ARN&R 1000th Post Party a Dismal Failure

"Um, weren't you supposed to send out the invitations?"

"No, that was you."

"Oh. Uh, what about making arrangements for the simulcast?"

"Uh..."

So were some of the fateful words exchanged between staff members at ARN&R today, as it began to sink in that the massive party planned to celebrate the accomplishment of 1000 posts was a dismal failure. It turns out that no one on the staff remembered to do any of the tasks they were assigned in order to make the grandiose celebration take place. No one arranged to pick up any celebrity guests, no one sent out invitations to the public, no one signed the contracts for the Rolling Stones, no broadcast equipment was set up for the simulcast, no food was made, and rumor has it that someone even forgot to buy cocktail napkins. The grand event is widely being disparaged in the industry press as a "catastrophic failure" and "a dismal flop."

According to some reports, the staff half-heartedly poured some champagne and sat in the AbsolutelyReliable Hot Tub for a few minutes, but the combination of despair over the party blunders, combined with the fact that someone also forgot to turn the heat on in the hot tub, led to all of them shuffling home hugging themselves and crying gently.

--JCK

Our 1000th Post!

Pop the champagne and strike up the band. This post marks exactly 1000 that we've made since our inception in 2002. We rule.

This Stuff Writes Itself. No, Really.

We often declare that stories write themselves, but usually, we do a bunch of additions. Not this time. This ThrillNetwork story -- a feature story, no less, fed to Google News -- has one of the finest bits of amusement park related writing we can recall:

After riding Revolution, I walked around the park a bit and took a few photos. When walking around I found the parks last coaster, "The Dragon Wagon". They wouldn't let you on it unless you rode with a kid and since I didn’t have a kid with me, I couldn’t ride it.... Or could I? After I bugged the ride op a bit saying how "I came from Boston" and that I was in "ACE", she still wouldn't let me on. So I did something very dirty, something I had only read about online but had never done myself. Even though I didn’t even know if it would work, it was worth a try. I told the girl I’d give here a dollar if she let me ride, but I was I was then told, "I aint want ya money". Being the loser I am and showing my need to get the credit, I told her I’d give her twenty dollars, and it worked! So after I paid up, I tried to get into the train to find out I didn't fit in it so well. I ended up sitting sideways on my knees without the belt clip on and holding my backpack, but I was "in" the train and I got my ride on the Dragon Wagon!

(Incidentally, what the hell is up with Thrillnetwork's links of words like "backpack" to ads for backpacks? Can this possibly be the advertising wave of the future?)

Dick Cheney Finally Speaks

Following a severe backlash after shooting a hunting companion and initially failing to disclose the incident, Vice President Dick Cheney spoke publicly about it for the first time yesterday. In an interview with a selected group of trusted media outlets, Cheney described the horror of the incident, saying that his view of Harry Whittington falling to the ground was something he would "never get out of his mind." Cheney also stated that he had no regrets whatsoever about his actions after the fact.

He also took the opportunity to announce a new partnership with amusement park Six Flags Over Texas. Opening in 2006 at the park will be the newly themed Dick Cheney Shooting Gallery. Previously known as the Johnson Creek Livery, the gallery will allow park guests to step into the V.P.'s shoes and blast random people with buckshot.

When queried by one reporter as to whether he was worried about a possible public perception of insensitivity and exploitation due to his capitalizing on the accident for financial profit and fun, Cheney mumbled something about "liberal do-gooders," and added in a menacing tone that "everyone already knows I'm a pretty good shot, right?"

--JCK

ARN&R: A Cleansing Flush For All Your Worries

Iowa Enema Enthusiasts of the world unite! Yes, your unusual and geographically specific weirdo fetish is something we deeply and profoundly respect. Oh yes. However, we regret to inform you that we can't help you with it. Naturally, we'd love to have your runny poo all over our hands, but, tragically, we don't live anywhere near Iowa. Best to try some of those other sites you found in your search instead. Move along now.

Freaks.

--JCK

Girlfriend Unhappy With Valentine's Day Gifts

Area girlfriend Marcia Tallis, 25, is very unhappy this Valentine's Day, due to what she calls "grossly inadequate gifts" from soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend Tom Lassen, 24.

"All my friends have better boyfriends," sobbed Tallis. "Everyone I know is being taken out for expensive dinners, and they're getting flowers and chocolate and ridiculously overpriced jewelry. I'm pretty sure Kimmy and Chrissy are even getting engagement rings today, too. It's just so unfair."

"I don't understand what Marcia's problem is," said a bewildered Lassen, stopping to forge around in his left nostril with his thumb. "I actually remembered her favorite holiday this year and bought lots of cool, romantic gifts for her. What girl wouldn't love the huge poster of suggestively posed Coaster Zombies to hang on her wall? Or a Day-Glo green Coaster Zombie shirt? Or a sexy pink Zombie tracksuit? Hell, man, she better appreciate; that thing was 43 bucks!"

"It's just unbelievable that this guy would do all his Valentine's Day shopping at a coaster enthusiast website," said Tallis. "If he thinks he's ever getting any ever again, he's crazy."

"Maybe I'll steal Carrie's boyfriend Dave," she added. "He forgot to make dinner reservations again and he has really foul body odor, but he did at least give her a very tasteful and demure ARN&R Barbecue Apron. God, I'm jealous of that bitch."

--JCK

Shapiro Starts Ordering People Around At Knott's Berry Farm, Stop & Shop

New Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro has received press coverage all around the country as he visits each of the chain's parks to evaluate their status. The 35-year-old barks out orders at each park, ordering Six Flags Elitch Gardens, for example, to consider placing Bugs Bunny atop the park's observation tower. In recent days, Shapiro has been seen going a bit farther.

In a recent visit to Knott's Berry Farm (owned by competitor Cedar Fair), Shapiro directed the park to "immediately re-open" the long-closed Kingdom of the Dinosaurs, ordered a price reduction on the park's famous fried chicken, and demanded an explanation as to why Bugs Bunny and other Warner Brothers characters were not greeting guests throughout the park.

Similarly, while grocery shopping near Six Flags New England, Shapiro loudly criticized the produce displays. "Hey! I came up with [ESPN talk show] Pardon the Interruption, and I'm here to tell you those bananas should be up higher and we should put a huge Batman logo in the tile floor next to the papayas." Shapiro then fired the produce manager who refused to carve a squash in the shape of Mr. Freeze.

Be Sure to Crank Those Speakers to Eleven

When we first received this link, we weren't completely certain abut using it as a Site O' the Weak. After all, the webmaster hasn't updated the thing in years, and until we came along, bad coaster website designers had little to fear. It's more fun to rip on sites that have sprung up since we've been operating, and their sins can't be blamed on just being left dormant for years. And really, it's not a top-level site, but we've seen considerably worse. Daily, probably.

However, it occurred to us later that we'd really be doing the world a great disservice if we didn't tease someone a little bit for actually referring to themselves as "Ice B. Nice." Yes! Ice B. Nice! Gah! That and the fact that we got blasted by the music file when we linked to this site made us want to slap Mr. Nice on the wrist just a little as payback.

So, we present to you what we'll call the Site O' the Half Weak: the Ice B. Nice Roller Coaster Web Page.

--JCK

A response from the author:

If the premise of your site is to "rip" on people that's absolutely fine. Given my income and what I've been able to accomplish over the years, receiving "criticism" from you isn't difficult to overlook. You know nothing about me so you have no idea where the name came from. Those who do know me know the origin and that's all the counts.

As far as the site being old, I actually use it to emphazise to people the time it takes to administer a website (I'd just begun tinkering with HTML code). I don't mind being used as an example so long as it can help prove the point of website administration and the time it takes to maintain it. Whereas most people who have contacted about it (at least when it was more up-to-date) liked some aspects of it, others voiced their comments as well. So I understand and accept how it can be viewed positively and negatively.

I'm sure you won't print this email simply because most who criticize like to hide behind closed doors and can't handle criticism of themselves but if you'd ever like to meet in person, let me know as I'll be at various coaster events this year. I'll have just a little more repsect for you if you approach me in person (although to raise your respect from less than zero
won't be much).

"The Cool One" (is that a little better?)

Beech Bend Introduces New Rides, Names

It's official. The new GCI wooden twister opening at Beech Bend Park will be called the "Kentucky Rumbler," a name that has been greeted with near-universal acclaim from industry bigwigs, the general public, and even hard-to-please coaster enthusiasts. "I didn't think a coaster could ever have a better name than 'Boomerang: Coast to Coaster' or 'Pepsi Max Big One,'" said ten-year Coaster Banshee member Jimmy McArdle, 26. "But this new ride sets the naming standard by which all other new coasters will be judged."

But the Rumbler isn't the only newly-named ride at Beech Bend. Also undergoing a name change will be the former Looping Star, a Pinfari portable steel ride, which will become the "Brief Encounter." "We originally slated the Rumbler to be called the 'Brief Encounter,'" said park representative Wallace Bodie. "But when we came across that Rumbler name, we just had to use that because it's so brilliant. However, we knew Brief Encounter was a name many people had become wedded to and adored, so we decided to adopt the name for a different ride."

Bodie added that the name change to "Brief Encounter" would smooth out any "small rough areas of track" and "completely eliminate the shin abrasions, blunt cranial trauma, and fractured ribs" that riders frequently experienced when the coaster had its prior name.

Rounding out the list of new Beech Bend attractions will be a combination food stand and circular kiddie 4x4 ride, located right next to the Brief Encounter. In keeping with the steamy adult theme of the area established by the "Brief Encounter" moniker, the new double attraction will be named the "Lunchtime Hummer."

--PJS/JCK

Six Flags Park Receives Garbage Can

New Six Flags chief executive Mark Shapiro has been busy in his new job, touring amusement park facilities and instigating new policies for the chain. Shapiro has promised to make Six Flags parks decidedly more clean, beautiful, and friendly than they have been in recent years, though there have been suspicions in the amusement industry that his pronouncements are nothing more than an attempt to gain some much-needed good publicity, and that Six Flags parks will actually remain the vermin-infested hellholes that they currently are.

Shapiro silenced his critics today with a bold step that showed his new strategy was for real: he purchased a garbage can for Six Flags Elitch Gardens.

"It's our very first one ever," said the park's general manager Kathy Duquesne. "It was so beautiful when it was installed, it practically glowed. This major new installation reconfirms that Six Flags is determined to make our park the centerpiece of its holdings and a flagship property."

Employees of the park were initially confused with the strange new metallic bin when it was placed in front of them. Several poked at it confusedly, scratched themselves, or hooted lightly, while one eventually tried to crawl into it, apparently thinking it was a new form of ticket booth. Shapiro himself, with his trademark can-do spirit, demonstrated to the group how to put plastic bags inside the can and then showed them how nice trash looked when it was placed in the receptacle instead of thrown on the ground.

"I've never seen anything like it," said park manager Bailey Hutchins, 25. "What won't they think of next? That garbage can thingie is going to revolutionize the theme park industry. The only problem for me is that I work at the very back of the park and this new-fangled 'garbage can' will be near the front gate, so I guess I'll have to save up my trash and carry it over there a couple times a day."

Shapiro stated that, if the experiment of purchasing a garbage can for Elitch Gardens led to substantial improvement in sanitation and guest happiness, than one would be added to as many as five or six other Six Flags properties by the end of this season.

Other trial-run improvements Shapiro intends to implement include hiring a guy to clean the Six Flags New England restrooms once per week, running no fewer than 30% of the rides at Six Flags Great Adventure on any given day, and hiring one customer service representative without a history of violent crime for Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. Should any of these measures prove beneficial, other parks may soon see similar improvements.

--JCK