Legoland California Receives Unexpected Units
Tim Johanson, Legoland California’s General Manager, wasn’t sure what to make of his most recent shipment. Monday morning, his park got a truckload full of gigantic dildos. They were plastic penises of all sizes, some with balls and some with a simple shaft.
“I have never seen anything quite like a 4-foot penis,” Johanson said as he stood in awe. “I mean, that is just one gigantic pecker. Jesus, that’s big.”
After returning to his office Johanson tracked down the mix-up. In May he ordered additional theming supplies for the park’s new Dino Island section. The exhibit was to be called Dino-Rama, but apparently some sloppy note taking resulted in the arrival of sex apparel for a new Dildo-Rama section.
Tina Adams, one of the proprietors of Good Vibrations, a nationally known adult toy store, said she felt the order was a bit odd when she got the call from Roger Roberts, the head of the consulting group brought in by LegoLand. “I was wondering why a guy would call and talk about theming with me, but an order is an order. I can build dildos any size a customer needs. We just never thought we would mold a penis fit for Queen Kong. I thought about asking someone if we were doing the right thing, but since Southern California is the porn capital of the country I thought they were building a new kind of theme park.”
Back at Legoland Johanson tried to fit the dildos into the scenery. “We used them as palm trees, we made them into warriors’ spears and even created a stegosaurus out of dildos. Sure, it was fun to see kids playing on the ‘Dildosaurus’ but some of the parents got apprehensive. I guess they just don’t think a child speeding down a 10-foot dong is good wholesome fun. It’s not like they were in any danger -- the balls gently stopped the kids at the bottom of the slide.”
One of the most ingenious applications was turning an ejaculating penis into a Whitewater West Rain Fortress, but the park had to take it out because it only “poured water” once every few hours on a good day.
Despite the bizarre application the large one-eyed trouser snakes got some kudos from the amusement industry. The park won a Golden Ticket Award for “Best Use Of A Choad” and insightful industry veteran Paul Ruben called the display “simply breathtaking.”
Johanson looks forward to future installations but says he will watch over things with a closer eye. “I think we’ll have to be a little more careful with 2005’s new planned 4-d show ‘Fun With Felines,’” the tired GM said.
--FMB
Friday, September 03, 2004
Dark Ride Electrocuted Guy To Be Replaced
Dark ride manufacturers across the country announced yesterday that Electrocuted Guy, appearing in virtually every dark ride in the nation, will immediately be replaced by an animatronic Sen. Zell Miller (D-GA).
"Man, we watched that dude at the Republican National Convention, and he was just batshit crazy," said Sally Rides spokesman Mark Gaudio. "My dog was cowering in the corner whimpering and my eight-year-old hasn't slept in the 36 hours since the speech. He just keeps muttering, 'Those eyes! Those terrible eyes!'"
Gaudio said that Sally technicians were already hard at work with what he called "the most challenging stunt we've ever tackled." Among the difficulties are creating enough facial expressions to recreate Miller's complex facial contortions while ensuring that his hands do not move more than a centimeter. Gaudio confided that the company is considering adding slight bits of foam at the corners of Miller's mouth.
Miller, who as a nominal Democrat was considered a coup for the Republican convention, is also being considered by a number of companies that create Halloween events. "We're considering dumping Brutal Planet and just doing Zell Hell," said Six Flags spokeswoman Wendy Reidster. "Room after room of him. Especially if we have video of him back when he said John Kerry was an 'authentic hero' and 'a good friend' playing in the queue. That'll really mess with people!"
ARN&R was unable to confirm reports that Miller was in negotiations with Universal to become the new mascot for Halloween Horror Nights at the company's Orlando parks.
Dark ride manufacturers across the country announced yesterday that Electrocuted Guy, appearing in virtually every dark ride in the nation, will immediately be replaced by an animatronic Sen. Zell Miller (D-GA).
"Man, we watched that dude at the Republican National Convention, and he was just batshit crazy," said Sally Rides spokesman Mark Gaudio. "My dog was cowering in the corner whimpering and my eight-year-old hasn't slept in the 36 hours since the speech. He just keeps muttering, 'Those eyes! Those terrible eyes!'"
Gaudio said that Sally technicians were already hard at work with what he called "the most challenging stunt we've ever tackled." Among the difficulties are creating enough facial expressions to recreate Miller's complex facial contortions while ensuring that his hands do not move more than a centimeter. Gaudio confided that the company is considering adding slight bits of foam at the corners of Miller's mouth.
Miller, who as a nominal Democrat was considered a coup for the Republican convention, is also being considered by a number of companies that create Halloween events. "We're considering dumping Brutal Planet and just doing Zell Hell," said Six Flags spokeswoman Wendy Reidster. "Room after room of him. Especially if we have video of him back when he said John Kerry was an 'authentic hero' and 'a good friend' playing in the queue. That'll really mess with people!"
ARN&R was unable to confirm reports that Miller was in negotiations with Universal to become the new mascot for Halloween Horror Nights at the company's Orlando parks.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
The Chain That Cried Wolf
In a unique twist, Six Flags executives have found their nuts swinging in the wind due to telling the truth.
“Ever since we bought Six Flags we have used ‘bad weather’ as an excuse for declining attendance,” said Kieran Burke, Six Flags CEO. “But this year it is true. A lot of parks have actually had rain...a lot of rain.”
Granted, Six Flags parks still have pay-to-cut programs, filthy bathrooms and rides that aren’t ready to open until 3 pm, but this year Mother Nature was a real bitch to the international amusement park chain.
“Nya, we have had a lot of water this year,” said Bugs Bunny, one of the chain’s contracted mascots. “All of the people using their twenty dollar season passes had a hard time coming to see me,” noted the waskily wabbit as he downed a fifth of Jack.
Burke said that every year the bad weather excuse has worked, but this year he very felt reluctant to whip it out again. “Our investors are pretty dumb, but I didn’t think they would buy the same excuse for yet another year,” he opined.
As this author writes, groups of General Mangers are creating new excuses for low attendance, such as:
- Herpes Spread by Toilets
- Roving White Suburban Gangs (That Listen to the Black Man’s Music)
- Fears That Al-Qaida Infiltrated the Falafel Stand
- Whores & Crack Addicts in the Gotham City Sewer System
Tempers and anxiety are rearing their ugly heads at the Oklahoma City headquarters. Empty packets of Immodium AD and Pepto-Bismol are strewn about on the floor and just last week two secretaries started bitch slapping one another for no apparent reason.
But Burke, holed away with his calculator and budgets, didn’t appear worried. He quietly said, “We’ve had no profits since we started this company. Why start now?”
--FMB
In a unique twist, Six Flags executives have found their nuts swinging in the wind due to telling the truth.
“Ever since we bought Six Flags we have used ‘bad weather’ as an excuse for declining attendance,” said Kieran Burke, Six Flags CEO. “But this year it is true. A lot of parks have actually had rain...a lot of rain.”
Granted, Six Flags parks still have pay-to-cut programs, filthy bathrooms and rides that aren’t ready to open until 3 pm, but this year Mother Nature was a real bitch to the international amusement park chain.
“Nya, we have had a lot of water this year,” said Bugs Bunny, one of the chain’s contracted mascots. “All of the people using their twenty dollar season passes had a hard time coming to see me,” noted the waskily wabbit as he downed a fifth of Jack.
Burke said that every year the bad weather excuse has worked, but this year he very felt reluctant to whip it out again. “Our investors are pretty dumb, but I didn’t think they would buy the same excuse for yet another year,” he opined.
As this author writes, groups of General Mangers are creating new excuses for low attendance, such as:
- Herpes Spread by Toilets
- Roving White Suburban Gangs (That Listen to the Black Man’s Music)
- Fears That Al-Qaida Infiltrated the Falafel Stand
- Whores & Crack Addicts in the Gotham City Sewer System
Tempers and anxiety are rearing their ugly heads at the Oklahoma City headquarters. Empty packets of Immodium AD and Pepto-Bismol are strewn about on the floor and just last week two secretaries started bitch slapping one another for no apparent reason.
But Burke, holed away with his calculator and budgets, didn’t appear worried. He quietly said, “We’ve had no profits since we started this company. Why start now?”
--FMB
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
"More Appropriate" New Mascots Debut at Disney
Visitors to Disney parks around the globe today were surprised to find that every one of Disney's legendary park mascots had been removed from the parks. Replacing them were a number of new characters designed, in the words of one Disney representative, "to better display our company's wholesome, family-friendly image in the most appropriate way possible."
"While we are already receiving some complaints from visitors about how they always wanted to meet and greet with Pooh or Mickey or Goofy, we're sure that everyone will come to love our new special characters in no time," said the rep. "Our main concerns were that the old characters were getting boring and stagnant, and, more importantly, that there was a perception that some of the characters were unwholesome.
"Although it was proven that Tigger didn't touch anyone inappropriately, there are always these rumors about Mickey getting drunk and Minnie whoring herself out in the parking lot after Illuminations. That sort of thing. These new mascots are far more appropriate for theme parks aimed at children."
The new "ringmaster" and central mascot for Disney, taking over from Mickey, will be Satan. Character actors dressed as Lucifer will stake out the entrance plazas at each park.
"Everyone loves Satan," said the rep. "This morning, all the parents and children have been screaming with delight as this fun-loving character threatens to drag them to hell and eat their still-beating hearts in front of them while their flesh slowly boils and maggots burrow through their brains."
"People have responded particularly well to Safari Satan at Animal Kingdom," he added.
But Satan is not the only child-friendly figure appearing at the revamped parks. Chucky, Iron Maiden's Eddie, Prom-Night Carrie and the Stephen King's It will all wander the parks giving autographs and engaging in wacky fun with youngsters. And, in a logical move, the former Mickey's Toontown Fair and other official character greet areas will be converted to Frank the Bunny's Apocalyptic Visions of the Future Character Breakfast Area.
"Nothing screams 'adorable' like the giant, demonic rabbit from Donnie Darko," said the Disney rep. "The kids'll love it. The kids'll just love it."
The rep also admitted that other mascots were considered. "We were really leaning toward using Corey Haim and Corey Feldman," he notes, "and we wouldn't have to even hire people to portray them, since they probably could use the work. But ultimately we thought they might be a little scary for some of the younger children who visit Disney parks."
The rep refused to comment on whether Pamela Anderson or Michael Jackson were still in contract negotiations with Disney to join the new group of mascots.
--JCK
Visitors to Disney parks around the globe today were surprised to find that every one of Disney's legendary park mascots had been removed from the parks. Replacing them were a number of new characters designed, in the words of one Disney representative, "to better display our company's wholesome, family-friendly image in the most appropriate way possible."
"While we are already receiving some complaints from visitors about how they always wanted to meet and greet with Pooh or Mickey or Goofy, we're sure that everyone will come to love our new special characters in no time," said the rep. "Our main concerns were that the old characters were getting boring and stagnant, and, more importantly, that there was a perception that some of the characters were unwholesome.
"Although it was proven that Tigger didn't touch anyone inappropriately, there are always these rumors about Mickey getting drunk and Minnie whoring herself out in the parking lot after Illuminations. That sort of thing. These new mascots are far more appropriate for theme parks aimed at children."
The new "ringmaster" and central mascot for Disney, taking over from Mickey, will be Satan. Character actors dressed as Lucifer will stake out the entrance plazas at each park.
"Everyone loves Satan," said the rep. "This morning, all the parents and children have been screaming with delight as this fun-loving character threatens to drag them to hell and eat their still-beating hearts in front of them while their flesh slowly boils and maggots burrow through their brains."
"People have responded particularly well to Safari Satan at Animal Kingdom," he added.
But Satan is not the only child-friendly figure appearing at the revamped parks. Chucky, Iron Maiden's Eddie, Prom-Night Carrie and the Stephen King's It will all wander the parks giving autographs and engaging in wacky fun with youngsters. And, in a logical move, the former Mickey's Toontown Fair and other official character greet areas will be converted to Frank the Bunny's Apocalyptic Visions of the Future Character Breakfast Area.
"Nothing screams 'adorable' like the giant, demonic rabbit from Donnie Darko," said the Disney rep. "The kids'll love it. The kids'll just love it."
The rep also admitted that other mascots were considered. "We were really leaning toward using Corey Haim and Corey Feldman," he notes, "and we wouldn't have to even hire people to portray them, since they probably could use the work. But ultimately we thought they might be a little scary for some of the younger children who visit Disney parks."
The rep refused to comment on whether Pamela Anderson or Michael Jackson were still in contract negotiations with Disney to join the new group of mascots.
--JCK
Monday, August 30, 2004
Holiday World Unveils Latest Guest Service for 2005
Santa Claus, IN: Holiday World announced this week that there will be a new addition to the free products offered at the home of Raven & Legend: nicotine patches.
"In 2004, Holiday World adopted a no-smoking policy. We understand that this affected a large amount of our customer base and wanted to provide them with something that would keep them in the park," said the park's PR maven in an exclusive interview. "Fortunately, a major pharmaceutical company was there to help." Along with soft drinks and sunscreen, the smoking cessation Nicpatch will be made available to Holiday World guests at no extra fee.
The patches, which have been specially printed with the Holidog Seal of Approval, will be ready for distribution on opening day 2005.
--MMS
Santa Claus, IN: Holiday World announced this week that there will be a new addition to the free products offered at the home of Raven & Legend: nicotine patches.
"In 2004, Holiday World adopted a no-smoking policy. We understand that this affected a large amount of our customer base and wanted to provide them with something that would keep them in the park," said the park's PR maven in an exclusive interview. "Fortunately, a major pharmaceutical company was there to help." Along with soft drinks and sunscreen, the smoking cessation Nicpatch will be made available to Holiday World guests at no extra fee.
The patches, which have been specially printed with the Holidog Seal of Approval, will be ready for distribution on opening day 2005.
--MMS
Friday, August 27, 2004
Team USA Loses Focus, Loses Game
Athens, Greece
It was a dark day for American basketball fans as they watched their beloved Dream Team lose a semifinal Olympic match-up to the Argentine national team and lose all hope for gold. There has been much speculation in this tournament as to the nature of USA Basketball's struggles: Players that are no longer hungry for Olympic victory, a world catching up in skill level to match our own NBA greats, a gap between coaches and players that even Larry Brown could not overcome, and finally, the announcement of the 2004 Golden Ticket Awards.
In an exclusive post-game interview, ACE Regional Rep and Dream Team co-captain Allen Iverson (aka Coasterbuzz member BeastRida) had this to say: "Man, I don't know. I tried to stay in the game, but how could I stay focused when I know the Beast is goin' up against the Raven for number one? I mean, me and the Beast have been down since day one. That's my dawg. You knowhaimsayn'? It's war out there at Amusement Today. Just like it is out here on the court. Beast is a true soldier. And that just takes a lot outta you, man, when you hear that some New Jack like Thunderhead comes along and steals the Beast's shine like that. You know how much ERT the Beast pulls every year? C'mon, man."
A surprisingly sympathetic coach Brown offered some insight to his players' emotional state: "I could sit here and talk about lack of effort, lack of team chemistry, or lack of practice, but that's not it at all. Who would I be kidding? You can't imagine what it's like for a guy like Steph (Stephon Marbury, Team USA's starting point guard, aka Coneyfreak311 on Thrillnetwork) to grow up in Brooklyn and not see the Cyclone crack the top ten. How can I expect one hundred percent from a guy who just got that news? Really. And poor Timmy (Tim Duncan, aka Eelmaster from URC). He was just devastated by Steel Eel's performance. It totally took him out of his game. We all know that mid course break is on pretty hard, but these voters need to give us a call every once in a while. It's easier to get calls in Staples against the Lakers."
When asked for comment, Marbury had this to say: "What does Manu Ginobili know about a Golden Ticket? Do they even have a wood coaster in Argentina? Hell, no."
-CSB
Athens, Greece
It was a dark day for American basketball fans as they watched their beloved Dream Team lose a semifinal Olympic match-up to the Argentine national team and lose all hope for gold. There has been much speculation in this tournament as to the nature of USA Basketball's struggles: Players that are no longer hungry for Olympic victory, a world catching up in skill level to match our own NBA greats, a gap between coaches and players that even Larry Brown could not overcome, and finally, the announcement of the 2004 Golden Ticket Awards.
In an exclusive post-game interview, ACE Regional Rep and Dream Team co-captain Allen Iverson (aka Coasterbuzz member BeastRida) had this to say: "Man, I don't know. I tried to stay in the game, but how could I stay focused when I know the Beast is goin' up against the Raven for number one? I mean, me and the Beast have been down since day one. That's my dawg. You knowhaimsayn'? It's war out there at Amusement Today. Just like it is out here on the court. Beast is a true soldier. And that just takes a lot outta you, man, when you hear that some New Jack like Thunderhead comes along and steals the Beast's shine like that. You know how much ERT the Beast pulls every year? C'mon, man."
A surprisingly sympathetic coach Brown offered some insight to his players' emotional state: "I could sit here and talk about lack of effort, lack of team chemistry, or lack of practice, but that's not it at all. Who would I be kidding? You can't imagine what it's like for a guy like Steph (Stephon Marbury, Team USA's starting point guard, aka Coneyfreak311 on Thrillnetwork) to grow up in Brooklyn and not see the Cyclone crack the top ten. How can I expect one hundred percent from a guy who just got that news? Really. And poor Timmy (Tim Duncan, aka Eelmaster from URC). He was just devastated by Steel Eel's performance. It totally took him out of his game. We all know that mid course break is on pretty hard, but these voters need to give us a call every once in a while. It's easier to get calls in Staples against the Lakers."
When asked for comment, Marbury had this to say: "What does Manu Ginobili know about a Golden Ticket? Do they even have a wood coaster in Argentina? Hell, no."
-CSB
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Meet Up With Other Tools
It's not every day that you get a chance to rip into someone who advertises on certain coaster-related sites. But this rare and special opportunity comes to us by way of an ad that frequently appears on hypothetical coaster sites that use Google ads. Please have a look at our new Site O' the Weak, Roller Coasters Meetup, or, better yet, go visit them by clicking on any ad you happen to see for the meetup. In this way, you can support Google ad-supported sites while providing the valuable public service of helping others point and laugh at a really dorky website. Everyone wins!
If you're having trouble finding other coaster tools (which is surprising, since they always manage to find you and follow you around at any park you go to anyway), be sure to check out the list of members. Sadly, there are no photo pages yet. But don't forget to use those messageboards! If you didn't feel like those exciting conversations about deep-fry batter or which ride op you most enjoy pissing off by poaching seats and demanding rerides were fully explored at your last Coaster Meetup, then you can waste even more time posting follow-up comments.
Congratulations, Roller Coasters Meetup! May you long continue to earn money for entirely hypothetical coaster sites while we make fun of you.
--JCK
It's not every day that you get a chance to rip into someone who advertises on certain coaster-related sites. But this rare and special opportunity comes to us by way of an ad that frequently appears on hypothetical coaster sites that use Google ads. Please have a look at our new Site O' the Weak, Roller Coasters Meetup, or, better yet, go visit them by clicking on any ad you happen to see for the meetup. In this way, you can support Google ad-supported sites while providing the valuable public service of helping others point and laugh at a really dorky website. Everyone wins!
If you're having trouble finding other coaster tools (which is surprising, since they always manage to find you and follow you around at any park you go to anyway), be sure to check out the list of members. Sadly, there are no photo pages yet. But don't forget to use those messageboards! If you didn't feel like those exciting conversations about deep-fry batter or which ride op you most enjoy pissing off by poaching seats and demanding rerides were fully explored at your last Coaster Meetup, then you can waste even more time posting follow-up comments.
Congratulations, Roller Coasters Meetup! May you long continue to earn money for entirely hypothetical coaster sites while we make fun of you.
--JCK
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
The New Fashion Season Arrives
Yes, that's right, ARN&R has new t-shirts. Share your considered and expert views with the world!
Not willing to go that far? How about this?
Order now and the drones at Cafe Press will presumably get them to you in plenty of time for PPP, CoasterMania, and so on. No promises as to whether these shirts comply with park policies, of course, but if that prick we saw a few weeks ago was allowed to wear a Confederate flag shirt at SFNE, we sure think this should be allowed in.
And there's still more, all over at Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe.
Yes, that's right, ARN&R has new t-shirts. Share your considered and expert views with the world!
Not willing to go that far? How about this?
Order now and the drones at Cafe Press will presumably get them to you in plenty of time for PPP, CoasterMania, and so on. No promises as to whether these shirts comply with park policies, of course, but if that prick we saw a few weeks ago was allowed to wear a Confederate flag shirt at SFNE, we sure think this should be allowed in.
And there's still more, all over at Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe.
Ridge Fails to Amend Patriot Act to Ban Flyer-Snapping
Elysburg, PA: The latest attempt to curb the freedom of American Coaster and Flat Ride Enthusiasts has been successfully thwarted. Title X, Sec. 1017 of the Patriot Act, by which no sails could be legally whipped, was voted down by the House of Representatives after a massive grass roots protest started by the online enthusiast community.
Tom Ridge, Director of Homeland Security and former Governor of Pennsylvania, introduced the amendment after witnessing enthusiasts breaking the beloved flyers at Knoebel’s Groves in October 2003. "It is un-American to want to desecrate this symbol of freedom," said Ridge on C-SPAN23. "I will not sleep until the Patriot Act can protect these fragile instruments of our patriotism. Indeed, if enthusiasts are permitted to snap, then the terrorists will have won."
But Ridge was premature in his confidence that the amendment was a shoo-in, since early warning signs that the flyers would soon become un-snappable created a groundswell of heartfelt if sort of stupid enthusiast internet activity. CoasterBuzz, Thrillnetwork, ACEOnline, and Shoewee banded together to spread the word, and enthusiasts quickly began to Google, then e-mail, their Representatives to oppose this amendment, resulting in dozens of confused House staffers asking each other just what the hell these freaks are complaining about.
Our latest reports from the field indicate that the wings of the flyers have not been clipped as of yet. There has been no comment from the Office of Homeland Security since the amendment was rejected.
-–MMS/JCK/CSB
And one to grow on: Folks, to learn more about the Patriot Act and how it is affecting you as a US Citizen, visit the American Library Association.
Elysburg, PA: The latest attempt to curb the freedom of American Coaster and Flat Ride Enthusiasts has been successfully thwarted. Title X, Sec. 1017 of the Patriot Act, by which no sails could be legally whipped, was voted down by the House of Representatives after a massive grass roots protest started by the online enthusiast community.
Tom Ridge, Director of Homeland Security and former Governor of Pennsylvania, introduced the amendment after witnessing enthusiasts breaking the beloved flyers at Knoebel’s Groves in October 2003. "It is un-American to want to desecrate this symbol of freedom," said Ridge on C-SPAN23. "I will not sleep until the Patriot Act can protect these fragile instruments of our patriotism. Indeed, if enthusiasts are permitted to snap, then the terrorists will have won."
But Ridge was premature in his confidence that the amendment was a shoo-in, since early warning signs that the flyers would soon become un-snappable created a groundswell of heartfelt if sort of stupid enthusiast internet activity. CoasterBuzz, Thrillnetwork, ACEOnline, and Shoewee banded together to spread the word, and enthusiasts quickly began to Google, then e-mail, their Representatives to oppose this amendment, resulting in dozens of confused House staffers asking each other just what the hell these freaks are complaining about.
Our latest reports from the field indicate that the wings of the flyers have not been clipped as of yet. There has been no comment from the Office of Homeland Security since the amendment was rejected.
-–MMS/JCK/CSB
And one to grow on: Folks, to learn more about the Patriot Act and how it is affecting you as a US Citizen, visit the American Library Association.
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Enthusiast Not Nearly as Pathetic as Friends Tell Him
Coaster Enthusiast Chi Williams, 32, recently discovered that he is not nearly as pathetic as everyone tells him. Though his obsession with roller coasters has prevented him from learning how interact with others, engage in basic human sanitation, or avoid wearing his shorts pulled up past his nipples, Williams recently uncovered encouraging online evidence that there are many people who are far more pitiful and prone to receiving wedgies.
"Despite inability to converse about anything besides coasters, my sharing useless opinions about coasters with strangers in line who are trying to avoid me, and my nine hours per day spent posting to coaster message boards, I am amazingly attractive and cool," said Williams. "Relatively speaking, anyway."
Williams first directed ARN&R to a website for chain mail fetishists. "It's hard for me to believe my friends think I'm so lame when you look at Lord Randolph's Bristol Renaissance Festival pictorial. I look like Brad Pitt compared to those people! And I may never be able to have sex again...well, ever...after seeing the picture of the guy in the chain mail groin shroud."
"Those people are really stupid, too," noted the enthusiast. "Why are they calling it a Renaissance Festival and wearing armor? That should only be in a Medieval festival. They're in the wrong damn time period."
Williams then suddenly realized the room had gotten very quiet, and he nervously coughed.
"Anyway, there are even more ridiculous people out there than mere coaster enthusiasts," he continued. "Like, have you ever seen the people at Balticon? Man, I especially love the Manic Depressive, the Purple Wench, and the Operatic Courtesan. I don't even know what the hell this conference was, but I'm sure glad I blundered across its website so I can prove to everyone I know just how little of a tool I actually am!"
Finally, Williams proved once and for all that his utter fascination with coasters did not mark him as the most pathetic person in the world, as he called up the website for Knight Con 2004, a massive convention to celebrate all things Knight Rider. As the befuddled ARN&R staff perused the Knight Con's astounding list of activities, including a Miss Knight Contest, a Michael Knight Lookalike Contest, Knight Rider Star Autograph Sessions, Knight Rider Fanfic Awards, and, presumably, a chance to rub scented oils and unguents into David Hasselhoff's back hair, Williams contentedly smiled and pushed his duct taped-glass back into position.
Williams's friends are currently reviewing the evidence to determine if they are willing to alter their stance that Williams is the world's most complete dork.
--JCK (with research by FMB and the Grand Poobah)
Coaster Enthusiast Chi Williams, 32, recently discovered that he is not nearly as pathetic as everyone tells him. Though his obsession with roller coasters has prevented him from learning how interact with others, engage in basic human sanitation, or avoid wearing his shorts pulled up past his nipples, Williams recently uncovered encouraging online evidence that there are many people who are far more pitiful and prone to receiving wedgies.
"Despite inability to converse about anything besides coasters, my sharing useless opinions about coasters with strangers in line who are trying to avoid me, and my nine hours per day spent posting to coaster message boards, I am amazingly attractive and cool," said Williams. "Relatively speaking, anyway."
Williams first directed ARN&R to a website for chain mail fetishists. "It's hard for me to believe my friends think I'm so lame when you look at Lord Randolph's Bristol Renaissance Festival pictorial. I look like Brad Pitt compared to those people! And I may never be able to have sex again...well, ever...after seeing the picture of the guy in the chain mail groin shroud."
"Those people are really stupid, too," noted the enthusiast. "Why are they calling it a Renaissance Festival and wearing armor? That should only be in a Medieval festival. They're in the wrong damn time period."
Williams then suddenly realized the room had gotten very quiet, and he nervously coughed.
"Anyway, there are even more ridiculous people out there than mere coaster enthusiasts," he continued. "Like, have you ever seen the people at Balticon? Man, I especially love the Manic Depressive, the Purple Wench, and the Operatic Courtesan. I don't even know what the hell this conference was, but I'm sure glad I blundered across its website so I can prove to everyone I know just how little of a tool I actually am!"
Finally, Williams proved once and for all that his utter fascination with coasters did not mark him as the most pathetic person in the world, as he called up the website for Knight Con 2004, a massive convention to celebrate all things Knight Rider. As the befuddled ARN&R staff perused the Knight Con's astounding list of activities, including a Miss Knight Contest, a Michael Knight Lookalike Contest, Knight Rider Star Autograph Sessions, Knight Rider Fanfic Awards, and, presumably, a chance to rub scented oils and unguents into David Hasselhoff's back hair, Williams contentedly smiled and pushed his duct taped-glass back into position.
Williams's friends are currently reviewing the evidence to determine if they are willing to alter their stance that Williams is the world's most complete dork.
--JCK (with research by FMB and the Grand Poobah)
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