica, and a nice animated file of Garfield that seems to have no purpose whatsoever. Eric also appears to be strangely fixated on his amazing Ford Taurus.

But just having a lame site about all the exciting specs for your car won't get you nominated for the ARN&R Site O' the Weak. Oh, no. For that honor, a website must suck and also reference the amusement industry in some fashion. Fortunately, Eric has a fantastic Montanas Rusas web page to fulfill our exacting requirements. On this excellent page, visitors can note that the webmaster thinks both Alpengeist and Apollo's Chariot are "awesome roller coasters," while providing a link to stories about these rides at Thrillride.

Yep. That's it.

--JCK

ARN&R Staff Still Alive

We've been receiving an onslaught of mail here at the Absolutely Reliable Mail Room, inquiring whether everything is okay, seeing as we didn't post any material from Wedensday morning until late this afternoon. Well, okay, one person sent an email asking if we were alive. Just one. We can tell how much you care. It's touching, really.

But yes, we are fine. One of the editors is still busying himself with work down in the sumptious glory of Mississippi, while the other one was just in Vermont for the last several days, with his car buried under snow drifts as tall as him, blockaded by a veritable wall of nature from getting to any public computers and amusing the snowbound masses with witty articles about gravy and masturbation. Or something.

But we can only be restrained for so long. The Editor in Chief left a nice new article for you today, and the Assistant Editor is back in force as of late this evening. And he'll be trying to find a way to write an amusement park story that also includes a scathing missive about how much Vermont sucks moist donkey balls when it comes to keeping its stupid highways sanded and plowed properly.

--JCK

Stengel Hall of Fame Cap Announcement Upcoming

The amusement industry will be looking on with great anticipation this Friday, as the International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions (IAAPA) will announce which team cap Werner Stengel's plaque will bear when he is inducted into the IAAPA Hall of Fame later this season.

Fans of amusement rides everywhere were ecstatic with the announcement, at this year's IAAPA in November, that Stengel had received the requisite number of votes from the Amusement Writers Association of America (AWAA), meaning the veteran designer would finally receive the recognition many feel he deserves by having his plaque hung in the Mighty Hall of Designers.

"The Wernster should have been in the Hall long ago," said ESPN's Trey Wingo, a Stengel supporter. "I can't believe it took six years of eligibility for this giant figure in the world of amusement rides to be voted in by the writers. But at least he did get in, and he should bask in the glow of a fulfilling career."

Somewhat tainting the thrill of seeing Stengel inducted was the flap created earlier this week, when the designer told reporters he "would not show up for the induction ceremony unless I go in as an Intamin player." This apparently stems both from Stengel's love of the organization where he made much of his good name and most superior designs, as well as the hatred he has for his former organization, the Boston Red Sox.

"Stengel felt that he had given many years of outstanding professional service to the Sox, designing through pain and loyally sticking it out through tough years," notes Wingo. "But then former General Manager Dan Duquette refused to make Stengel an offer to stay on, calling him 'washed up,' 'in the twilight of his career,' and 'venturing into Toomer territory.' Stengel felt the Sox were disrespecting him and he's never forgiven them for it. I feel sorry for the flap that's been created by Wernie's comments, but I can't say I blame him."

The IAAPA Hall of Fame has the final say in what cap inductees are pictured wearing on their caps. The announcement of the final design of Stengel’s Hall of Fame plaque comes this Friday at 3:00 PM, while the Hall of Fame inductions will actually take place on December 18th.

--JCK

Welcome!

Hope all you "wedgie photos" fans found what you were looking for.

X Declared Art

Six Flags Magic Mountain has proudly announced that its revolutionary roller coaster, X, has been designated a work of art by the National Foundation for the Humanities.

Vladimir Glasnow, spokesman for the NFH, said the decision was an easy one for the renowned organization to make. "We have several criteria we apply to objects that we are considering," he said. "First, it must be revolutionary. This gravity device certainly is that. Second, it must have tremendous visual impact. Naturally, anyone who has seen the remarkable color scheme of this device and its innovative use of curvilinear patterns will agree that there is nothing in the world quite like it. Thirdly, a work of art must bring the viewer closer to a sense of spirituality. Certainly, everyone who had ridden this device has claimed to have experienced nirvana."

Kieran Burke, President of Six Flags Corporation, was clearly pleased with the designation. "Six Flags prides itself on innovation. We are honored that such a distinguished organization has recognized our leadership in providing a quality experience for our guests."

This is the first time an amusement device has been declared a work of art. Alan Schilke, the designer of the ride that was built by S & S Power, Inc., of Logan, Utah, remarked, "We in the industry have known all along that there is an inherent beauty in any well-designed ride. Since X is probably the only thing I will ever be known for in my life, I'm glad that my genius has been acknowledged."

Melanie Craft, a longtime member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, the largest roller coaster group in the world, was extremely pleased. "ACE worked long and hard to bring this coaster to the attention of the NFH. Maintenance costs have been so high that we were afraid the ride would be torn down. Since it doesn't operate too often, many ACErs would never get a chance to ride it. By having it designated a work of art, Six Flags can know that there's enormous value in having hundreds of tons of gorgeous pink and yellow iron just sitting there quietly for people to admire."

The NFH has recommended that a full-scale replica of the ride be housed in the Smithsonian Institute. Six Flags Magic Mountain generously offered to give the Smithsonian its actual ride, if the museum would pay for the dismantling and transport.

"This is an extremely generous offer," said the Institute's marketing director Beryl Handy. "However, due to space restrictions we probably could only take one of the trains that they never use."

When asked whether any other amusement rides might be considered for recognition by the NFH, Glasnow responded, "X is an exception, certainly unique in the world. But we wouldn't rule it out." Craft had her own nomination: "Chance Toboggan's are dope! The sinuous trackage and the retro-50s look make them a shoe-in!"

--JRD

Why Do You Hate My Eyes?

Yes, it's Site O' the Weak time again, kiddies. And this week we celebrate Anthony's Wildwood Boardwalk Super Site. Before viewing this website, be sure you know exactly where everything is in your house or apartment, because your eyes will completely shut down and refuse to process any information for a good three hours upon witnessing this site, just to spite you for your insolence.

We're pretty sure that a front page written in lime green, with blinky yellow things separating sections of text, is a really bad idea. We're also fairly certain that most people would frown upon the monstrous combination of green and blue text over black background and graphics to the left side of the page. And also the abundance of flashing, glowing, and rotating items. And, heck, maybe even the "Midway Pier" section written in blood red over a vibrant magenta background. But maybe not...it is a "SUPER" site, after all.

Alert readers with no fear of retinal scarring will note the following instructions: "Please do not copy, or use the photos or graphics from this site!" No worries, mate. No worries.

--JCK

Six Flags Corporation Enters Deal with Homeland Security

In an unprecedented move, Six Flags Corporation has announced an exclusive contract with the United States government, specifically the Department of Homeland Security, to take charge of the detainees at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. In recent months U.S. relations with the tiny communist country have been strained, and the military had been looking for another place to house the suspected terrorists.

Six Flags came to the rescue yesterday by announcing that it would house all of the nearly 600 detainees at Six Flags America in Largo, Maryland. "We figured with the government trying to privatize everything from transportation to education, the time was ripe for one of America's most prominent business to help in the war on terrorism," said the park's Operations Manager Jeremiah Charmichael. "We have the perfect setting right here for detaining people indefinitely."

More impressive is that the park will remain open to the public during the normal season. "This should be a great opportunity to increase Park throughput," Charmichael claimed. "We'll have the detainees caged on a platform near our popular Superman roller coaster. Our guests will be encouraged to show their true American colors by jeering at the helpless prisoners, hurling insults and spitting upon them." Charmichael smiled. "There's nothing more American than inflicting misery onto others. Six Flags prides itself in being a world leader in this area."

To insure that neighboring communities are safe from any security threat, Charmichael said that the corporation will need only a modest investment in razor wire to surround the park grounds. S&S Power, Inc., has been contracted to build four observation towers where specially trained Six Flags security officers will stand guard with high-powered rifles.

"We want to stress," continued Charmichael, "that guests will continue to experience the same quality and safe Six Flags experience that they've come to expect at our park."

After the park has closed to the public, government agents will arrive to resume interrogating the detainees. "Some of their methods have not been as effective as they would have liked," stated Charmichael, referring to the agents. "We here at Six Flags America are in a unique position to offer serious persuasion to the detainees."

Uncooperative detainees will be able to experience the park's Mind Eraser for twelve hours non-stop. Other persuasion devices at the park include the Rodeo, Riddle Me This and the Octopus. "The possibilities are endless!" said a beaming Charmichael.

"Can you imagine what progress we'd make on the war on terror if we placed a detainee on Two Face for hours on end sitting opposite two ACE members who just had an all-you-can-eat buffet? I'm no military expert, but I'd say we'd have this war on terror licked in no time!" Additionally, the detainees will not be allowed to purchase Fast Passes to board the rides.

"They'll have to wait in line like everyone else. The two-hour queues will give them time to think about their actions and repent the error of their ways."

For its contribution, Six Flags Corporation will be eligible to receive matching government funds to assist in its ride relocation programs.

"It's a win-win situation all around," Charmichael proclaimed. "The United States asserts its status as a world leader in the fight against terrorism, and Six Flags continues its proud tradition of providing unique guest experiences."

--JRD

Special Holiday Rerun

There might be plenty of updates over the next two or three days here, but considering the strong possibility of certain ARN&R editors being in Mississippi and certain other ones spending most of the rest of the week either intoxicated or in the midst of a savage food coma, we figured we'd give you a special rerun just in case.

Enthusiast Has Wretched Holiday

According to self-described “coasterholic” Pete Brody, 28, his Thanksgiving holiday with his family was “a complete waste.” The jobless member of ACE, Coaster Zombies, and nearly a dozen online coaster clubs, failed “miserably” in his efforts to direct the Thanksgiving conversation to amusement parks and roller coasters.

“You’d think we might talk about something interesting when the whole fam gets together,” whined Brody. “I even did some things to stimulate conversation about my interests, like leaving the computer’s browser on Thrillnetwork, wearing my European Coaster Odyssey t-shirt to dinner, and leaving 20 or 30 onboard coaster photos lying around, but it didn’t work.”

Brody was most upset that his family seemed more interested in the “stupid crap” that his siblings had been involved in. His older brother Michael is an advertising executive who recently became engaged to an Olympic gymnast, his sister Cynthia placed second in the Van Cliburn Piano Competition, and his other sister Marcia just returned from a two-year Peace Corps mission helping to provide medical care for disease-ravaged Ugandans.

“I do important things, too,” declared Brody. “I mean, I rode my 242nd coaster on the Coaster Odyssey…a really good SLC. I make lots of important posts to ThemeParkCritic.com that everyone says are really good. I send off a job application a couple times a year, mostly to S&S and Intamin for design positions. And I came all the way here just to be with my family, so you’d think they could notice me,” the exasperated enthusiast stated, waving his hand toward the basement steps in his parents’ house, which he had successfully negotiated all the way from his well-worn mattress up to the first floor.

“Did anyone care what I think about CCI shutting down? Did anyone ask about my top ten suspended coasters? Did a single family member inquire whether I’d enjoy modeling my newly monogrammed ACE jacket for them? No, no, and no. We have to go on for hours about piano recitals and wedding arrangements. And especially Marcia’s dumb thing in Africa. There aren’t even any coasters in Africa! But Marcia’s always been their favorite, the little goody two shoes. It’s not fair.”

“Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!” Brody added in a hysterical wail.

--JCK

You Got to our Website HOW????!?!?!?!?!?

As our loyal reader knows by now, we have a great time checking our stat logs to see how people blundered into actually viewing ARN&R (generally it's because they were searching for something to whack off to, be it naked starlets or Top Thrill Dragster photographs). Amongst the rather standard fare, we found two examples today that were particularly stunning:

-One person located us yesterday by asking Jeeves about "Jessica Alba dissociative disorder," whatever the heck that is. Is this some bizarre new psychological condition? Is it catching? Most importantly, does it involve Jessica Alba parading around in our apartment naked?

-As you may be aware, we're quite popular with people searching for "Paris Hilton crotch" on the internet, but who would have thought we'd manage to get hits from people who want to see Paris Hilton's crotch, but can't even spell her name right. Well, we don't judge people here. All of you people with questionable taste, and even you people with questionable taste who can't spell "Hilton" correctly are welcome here at ARN&R!

--JCK