RCT3 to Feature New Six Flags Simulation

ARN&R has received an alpha copy of the new three-dimensional Rollercoaster Tycoon 3 and can exclusively reveal some of the features of the updated game.

Most notable is the expanded branding with Six Flags. In addition to coming with rides from actual Six Flags parks, several scenarios will give players the experience of managing a park in the chain. For example, the Six Flags New England scenario will allow for exactly one great ride but no more and players will randomly experience millions of gallons of raw sewage being rained upon the park. Bonus points will be given for each park employee that vomits on a guest. Similarly, the Six Flags Astroworld scenario will permit the installation of rides only after they have been installed and run into the ground in other Six Flags scenarios. Finally, the Six Flags Magic Mountain scenario will provide for enormous and ride-filled parks but permit the hiring of exactly eighteen people to operate the entire park, ten of whom are drunk.

Though not yet in the alpha version, game developer Chris Sawyer is reportedly considering identifying a miniscule proportion of parks' virtual guests as enthusiasts. These guests will demand constant attention from the player, insisting that the parks add millions of dollars of new rides, while spending virtually no money in the park, instead relying on season passes and the storage of coolers filled with cold fried chicken in their cars. Sawyer's only hesitation is showing the enthusiasts in the improved and three-dimensional graphics, fearing that doing so could endanger the game's family-friendly ratings.

Woo! Woo! Woo! Site O' the Weak! Woo! Woo!

Team Woo. An irritating sound (don't turn your speakers up too loud on the opening page), a concept, a business venture, and, primarily, a collection of monster coaster tools who pretty much just go around parks wearing geeky T-shirts and yelling "Woo!" in an obnoxious fashion.

According to the webmasters, Team Woo:

is a group of roller coaster riding enthusiasts and the Woo (as you probably heard when you entered this website) is the noise that we make. Sure, we make other noises too, but the Woo is the primary tool that we use to excite a crowd waiting in line. Team Woo travels to various theme parks and Woos at the people in line, and they tend to Woo back at us. You give a woo, you get a woo...it's a give and take relationship.

Thank you, Team Woo, for doing your best to make theme parks and the general public think coaster enthusiasts are complete and utter wankers.

Bear witness to the awesome leaders of Team Woo. Learn the exciting history of Team Woo. Witness a massive collection of truly horrifying pictures of Team Woo in action at various amusement parks. However, we strongly advise not viewing the disturbing picture of the boys in the restroom, probably giving their own little Woos a pounding. That sort of thing will make your palms hairy and your eyesight fail, kids.

And don't forget to fork over twenty bucks and purchase a Woo T-shirt, so that you, too, can look like a complete and utter tool in your local amusement park! Pick from slogans like the following:

I Came, I Saw, I Wooed
Wooin' From Womb to Tomb
Eat Sleep Woo
Got Woo?

Woo it up with Team Woo, this week's ARN&R Site O' the Weak.

--JCK

Enthusiasts Gear Up for Solace 2K4!

Across the country, coaster enthusiasts are preparing for one of the first coaster events of the year, Knott’s Solace gathering. Jeremy Geisteskrank of Hobart, Indiana, is having trouble packing. “I can’t decide on whether to bring my Beast T-Shirt, my Beast knit polo, or my Beast chambray shirt,” the confused 34 year old said. “It’s a real wardrobe dilemma.”

Others are excited to meet up with friends. Michelle Traurig, 22, is flying into Los Angeles on Thursday to have a special dinner with some online pals she’ll be meeting for the first time. “Maybe WoodieFreak and I will have the same chemistry in person that we do on RRC,” she said hopefully in an interview via AOL Instant Messenger.

While love connections have been made in previous years, event organizers have been careful to warn people not to engage in behavior that could lead to sexual harassment -- and many enthusiasts won’t be wearing promiscuous clothing or anything that would make them sexually attractive to other enthusiasts. “You never know if these guys are drooling from the ERT or from your baby doll “Airtime Whore” shirt,” said one female enthusiast. “It’s easier not to risk it.”

We at ARN&R wish all enthusiasts a great Solace weekend -- and watch out, you never know when the person next to you in the buffet line is a member of our crack investigative team -- so behave yourselves!

--MMS

Hungover Theme Park Executive Realizes He Greenlit Monster-Themed Dark Ride

"Oh god, I feel like death."

That's how Paramount Parks Vice President for Ride Development Joe Odenkirk started the day in his West Hollywood hotel room after attending what he described as "one hell of a [post-Oscars] party" hosted by Vanity Fair. And his day didn't get any better as the calls started rolling in on his cell phone.

First up was Bob Berney, head of indie film studio Newmarket Films, enthusiastically talking about how he and Odenkirk needed to "do lunch" to go over the "concept drawings" that Berney said they'd drawn up the night before. Odenkirk muttered vaguely, "Uh...yeah, we should do that."

Then actress Charlize Theron's agent called saying he was looking forward to the $2 million payment Odenkirk had signed a contract for in order to allow for the usage of Theron's image. Odenkirk, still confused, again murmured some form of assent as he reached for his Aleve.

And then, as he started his third cup of coffee with a still-pounding headache, Odenkirk realized it: He had approved a $20-million dark ride based on the Newmarket Films production Monster, featuring Theron as a Florida prostitute/serial killer. Worse, he had promised -- in writing -- that it would replace the Scooby Doo-themed dark rides at every Paramount amusement park.

Though details were unclear in his mind, Odenkirk did remember that the planned ride would include explicit violence and sexual content, along with Sally Corp.'s patented technology permitting riders to join Theron's character in shooting trucker johns, at least half of whom were expected to appear fully nude.

"Holy shit, what was I thinking?" Odenkirk said to himself as he swallowed a handful of Ex-Lax. "It must have been after that third cranberry Cosmopolitan, or maybe it was when we were into the mojitas."

At press time, Odenkirk was trying to decide between claiming that he had been hypnotized when he agreed to the ride and bullheadedly insisting that it was actually a good idea. It was believed to be Odenkirk's worst drunken ride approval since his signing of a contract for retheming Paramount King's Island's train ride based on Schindler's List.

Perform Your Civic Duty

As it was in 2003, ARN&R has been nominated this year for Site of the Year in the Coasterbuzz Coasters' Choice Awards. In celebration of this achievement, we lazily present to you the exact same message we printed last year upon hearing of that nomination. It all still applies. The links even still work and everything. And remember, Coasterbuzzers, if you fail to vote for ARN&R, and we feel obligated to make fun of CB forum topics instead of converting to our "happy fluffy warm fuzzy fun" format as punishment, you have only yourselves to blame.

ARN&R Nominated for Site of the Year, Promises to Stop Making Fun of CoasterBuzz Members

ARN&R was nominated for Site of the Year at CoasterBuzz. And you are wholeheartedly encouraged to go vote for us, but we expressly do not encourage you to, for example, clear your browser's cache and cookies after visiting so as to circumvent the voting mechanism's anti-ballot-box-stuffing provisions and be able to vote for us twice, or, worse, several dozen times, because that would be wrong. Don't do that. We certainly wouldn't suggest that we would buy a round of drinks for our entire readership if such an event occurred and we were to win the actual award.

In completely unrelated news, ARN&R has promised to stop making fun of the semiliterate participants in CoasterBuzz's forums. "Why, even if someone there -- like, say, XFan -- falls for one of our stories and declares that the site is run by a couple of drunks, we're still not going to make fun," said ARN&R's Chief Insult Policy Officer. "Why, even if someone -- again, say, someone like XFan -- sends us an e-mail suggesting something along the same lines, we won't do anything like post it on the site, opening him up to repeated mockery."

The policy change has nothing to do with the nomination, according to ARN&R's Public Relations Department. Rather, said the CIPO, "We just think it's time to start being more positive. Warm fuzzies work better than cold pricklies."

Starting soon, ARN&R is expected to switch formats to nothing but amusement park employees' favorite recipes and reviews of the best amusement park souvenirs.

ACE Hires New Remedial Spelling Consultant

The American Coaster Enthusiasts (ACE) recently faced another of their myriad of public relations gaffes when it was revealed that large numbers of its executive committee and publications writers and editors were severely deficient in basic spelling. The shocking news came to light with the most recent issue of ACE News, which featured an article covering this past November's International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions (IAAPA) Trade Show.

In the article, the ACE booth at the show was described as having a "prime location," clear proof that the organization was in attendance as an exhibitor. Yet, a mere paragraph before, the article claimed the following: "Exhibitors ran the alphabetical gamut, from Amusement Today to Zierer." Puzzlingly, ACE either entirely forgot it was at the trade show, or failed to realize that the alphabetical gamut actually went, at the very least, from ACE to Zierer.

Fortunately, ACE has realized its problem, and has just announced the hiring of an expert who can assist prominent ACE leaders and editors with their ABC difficulties: Barney.

"Whoa, heidi-hoodily-doodily!" screamed the giant purple dinosaur, twirling and jumping in the air for emphasis. "The Alphabet is fun, fun, fun!" He then reached down and suggestively massaged Baby Bop's groin.

"Barney is so awesome!" said one ACE editor. "I always thought 'Amusement Today' came before 'American Coaster Enthusiasts' or 'ACE' when you arrange things alphabetically! But now I know that, when one wants things to be done according to alphabetical gamut, then either 'ACE' or 'American Coaster Enthusiasts' would actually come before 'Amusement Today.' Score!"

A spokesman for Barney indicated that the Purple One hoped to have all major ACE personalities knowing their alphabet within a week or two, but he felt that "working on the 'its-it's problem' was a "bit too advanced" and not "fun-de-dun-ton-fun" at this time.

--JCK

Bow to Your New Master

It's pretty audacious to call yourself The Roller Coaster God. Even if one were spectacularly knowledgeable about roller coasters, or had written major dissertations on them, or had ridden more of them than any other human, the title is more than a little presumptuous. For instance, Robert Cartmell, Bob Coker, and Scott Rutherford have all written excellent books about coasters, yet all have had the good taste not to refer to themselves as "gods," "high exalted poobahs," or even "minor assistant Ancient Scandinavian deities." For crying out loud, even Paul Ruben doesn't call himself "The Roller Coaster God." Well, not in public, anyway.

Of course, some enthusiasts are bolder. However, when one of them develops a website that has approximately 437 links, and only about three of them actually work, then his claim to be "The Roller Coaster God" is unlikely to be seen as credible. His claim to the title of Roller Coaster God is also substantially hindered by his decision to note when his hopeless disaster of a website was "last Perfected" instead of "updated," and by offering these words of wisdom, which we reprint exactly as they appear on the front page of Roller Coaster God's site:

Welcome to God's Play Toy's. Designed by "The Future of Roller Coasters". It's that time of year again where all the theme parks are in FULL SWING for all us coaster enthusiast to enjoy the parks! Enjoy all of the information, pics, and tons of other things I have to offer!! -RollerCoasterGod

Please pick up your consolation surprises backstage, Roller Coaster God.

Oh, and, by the way, you just became the ARN&R Site O' the Weak.

--JCK

Magic Springs Gets Alcohol Permit, Now Hoping for Gun and Chaw Permits

Magic Springs Amusement Park, located outside Hot Springs, Arkansas, recently announced that it had received a permit to sell beer and wine at its restaurants. The permit approval was considered a significant win for the park, especially as previous efforts had been rejected.

Less well-known are the park's future permitting plans. Park associate manager Ray Abney told ARN&R of the plans in an exclusive interview. "We's plannin' t'apply fer permits t'sell an' carry guns, 'specially six-shooters, an' to gets a permit allerin' us t'require ev'ry employee t'have a cheek full of chaw at all moments. We reckon this hyar will he'p help our park's sophisticated image even more, y'all!"

Researchers indicate that the park's efforts to allow widespread carrying of "six-shooters," both among guests and employees, and to require chewing tobacco usage among all employees are unprecedented in the modern era of amusement parks. "You have to go back to [defunct Arkansas park] Dogpatch USA to find a park that's embracing its heritage this enthusiastically," said amusement park historian Andy Sanders. "Even if it is a hick moron heritage that's only allowed for the state to be 49th-best at just about anything you can think of."

If the permits are granted, Magic Springs has reportedly looked into pursuing an exemption from the Equal Protection Clause of the U.S. Constitution to allow for short-term slavery, in addition to a possible effort to permit in-park weddings among relatives, including siblings.

Disney Promises to Remake Muppets

Disney announced this week that it would acquire the rights to the Muppets characters, developed by Jim Henson, and it promised big changes.

"All that irony and humor that was so great in The Muppet Show, aiming above the four-year-old set? Gone," said spokesman Chad Munsinger. "We'll give those puppets some big creepy-ass eyes, put all the girls in princess dresses, and take out anything that might be considered remotely appealing to adults. We'll add in some hideous songs -- roughly half sung by Phil Collins to auto-generated ballad music, the other half sung in a piercing falsetto -- and blast the songs at approximately 110 decibels at every possible opportunity. It'll be great!"

Recalling the days when The Muppet Show and Muppets Tonight would feature quirky guest stars such as Prince, Phyllis Diller, Vincent Price, and Arlo Guthrie, Munsinger indicated that those days were long gone. "We're all about synergy now. If we have a Muppet television show, you'll be seeing other Disney characters and ABC personalities -- like maybe Barbara Walters. That'd be a hoot!"

Reports indicate that the Swedish Chef will be barred from all Disney properties ("too scary and insensitive to our Swedish guests") and that Bert and Ernie will only be seen during Gay Days. Gonzo will appear but will no longer have a romantic interest in chickens. And Animal will be replaced by a slightly rough-looking "but hot" twenty-something drummer "aimed at the tweener set."


[Ed. Note: Yes, we know Bert & Ernie aren't part of the deal since they were sold to CTW a ways back, so settle down and send us bizarre e-mails about something else.]

ACE Election Season Gears Up

With the elections for ACE leadership positions coming up this year, candidates have begun to make themselves known, walking the campaign trail, making speeches, and developing important policies related to how ACE members should express their quite important coaster-loving hobby.

Two potential ACE officers made their pitch to the public recently on rec.roller-coaster. Sam Marks presented his qualifications for being ACE Treasurer with his highly unorthodox system for the computation of why this year's CoasterCon is an exceptional value. Essentially, Marks' method favorably compares the actual cost of the aptly-named Con with a computation that calculates what the cost of the equivalent number of days visiting the parks would be, assuming the visit to the parks was made by a complete and utter moron who was unaware that "season passes" exist. Most of the population has been swayed by Marks to agree that they were wrong, and in reality the Con fee is quite affordable for normal people who do not possess a substantial inheritance.

In the same forum thread, Rastus O' Ginga restates his intent to run for president of ACE, admitting that, while Carole Sanderson has done a good job of taking all his alleged advice, he will still run for her office under the platforms of claiming sole credit for any good idea ever concocted by ACE and convincing everyone that "homophobia is so cool."

Although current ACE Secretary Jeff Siefert failed to contribute any profound thoughts to the rec.roller-coaster thread, he assured ARN&R in a private interview that he will seek re-election to the same office on a campaign pledge to "defend racially insensitive jokes in our publications, trash any filthy garbage ACE members for voicing their opinions anywhere if they disagree with mine, and generally continue fighting against the common scum ACE members who aren't on the ACE Executive Committee, since their pathetic opinions don't matter at all."

--JCK