Discovery Network Announces "Biggest and Fastest and Wildest Extreme Thrill Park Turnstiles"

Adding to the Discovery Network's extensive series of shows about amusement parks, network management announced the channel's next special: "Biggest and Fastest and Wildest Extreme Thrill Park Turnstiles."

Featuring an in-depth look at the wide world of turnstiles, the program -- spanning three hours over as many days -- will open with a 45-minute history of turnstiles, followed by what the program's director, Michael Cimino, describes as "the fastest, wildest, most incredible look at turnstiles in the history of shows about turnstiles." The highlight of the show, according to Cimino, is a seven-minute uninterrupted tracking shot in which viewers are taken on a point-of-view trip through every one of Cedar Point's entrance turnstiles. "It's just like Touch of Evil!" exclaimed Cimino.

Members of the American Turnstile Enthusiasts appear throughout the program; most insist that Cedar Point's turnstiles are clearly the best in the world, while a small but vocal minority prefer the "classic" turnstiles at Denver's Lakeside Park.

At press time, pre-orders of the DVD were the third-highest-selling program on Amazon.com's travel section. The program will air on three days, yet to be announced, during the competitive February sweeps.

Six Flags Marine World to Also Get Astrodome, Parking Lot, Three Astros to be Named Later

In surprising news, Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. announced that Six Flags Marine World, outside San Francisco, would not just be getting the Schwarzkopf classic Zonga (nee Texas Tornado, nee Taz's Texas Tornado, nee Thriller) from Six Flags Astroworld in Houston, Texas. It'll also get the nearly-abandoned Astrodome, the enormous parking lot surrounding the stadium, and three members of the Astros Major League baseball team to be named later.

"We were busy taking the coaster apart when we looked across the interstate and saw the Astrodome, just sitting there all lonely," said Bob Warner, head of the crew tasked with moving the coaster. "It was hosting a monster truck rally or something, which just seemed wrong. So we figured we'd throw that into the deal, too; it'll be much happier in California. And once we pulled up the stadium, the parking lot just seemed like a natural addition, 'cause Marine World will want somewhere to put all the people the Astrodome will attract."

The domed stadium -- the first of its kind -- is expected to be placed immediately inside the park's entrance and will serve as the photo keepsake sales booth.

As for how professional baseball players became part of the deal, details are sketchy, but rumors suggest that it is related to a controversial players-for-Dippin'-Dots-Ice-Cream-of-the-Future trade. Speculation has focused on right-fielder Lance Berkman, shortstop Julio Lugo, and possibly a utility infielder from the Astros' minor league organization as likely candidates to be sent to California, where they are expected to be assigned to maintenance or season ticket sales.

Thrillnetwork.com Still Online, Shocking Enthusiasts at or Above a Fourth-Grade Reading Level

In news that surprised coherent enthusiasts throughout the world, Thrillnetwork.com is still online, and seemingly continues operations, evidently believing itself to be relevant.

"Seriously? That site's still up? That's incredible," said Detroit-area college-educated enthusiast Mike Herrington. "You're kidding, right?"

After closing twelve popup ads and reloading three times to resolve ASP scripting errors, ARN&R can confirm, in an exclusive investigative report, that the site is indeed up, despite widespread disbelief among enthusiasts capable of carrying on a conversation about any book without the word "thrill" in its title. The front page offers links to articles available only at thirty or more other coaster-oriented sites, along with the siren call of a link: "Click here for a PHP script to make this do something!" Additionally, the site's forums continue to operate with upwards of thirty people active at any given time, at least one of whom is capable of forming a complete sentence.

There may, indeed, be even more available on the site, but even the most intrepid investigative reporter couldn't say for sure, given the site's labrynthine navigation. The search engine has been "taken offline for tweaking," rendering further investigation difficult.

Reached for comment, the site's management declared: "We is the site for the rest of us, them who can't really write or talk so good."

Pinpoint Park Announces Non–Thrill Ride

Sandrusty, PA – Pinpoint Park, just outside Pittsburgh, announced today that the park would be unveiling a non-thrill ride called: No Thrills Dasher. The non–thrill ride will take riders to a soaring 12 feet into the air. Termed the world's first "starter coaster," No Thrills Dasher will amaze guests with its 0 to 8 mph in-less-than-a-second launch speed.

At a cost of $2.50 U.S. dollars, No Thrills Dasher will be the cheapest attraction in the park. No Thrills Dasher promises to be the absolute slowest and most boring attraction since 1914 when Pinpoint Park added the Non-Rotating Carousel to its repartee. In 1998 Pinpoint Park announced the opening of the worlds first ‘ride-till-you-die' attraction: "Gravy Boat." Sad to say, due to the high maintenance cost of keeping the gravy free from bacterial contamination, the attraction never opened.

Darts Inc, the makers of such unknown rides as: Ride This & Weep; You Spin Me ‘Round; and Vouge, created this once in a lifetime snooze of an attraction. "You will yawn the whole time," stated Pinpoint Park CEO Brad Fisherman. "There is no way you'll return home and not mention just how bad this attraction is. No Thrills Dasher will become world renowned!"

Enthusiasts all around the globe have been hitting up the not legally licenced, fan based website: guidetothepinpoint.com where visitors can view true to life, 3-dimensional, without-the-glasses, holographic representations of the ride. [Due to such extreme heavy traffic, guidetothepinpoint.com may be experiencing technical difficulties - Ed.]

"I've ridden No Thrills Dasher 175 times in a row!!" exclaims teen enthusiast Rorey Benderfinder, "The site is totally, bogusly, awesome!" No plans have been announced for Rorey to actually visit Pinpoint Park in the future, "but, I would visit their website a heck of a lot more often if they keep offering non-thrill rides such as this."

The actual No Thrills Dasher may or may not open this May.

–RAS

New Law: All Amusement Park Rides Must Be Xtreme

As the United States Congress reconvenes, many issues loom which will be of great importance to the country, including such problems as the economy and possible war with Iraq. None has a greater impact on the future of the planet than amusement parks, however, which is why the Senate has given highest priority this week to create a resolution banning each and every US amusement ride that is not Xtreme.

Said Orrin Hatch (R-UT), "In order to reflect the Xtreme power and fortitude of this proud country, the Senate will put into effect new regulations banning any new non-Xtreme rides, and will order the demolition of all current rides that are not Xtreme. Parks will be given one month to make existing rides conform to Xtremeness standards." Hatch then bungi-jumped naked from the Capitol rotunda with a can of Mountain Dew, most of which spattered on the head of a visibly miffed John McCain (R-AZ).

"Yeah, this is gonna be some totally kick-ass Xtreme law!" yelled Arlen Specter (R-PA), prior to giving the "secret devil sign metal" sign with his hands and turning to share a savage NBA-style chest bump with deposed majority leader Trent Lott (R-MS). Earlier in the day, Lott had caused a commotion by showing up for work in blackface and demanding the repeal of the Voting Rights Act.

"It was only a matter of time before this law was passed," stated Tom Daschle (D-SD). "Other sectors of the economy have already adjusted successfully to their new-found Xtremitude. Movies now have to be Xtreme, like XXX or Extreme Ops, though we would prefer that movie to have dropped the troublesome 'e' from the title. Every toy now manufactured must be Xtreme. Ohio's Hiram College offers an Extreme Education. The food industry is also finally complying...for instance, at Burger King you can get an Xtreme chicken sandwich, which is Xtreme because it has lettuce. Or you can be Xtreme by drinking Dew, just like those inspiring submorons who skateboard off cliffs behind powerboats. Then there's the Xtreme quesadilla at Taco Bell, which is extreme because it has 2 kinds of processed cheese food product."

Daschle added that "things also tend to get pretty Xtreme for me in the bathroom after I eat an Xtreme Taco Bell quesadilla!"

Some parks have complained about the regulations. Says spokesman David Whiteside of Six Flags Magic Mountain, "we are very upset by his rule. We had a totally, completely, and stunningly unique idea to name a coaster 'X'. No one has ever named a ride anything remotely like that before. We anticipate tremendous loss of income due to people thinking other rides are more Xtreme than ours, which is not the case. We will vehemently protest this decision."

Knott's Berry Farm (Xcelerator), Six Flags Worlds of Adventure (X-Flight), and other parks also are protesting that their highly unique, non-trendy, and creative coaster names are being rendered non-cutting edge, perhaps even non-extreme, by the ruling.

Smaller parks also worry over the changes they may need to enact. Says Paul Fletcher of Kennywood, "I guess if we gave the rats some inline skates and some Jackass videos, we could just change Exterminator to XXXterminator and be okay. However, I don't know if we have the money to turn Jack Rabbit into Death Rabbit Xtreme Hell Challenge or whatever. Maybe we'll just rename the coasters X-Racer, Xtreme Jack, XT-Bolt, and Phantom's Skysurfing Revenge and see if the government will be content with that."

--JCK

Neurologists, Chiropractors Seek Arrow Comeback

In an unusual pairing, trade organizations representing neurologists and chiropractors have joined forces to urge the building of more old-style Arrow Dynamics looping coasters, in particular focusing on their goal of returning Drachen Fire, formerly of Busch Gardens Williamsburg, to service.

"Any time one of those puppies opened, the brain injuries and back pains would just shoot upwards," said spokesman Mark Quaker. "They're great for business. Ever since those damn Swiss guys [Bolliger & Mabillard] have started to build coasters, the amusement park towns have really lost their growth potential. The docs near Busch Gardens have had to sell yachts because of the drop in business." Quaker added that the group would encourage not just the reopening of Drachen Fire, but also a move back towards building more of the classic style Arrow loopers, with transitions designed by chimpanzees and over-the-shoulder restraints made of pure steel with a thin coating of titanium "for comfort."

Stan Checketts, whose S&S Power now owns Arrow Dynamics' assets, was reached for comment by ARN&R. "We're gonna make things taller! And faster! Boom! Boom! Shoot you a thousand feet in the air! Fly fast! Fast! Fast! Fast good! Boom! Boom!"

Ruben: Top Thrill Dragster New Number One

Paul Ruben annouced today that Cedar Point's new Top Thrill Dragster claimed the number one spot on his coaster list. Ruben, who has traveled the world riding coasters on other people's money, and who has taken Mark Wyatt's spot as the provider of unsupported statements on amusement park television shows, said that the Top Thrill Dragster has everything he looks for in a coaster. "Just look at it," he said. "That is one big ride; I can tell without riding it that this thing will be my favorite."

Many enthusiasts cheered right along with Ruben. "Mr. Ruben is the number one man when it comes to coasters," said Tim Owens, founder of the Greater Boise Coaster Club (GBCC). "He's on TV all the time. If the number one rater of coasters says it's his number one then it has to be the best...right?!"

Some, however, are not so sure. Dick Kinzel of Cedar Fair was reported as saying that it did concern him a bit that Ruben had not ridden the coaster yet. "Sure, we at Cedar Fair are flattered, but I think he should at least wait until media day to make up his mind."

Ruben, North American editor of the almost utterly unread "Park World" magazine, said he wasn't going to let a detail like not riding the coaster stop him from placing it atop his list. "So what if I haven't ridden it?" Ruben snarled. "It is big and fast -- I know what I like in a coaster."

Ruben also commented that although he does not require parks to put him at the front of their lines when riding coasters, it doesn't hurt. "Hypothetically speaking, I can't say it would harm Cedar Point's chances if they cut me in front of everyone every time I visited a Cedar Fair Park." He then winked at and nudged the author. He also noted that sequel Dude, Where's My Car Now? would be the finest film of 2004 and that N*Sync's twelfth album will be the "greatest CD, or whatever format might be predominant at the time, of 2014."

Cincinnati Bengals: "We're Going to Boardwalk and Baseball!"

The refrain has been repeated for years: after the Super Bowl, the winners yell with delight, "We're going to Disneyland!"

But the worst-in-league Bengals (2-14 this season) like to do things differently. So, instead of visiting the magical world of Disney, the players all decided they'd visit Boardwalk and Baseball, the long-defunct Haines Park, Florida amusement park. But the Bengals didn't know the park (formerly known as Circus World) had closed over a decade earlier.

After getting to the park's former site, Bengals' almost-quarterback Jon Kitna shared his thoughts in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "I just remember thinking it was the greatest place in the world when I visited back in the early '80s with my family. I had no idea it had closed down, and I guess nobody thought to ask before we flew down there."

The park now consists of the decrepit ruins of a baseball stadium, vast expanses of cracking concrete, and a stunning array of garbage left by nearby residents. During the ten-minute visit, three Bengals were bitten by rabid dogs, and at least a dozen were visibly crying.

"Next year, it'll be different," said Kitna. "We'll win the Super Bowl, and then -- we're so totally gonna ride Thunderbolt at Coney Island!"

Six Flags Targets Crack Cocaine Market

Word has it that Six Flags Inc. is negotiating a deal with S&S Power of Logan Utah to supply the chain with 14 of their 4-D coasters for the '04 park season, with Gary Story been meeting all week with Stan Checketts. Initial reports are that the theme park giant is interested in signing this blockbuster deal as soon as possible in an effort to prevent other chains from acquiring this one-of-a-kind coaster. While the term "exclusivity" has been used in the industry before, it appears that SFI is willing to purchase every 4-D coaster that can be manufactured in the meantime to keep this new ride to themselves.

Lines for the prototype 4-D coaster named X at Six Flags Magic Mountain have been consistenly ranging from 2-4 hours ever since the ride's initial public opening early in 2002. Del Holland has even mentioned in board meeting that visitors to the park now spend more time in line at SFMM than at any other theme park, increasing sales of the new Fastlane by 100%. While the capital expenditure might be a concern for some investors, SFI is looking at the long-range picture.

Story was heard to comment: "Thrillseekers in the US and around the globe will soon have the chance to Xperience the Xtreme. Once they get a taste of this coaster, they'll sell their kids for just one more ride. THEN we'll reap some serious profits. X is more addictive than crack, and studies show that while many markets have already been saturated with crack, they lack even a single 4-D coaster to ride."

In confidential documents acquired by ARN&R, Six Flags marketing executives laid out their plans to give first-time riders a free or greatly discounted "sample ride," and to have park employees formerly dressed in Warner Brothers cartoon character costumes instead fanning out across cities selling 4-D coaster admission tickets on street corners. Park security will be expanded roughly 700% to handle what Six Flags documents refer to euphemistically as "collection, past-due X accounts."

--WDL

Cloned Batman: Six Flags, B&M Back Off On DNA Testing

NEW ORLEANS (Jan. 4) - The developers who rocked the world with their announcement of the first Batman: The Ride roller coaster clone one month ago is now backing off promises of DNA testing to prove it.

Six Flags Inc., the park chain that holds a contract with Bolliger & Mabillard, who claim to have produced the first Batman: The Ride clone, told a New Orleans television station Thursday that no DNA samples have been taken and that the creators of the attraction are reluctant to submit to the testing, despite the fact that the testing is entirely painless. "We feel it would be unfair to the baby [as they refer to the clone] to have our love called into question," said a visibly emotional Walter Bolliger, holding hands with his business partner Claude Mabillard. Regardless of the DNA proof, this coaster is our baby."

Many have expressed skepticism about the cloning claims. Experts have said they need DNA proof to believe B&M's claims. Last week Six Flags spokespeople said test results should be ready in eight or nine days proving that Batman: The Ride is surely a clone of the 10-year-old Six Flags Great America version who is also the mother. B&M has made various cloning claims throughout the years, but none were taken seriously until the most recent announcement, relating to a purported claim rumored to be brought to Six Flags New Orleans from Japan.

Louisiana attorney Bernie B. Seagull asked a court in New Orleans this week to turn the coaster over to state care agencies if it found the coaster's health was in danger.

Attempts by ARN&R to reach Mickey Gillman, a freelance journalist and former Absolutely Reliable science editor who was arranging the DNA testing, were not successful. A spokeswoman for Six Flags said she was not familiar with B&M's broadcast remarks and was unable to comment.

--RAS